How do you internally validate yourself rather then getting external validation

[GonzoParker]

like how do you do it ?

@Gingerwarthog, thanks, that’s exactly it. I will create my cartoon figure and get ready to metaphorically squish it down!

@GonzoParker, thanks so much for opening this thread, and I hope you’ve found it as helpful as I have.

my attitude to life is people can take me as I am or not. If they don't I don't worry about them as plenty of people get me .I mean no harm to others and hope that they will not harm me. I worked with the public all my working life so learnt to avoid troublesome people.

Oh yes definitely.
Also I know exactly what you mean about you've been taught to never say anything positive as you've been taught that will tempt fate and something bad will happen
This is a hard one to unlearn

It's too early to be doing research but I bet if I did, this sort of thing would originate from the bible or some other literature that was passed down to encourage ordinary people like us not to try to 'get above their station in life'!

I think whether someone needs internal or external validation is just part of their personality and I don’t necessarily know if I think it can be changed

I read a book called how to do everything and be happy by Peter Jones. It taught me how to plan for the life I want to be living. It instantly stopped me comparing myself to others on sm. It gave me the strength to realise it was ok to do things that suit me, even if my mother disapproves.

Is that dragons den Peter jones ? I wouldn’t have him down as someone that would write a book like that ?

I’ve read that book - it’s a good one. It’s a different Peter Jones.

Just looked it up. "Pride goeth before a fall" comes from the Book of Proverbs. And 'tempt fate', according to dictionary.com:

uses tempt in the sense of “test in a way that involves risk or danger.” Earlier idioms with a similar meaning were tempt God , dating from the 1300s, and tempt fortune , first recorded in 1603, with fate appearing about 1700.

Yes I suppose it ties in with pride is a sin etc

Sorry - wouldn't let me edit twice. Was going to add:

"Don't start thinking too highly of yourself 'serfs'! You're here to provide us with labour and children to be the next generation of labourers!"

I get that and I feel like that sometimes, it’s called magical thinking.

If I think well of myself then some terrible tragedy will befall me! It doesn’t make sense does it? You don’t tell your dc to not stick their artwork to the fridge in case they get uppity and think they’re the next Van Gogh and will end up ruining their education by focusing on ill paid art do you? When a friend gets a promotion you don’t tell her to remember that she’s not all that and she’ll get found out eventually and she will end up jobless and in poverty do you? No you celebrate and have pride in the achievements in of your loved ones. And you need to do it for yourself, despite that voice saying you’re not good enough or that pride comes before a fall.

Maybe it was a bad translation and perhaps it’s arrogance and hubris come before a fall but having pride in your achievements and accomplishments is a good thing 😊

Also it’s a bit trite, but you are a miracle. When you think of the countless billions of things that have had to happen for you to exist here and now. The universe wants you to succeed and do well and be happy 😊

Therapy for me. Lots of it. Therapist’s validation was needed first before I could start to find it for myself. And it’s ok to sometimes still need it. But only from trustworthy people who really know you.
If I’m struggling, I will go to one person I know and trust completely.

Im a second one for therapy

I Had two devastatingly critical parents and lots of emotional abuse

I do the things people are citing here to keep going but therapy was what helped me with finding my core self first, then building on it. Not CBT, a more relational type that helped with reparenting myself in a good way, the therapist modelled what a good parent is emotionally.

I think if youve had trauma it’s very hard to do it alone without a listening other to witness and help

I mind my own business. I protect my peace at all costs. I prioritise self care - exercise daily, get a good amount of sleep, drink lots of water.

In terms of how I got to that stage, I honestly have no idea. I just got to 30 and stopped giving a shit about other people’s opinions.

Totally agree with the point on integrity. I never lie, not even white lie (easy to say on an anonymous forum where everyone is perceived to be a fantasist, I know…) and that means I don’t carry the mental overhead of needing to keep up lies and worrying about people finding out about lies etc. That peace of mind goes a long way to living a calm, considered life which in turn boosts self-confidence.

I really recommend the book ‘Lying’ by Sam Harris. It had a profound impact on my life.