My Mum won't help anymore

[Paperclipelasticband]

Name changed for this as I am aware I sound pathetic

I have very bad health anxiety, to the point that I have been unable to cope recently as I am scared about some symptoms. I do have a Dr's appointment this week to talk about them and how bad my anxiety is.

My Mum has always been a bit of a crutch for me, she's very reassuring and has always reassured me about my health worries, I text her when I'm having a wobble or go and see her and she has been there for me.

She has now said I have to learn to cope on my own, as she's not going to be around forever (she's in her 70's and I'm in my 40's). I feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me, I am really not coping this week as I'm so scared my symptoms are something bad and I'm going to die. FWIW the symptoms I have can also be caused by anxiety but my stupid anxious brain has linked them to cancer.

Anyway, I just wondered how others cope and don't worry themselves sick when they have upcoming medical appointments? My DH, who is also very good with me, says he just doesn't worry - which isn't helpful. DM says there's no point in worrying as it doesn't change anything, but I don't find that helpful!

I'm waking up early panicking about dying, I am having to force myself to eat as I'm so scared and I just want to sleep. I feel fine once I've had a drink - but I refuse to go down that slippery slope! Any advice would be much appreciated, I know it's pathetic to rely on your Mum in your 40's so please don't kick me when I'm down.

I'm very sorry to hear you suffer with this. You need professional help. Your mother's mental health is probably worn down with it all.

Perhaps to take your mind off things a bit and to put into place some actions to reduce your anxiety right now, could you communicate with your children's Dad, DH and your Mum and Dad all involved to try and repair and build a more positive healthy relationship with their Dad and your children.

Having that family safety net for your children would reduce your anxiety of what would happen to them if you died (which is very unlikely by the way, statistically).

Or write a will, if you haven't, with options for the children, where your money and assets would go, who would have parental responsibility, again getting all parties involved so there is a legal document in place.

These are practical things you could do, now, and not leave things to chance and unsaid with you just thinking of what would happen.

I understand because I also have health anxiety. I'm autistic...I imagine you are too(?).

I'm worse recently because my mum died, closely followed by my dog (in very traumatising circumstances). Then just as my panic attacks re-started after about thirty years, my DS20 also developed panic attacks and anxiety.

I'm not sure I'm the right person to give advice but I'm hoping to start running and meditating. Trouble is, the anxiety has taken its toll on my health and I have terrible digestive issues and exhaustion. So do the running etc before you end up the same. Also try cold showers.

@EmmaWoodhouseOfHighbury I'm so sorry for your losses 💐

I've got digestive issues too so fear it might be too late for that but I am going to try everything I can do get on top of the anxiety

The first rule of health anxiety ( and ocd) is to not give a person reassurance as that needs to come from you not an external source such as you mum , so, while it feels harsh now your mum us actually helping you , she may have had Advil to nit be your crutch or she may be exhausted by it all , I’m sure you can appreciate this ?

hrt has taken away most of my anxiety I’d suggest you ask your doctor about that

good luck

I believe it was triggered by seeing someone drop down dead from a heart attack when I was very young, I was in church and they didn't think to get the children out quick enough so we saw him being carried out to the aisle and CPR being started on him. I had to be taken home as I was in floods of tears.

Yes, that would do it. As I posted earlier a part of your mind took on the horror of what you witnessed as a child and has determined to protect you from that (even though you know, logically, that that's not possible). It IS possible to change this.

Dear OP, this is hard I know. To add to all the good advice on here, if you can get outside each day - the light on your face, fresh air in your lungs, and get some kind of exercise - even just a good walk - it will really help with the stress and anxiety. The combination of those things really does help.

Sometimes it does not work because people dont really want to give up the anxiety - just the nasty effects when it gets excessive. But unless you tackle all of your anxiety, CBT wont work. Good luck.

I agree that you will hopefully come to see this as a good thing that might help you move forward to coping better. It’s interesting that your fears are around your children seeing you declining, while your own mum is actually the one getting older and needing her child to be able to cope without her. If you can try to embrace the very natural shift in roles, from you relying on your mum to you being there for her when she needs you, then every moment you’re not focused on your own anxieties - and having them enabled, which reassurance does - is a step towards getting free of your issues. I really hope you can get help to get there and let your mum (and your children, and most importantly yourself) see that you’ll be okay in future.

I agree that you will hopefully come to see this as a good thing that might help you move forward to coping better. It’s interesting that your fears are around your children seeing you declining, while your own mum is actually the one getting older and needing her child to be able to cope without her. If you can try to embrace the very natural shift in roles, from you relying on your mum to you being there for her when she needs you, then every moment you’re not focused on your own anxieties - and having them enabled, which reassurance does - is a step towards getting free of your issues. I really hope you can get help to get there and let your mum (and your children, and most importantly yourself) see that you’ll be okay in future.

This is a really helpful workbook.

Overcoming Health Anxiety

Don’t worry if you’ve tried CBT before and not found it helpful. A lot of short term NHS CBT is not very good. These Overcoming books are written by specialists in each area.

I’m a hospice nurse and a conversation that I had with a patient has stayed in my mind. She said that she had worried about her health for as long as she could remember and that since being diagnosed she was actually happier now that the ‘what if’ had been lifted as the worst had happened. She had had the happiest six months and her huge regret was that the worry had informed her one precious life and worrying achieves nothing, it stops you living the life you should be living. Life is short, and that’s if you’re lucky!

While I’m sure your mum could have approached things differently (like reducing support over time, making sure you’ve got other services that can support etc) ultimately she’s done the right thing. That’s because if you’re ever going to overcome your anxiety you can’t be reliant on someone else to comfort or soothe you, as it takes away your capacity to self soothe. It sounds like you’ve done a lot of the work already with regards to your anxiety but the hard part is implementing your learning, which includes not giving in to urges to get someone to comfort you. Bow’s the time to really go for it though, and I’m sure your mum would love to know that as she ages you can self soothe and aren’t reliant on her.

I have chronic leukaemia & have to be careful of getting an infection as my body will struggle to fight it. However, in some ways it’s changed my life for the better as I try to live for the moment, challenging myself so that if I can no longer travel, for example, I will have lots of memories. My mother, who is in her 80s, wishes her life away, so if I have a wobble I tell myself that a life well lived can be better than a long life. Can this way of thinking help you at all & calm down any worrying thoughts of being unwell?

Sertraline solved all that for me.

@Snowinsummer I'm sorry to hear about your health struggles, that must be really tough. I think you're right, I just need to focus on positives and stop the "what if" thinking

@BoredZelda that's interesting as my Dr had mentioned trying Sertraline but I was reluctant before

Maybe I'll mention it tomorrow