My Mum won't help anymore

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Name changed for this as I am aware I sound pathetic

I have very bad health anxiety, to the point that I have been unable to cope recently as I am scared about some symptoms. I do have a Dr's appointment this week to talk about them and how bad my anxiety is.

My Mum has always been a bit of a crutch for me, she's very reassuring and has always reassured me about my health worries, I text her when I'm having a wobble or go and see her and she has been there for me.

She has now said I have to learn to cope on my own, as she's not going to be around forever (she's in her 70's and I'm in my 40's). I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me, I am really not coping this week as I'm so scared my symptoms are something bad and I'm going to die. FWIW the symptoms I have can also be caused by anxiety but my stupid anxious brain has linked them to cancer.

Anyway, I just wondered how others cope and don't worry themselves sick when they have upcoming medical appointments? My DH, who is also very good with me, says he just doesn't worry - which isn't helpful. DM says there's no point in worrying as it doesn't change anything, but I don't find that helpful!

I'm waking up early panicking about dying, I am having to force myself to eat as I'm so scared and I just want to sleep. I feel fine once I've had a drink - but I refuse to go down that slippery slope! Any advice would be much appreciated, I know it's pathetic to rely on your Mum in your 40's so please don't kick me when I'm down.

Hi OP 👋

I'm pretty anxious at times too, and remember having horrendous anxiety about things like CJD / mad cow disease years ago, to everything in between.

I've actually dealt with a lot of pretty awful things over the past decade after my health became really bad after a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured permanently by an off label antipsychotic prescribed for severe insomnia and anxiety. It gave me a neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia that is like Tourette's and Parkinson's disease combined, so I've had much worse health problems than I'd ever worried about 20 years ago....and I'm still here to tell the tale lol 😆 😅

I'm pretty stoical these days, with the joys of perimenopause thrown in too, I've had to kind of just get on with being a mum, wife and employee, as things would just be very hard if not. Plus, I get good distractions from my anxiety when it gets really bad, so being busy really helps.

I agree with others that things like therapy might help, along with other coping methods and trying to keep on keeping on, without getting too worked up (easier said than done, I know!)

Big hugs. You've got this. If I can do things and keep going, so can you ❤️

Sorry you feel like this OP.
I actually had this fear, not as limiting as yours.
Seeing both my grandmothers die over time and thrn die ehike I was there acrually changed my perspective. I don't have a fear of dying anymore, I just accept life goes on and people left behind learn to cope.
I actually found doing my family tree quite theraputic also, to think of all those people that came before and are now no longer here, but life went on and here we all are.
It must be quite life limiting living with your fear, is there any therapy you havent tried, hypnosis maybe?

Harsh advice, but I agree in essence with this. You need to try and have confidence you will be ok. I know you will be ❤️

It's good that you're going to the GP to discuss. I think you need to be prepared to really push for a referral for therapy/mental health support so you can get professional advice on how to cope.

Although it's a shock for you, your mum is right, she's not always going to be around and purely voicing your concerns to her isn't really helping you long-term, it's enabling your behaviour and making it worse long term.

Well done for taking the first step and I really hope you manage to find some reassurance further down the line.

Please keep this from your children. My own mother had what is now known as health anxiety when I was a child (an only which made it worse). I remember her crying over me and saying she wouldn’t see me grow up! She did though but I still remember crying myself to sleep.

Isn't it about time you dealt with this. Go and take some counselling and get a grip on it for everyone's sake including your own.

Yes- you definitely need professional help with this. It's not fair to offload on your mum like this. After years and years of it, she is probably ground down and utterly depressed by it.
It's neither her job nor her responsibility to 'fix' you. And in actual fact, she does not have the ability.
Im not kicking you while you're down. I'm saying that your mum cannot fix you, and in putting all your pain on to her, you are dragging her down too. So that's 2 people affected... and no solution.
You need to seek professional help- and put the work in yourself, not offload your pain into others.

There is only so much someone can help with, she may be your mother but she does not just have to endlessly put up with what you throw at her, she is fully entitled not just to go along with whatever you think she has to do

You need to help yourself, people can only cope with so much

You mention having a drink helps calm your anxiety and I used to be the same. Obviously it's not the ideal solution and I found I could replicate that feeling of calming down with Calms drops.

The odd thing is, I'm 99% sure it's just a placebo effect and, even knowing that, it still works to soothe my anxiety. I've heard other people have similar success with chewing an ice cube, it's sort of an external lever to break the thought cycle if that makes sense.

Op I have health anxiety and what your mum has done will be the best thing for you long term, firstly the anxiety guy on YouTube is great while waiting for CBT, you need to talk to someone get therapy and also consider HRT or exploring if it’s got worse.

its a terrible anxiety to live with as our body’s give us symptoms to match our worries and then we spiral.

Im managed thorough CBT to have tools to calm me down to stop the loop and to be able to calm my mind, im no where near “fixed” but I understand why this is my thing, why I feel this way and that helps so much.

it’s sometimes a trauma response and in my case my father being sick for most of my life and then dying suddenly I’m not a very pleasant way trigger my full blown panics.

it’s taken me 6-7 months to get to a calmer place and accept this will always be my niggle.

please be kind to yourself and trust your mum, she’s doing you a massive favour here.

Have you always had anxiety or is it a peri menopause symptom?

If you have a child with ASD have you explored this for yourself? Healthy anxiety and finding things that work for others don’t work for you could both be signs (or not)

There’s a book called, “What do to when you worry too much”, by Dawn Huebner. It’s aimed at children but the cognitive exercise are fantastic and I’d recommend you give it a read.
You seem to be stuck in a cycle which your ever patient Mum has enabled/supported and she’s (bravely) trying to break it, for your benefit. It must have been a hard thing for her to say to you.
The idea that you’ll feel better one day - less anxious, more confident - must seem like extreme wishful thinking but a lot can be achieved with the sort of mind training laid out in the book.
I’d suggest, every time you find yourself spiralling, write down three things you’re grateful for and try to concentrate on those things and push away the negative thoughts for a few minutes. Keep the list with you and add to it. Think about the ways in which you are well. Talk about these things with your children who will reinforce this positive thinking.

For those saying "get a grip", I really do hope you never suffer with anxiety.

To answer a few more questions - I dont cry or panic in front of my children, I shield them as much as I can.
I have had anxiety since I was 19 so well over 20 years. I've tried medication, counselling, CBT, hypnotherapy.
I believe it was triggered by seeing someone drop down dead from a heart attack when I was very young, I was in church and they didn't think to get the children out quick enough so we saw him being carried out to the aisle and CPR being started on him. I had to be taken home as I was in floods of tears.

I've not been idle in addressing this, I desperately want to be able to cope as it's horrendous to live with, for all involved.

Thank you for the helpful tips and advice and the lovely words of support

These aren't coping strategies per se, but might help:
-make sure you have a Will and things like guardianship written up and sorted.
-take back some control of the health anxiety: i.e. exercise, healthy lifestyle as appropriate.
-get some counselling/talking therapies booked so that you can address the anxieties (as they sound crippling).

I don't have health anxiety but I can understand your worries: I'm a single mum of 2. I'm also a nurse, so I see a lot of illness and dying. I know I can't live forever, but I worry about my DC. So, to take back a bit of control, I do look after myself, and I've done practical things (life insurance, Will, funeral plan, agreed guardianship with family, and any other "death admin" stuff etc) so that I know that things will be sorted if anything does happen. It's almost impossible to see my GP, so I've saved up and seen people privately as appropriate...i.e. for physio appointments, 6 months with a personal trainer to get a good exercise/strength plan, a well-woman check and to sort out menopause issues (GP wouldn't consider menopause until I turn 45. I'm 44 now and started peri in my mid to late 30's!).

Weirdly enough, it was my parents dying and then Covid coming along a year later that made me get all that sorted. My folks had sorted their Wills, funeral plans (even the Order of Service and music/hymns/readings), had lists of accounts and passwords etc. When Covid came to the UK, I sent my DC away to lock down with my sibling and his family whilst I worked...so I made sure that all the practical stuff was in place, just in case. Having that all happen also made me more proactive with getting stuff like menopause issues sorted as well. FWIW, I started getting some anxiety with the menopause symptoms, and it was bloody awful (so I can't imagine how shit it is to have had that anxiety for 40 odd years!). HRT helped hugely with that. I wish you luck x

@TicTac80 that's really helpful advice, thank you.

I'm sorry to hear about your parents and what you went through during Covid must have been incredibly tough.

Luckily my GP has agreed I am in peri so I do think the ramping up of anxiety has something to do with that!

Your mum is correct - she is not always going to be around and although she could have explained this more tactfully, you do need to have strategies other than relying on her to cope. She may also at her age feel exhausted by it all.

I echo you need to seek professional help - there will be things you can do in the short term and things which will long term commitments to helping yourself. You may need some medication/different medication alongside other things. Are there any groups (even online) that can support you.

I see you have identified what you think might have triggered it - I went through a period of thinking I might die in my sleep - when I realised what triggered it - (a throwaway comment by someone) it stopped.
Have you considered hypnosis -perhaps to help you re frame that specific event and put it into some wider context.

Might you also be neurodivergent, OP?

Interesting that a couple of people have asked about me being ND, I have suspected it - I might also ask the GP about that

My DC is recently diagnosed so I dont know a lot about it, does the treatment differ for mental health if you're ND?

Yeh the usual talking therapy type stuff often doesn’t work (unless they’re used to working with ND people). CBT often doesn’t work, which you mentioned it didn’t for you. I’ve had one counsellor who did work for me, and she was then diagnosed autistic too (neither of us knew then).

That sounds exhausting OP. I think your Mum is a really good Mum by recognising this is something that needs tackling now.

How do you feel about facts being presented to you? This would help me, but i hope it doesn't throw you. Try to absorb this: Your Mum is going to die and you will have no mother for a significant period of your life. Your children will get older and leave you. Your body is getting older and one day you will be the age your mother is now. You will get sick and spend time on medication and possibly in hospital. You will age, you will have symptoms that make life uncomfortable and you will die. Your children will mourn you much as you will mourn your mother. All of this will happen in time if you live a normal predictable life. You cannot escape any of this, the only way for this to not happen is if something much worse and tragic happens, so this is the best case scenario. The same thing will happen to every single one of us because that's what happens. We know it will happen and we accept it. You can accept it too.

Honestly I find the best thing for anxiety is for the terrible thing to happen. (Not that I’m wishing a terminal cancer diagnosis on you!)

I had terrible anxiety in pregnancy (an aggravation of existing anxiety including health anxiety) and nothing really worked until my baby was diagnosed with a terminal condition at 23 weeks and goodbye anxiety. Once the imagined awful thing had happened, I just got on with it

The truth is people survive not necessarily happily or without suffering but they do survive many horrific things. Even more horrific than a cancer diagnosis or losing a child. They survive torture and genocide, famine and war.

If your anxiety seems linked to a specific trigger have you considered EMDR, to address trauma. Sometimes that brings out the core beliefs that feed the anxiety?

Your mum wants you to find a solution as she worried she won't be here forever. Do everyone a service and seek help. One day you may genuinely have something to worry about and you will wish you hadn't wasted your precious time on the earth worrying about your ailments.

It's funny your post coming up as I have been thinking again about one of my DDs who is in a similar predicament to you. She still lives at home (early 20s) and doesn't have any children, but she is very reliant on us her parents, and I worry that when we are no longer here what she will do.
She has chronic conditions so she is limited to what she can do, but she isn't earning anything to help her fund any help in the future.
Her sister also has chronic health conditions but she isn't earning doing her best to earn a living from home.
I think she needs to see someone to help her get the confidence to deal with, well, life for herself, but past CBT counselling has not helped at all so I suspect she would be reluctant to do any more.