How do you internally validate yourself rather then getting external validation

[GonzoParker]

like how do you do it ?

I listen to affirmations, journal, and use the Emotional Freedom Technique to clear negative thoughts. I talk to one good listener in my life. I try to trust my gut and feel my feelings in the face of all.

I came to the point of acknowledgment that nobody, no matter how good and well meaning, is going to put my best interest before their own. I have come to understand that it is my life path to learn how to love myself.

I actually hate the phrase. It is a trite and overused explanation of some kick butt attention to self, honesty, and boundary's setting, so that I might live in peace with myself.

@Teanbiscuits33
I don’t need other peoples approval. I have my own.

And the sooner you realise this, the better! Sadly, I think it can take many women decades to come to this realisation. Often, if they work in public-service-related occupations, it can take until retirement to be free of the 'customer is always right' mindset and just live according to their own standards and values.

Thank you all so so much, for taking your time to really help me understand the wisdom I’m sure it’s taken you many battles to learn ❤️had so much truma in my life since a child and I’m so ready to put it down now and move on.
Thank you so much
I’ll re read this many times over so many pearls of wisdom here

I found that really difficult when I became a sahm. So now I make an effort to notice nice things. I make a point of looking at the fruits of my labour- be it a clean kitchen, stack of clothes, dinner etc and acknowledge the work to myself. And I'll enjoy the kids company and remind myself that this is in part down to me (sometimes all down to me- bringing them to the swimming pool and watching them enjoy themselves - all me) it's hard because it's things that I previously would have taken for granted or not found value in, but would have been getting validation from my job so I've had to tweak it a bit.

That i know myself better than anybody else! If somebody has an issue with me, then that's ok, I'm not every ones cup of tea! Not everybody is mine.
I have people who love me. They are the important ones and I concentrate on my relationship with them

That I am also entitled just as everyone else is to live how I wish to, by my own standards and boundaries. I don't need others approval to do things that I love! I had no confidence until the past few years to give things a go so to speak because of judgement from others.

I had a awful relationship with my sons Dad.
Lots of name calling on his side, lots of picking at my appearance. I've been split from him for 13 years and the scars are still there. Upon meeting DH i told him there were things I simply would not put up with anymore as it took me too long to find my feet and feel the way I do about myself.

Lots of positive self talk, I am a big self reflector too, it all helps!

I grew up with a mother who constantly told me that no one else was interested in me and how I look and as a result I just don’t even consider what anyone else thinks of me.

I also had a pretty unkind ex and on reflection, rather than this break me, I now recognise the control I had in allowing that to continue.

But regardless of any of this, I do a job that I love, helping people and have progressed, not through ambition but because I’m good at it. And I know that I’m good at it because I care about the people I support.

I have a very wicked, but dry and self deprecating sense of humour, I don’t take myself too seriously and I laugh at myself a lot.

I’ve embraced a Vinted addiction and literally my only creative leaning is ‘playing with’ clothes. I really like the clothes I wear (and when DH says it looks weird I have the confidence to laugh and say, oh I probably won’t wear that again 🤣)

So the short answer is probably, not placing much value in other people’s opinions of me, recognising that I’m in control of mostly everything that happens to me, doing what I love and humour.

I did 7 sessions of CBT on the NHS
only thing that ever helps
when the negative self talk begins I change the conversation
so ‘what a stupid’ is changed to ‘I’m ok, I’m good , in fact I brilliant, fabulous, fantastic’
your brain will believe anything you tell it….., all negative talk is lies anyway, so maybe has well tells some positive ones.
After a while it just becomes a habit.

Just say - thank you that mum but I’m grown up now and I can choose what to believe about myself and I’m actually ok.
it does become easier.
My mum never aged passed 14 …. But I did.

Accepting that people are different, have had different experiences and starts to life so will be in different places and might make different choices to you.... and what is right for you may not be right for them.

Understanding that there is no one perfect way to do things and that when you make a choice you just do your best with that choice. And if you get it wrong you've learned from the experience.

Remember that when other people say flippant things about your life, they aren't walking in your shoes so don't internalise their thoughts if they make you feel bad e.g Oh, I had no problems with that....don't think you are a failure because you have.

Aging and losing people death wise.
Life is too short, I’m more confident than I’ve ever been and love who I am. There will always be negative people or judgemental people, they are miserable inside. Let them be them. You are the only one living in your head, your inner voice is the one that matters

I read in a book that you should start by creating a set of tiny external validations and do one every single time you do something well, however trivial. Total overload at first but it teaches you and rewires your brain.
E.g. Finally put away laundry that's been mounting up? Literally give yourself a physical pat on the back and say ( out loud or in your head) 'Good job'.
Written and sent a difficult work email? Punch the air and say or think 'Well done'
Made a nice cup of coffee? Smile when you've tasted it and say to yourself, 'wow, you make the best coffee.
Keep spotting things you do well and acknowledge them all.

The book's suggestions were:
Self hug, self pat on back or arm, self fist bump, self high five, air punch, thumbs up, arms in air as if scoring a goal. And phrases like: Good job, well done, nice one, you did it, you won. All very obvious and a bit silly but that's intentional. It's to create mental and physiological positive responses to all the things you do well.

It feels very artificial at first. Cringey. It's essential you don't get put off by this. After a while it sinks in and you stop doingbit artificially. I had a heavy workload yesterday and did a 15 hour day. But I caught myself punching the air with both hands as if I'd scored a goal at one point, saying aloud 'God, you're good at this' because I'd worked out a lovely solution to a major issue. I got a real buzz of pleasure from it and a surge of energy snd commitment to the project. I really enjoyed the day. I also took time for a lunchtime walk and didn't have a glass of wine when I finished at 1.30pm, because I knew I'd sleep better without one. So it becomes self care too.

Does this slightly eccentric advice help?

I also think you've had excellent advice from the more philosophical posters.

Get a diary and reflect in it: what are your values, your moral codes? Do you live by them? Do you choose to do this quietly or in a more outspoken way? What actions you took today reflect your moral codes? If you feel bad or wrong, were you out of alignment with your own moral codes? Can you make a decision to act differently next time.

Journalling can also help you shift moral codes that you adopted without reflection from how you were raised. You may choose to adjust and realign. It will feel right, physically, deep inside, like a calmness when you find the true ones.

I was once given the advice to work out what was the one most important thing in the world to me and to do a quick check whether my actions aligned with it.

That advice transformed my life. DC and nuclear family were my most important thing but I was such a people pleaser at the time I was neglecting them, run off my feet doing charitable work and helping the world and his wife, so tired I fell asleep at my desk and didn't collect them from school one day.

After that I said no to everything that didn't enhance family life. I asked for pay rises because I wanted more money for DC. I got healthier to be a better mum to them. I worked on my relationship with DH so we modelled a happy, secure family.

Doing this made me feel far more secure in who I was and how I wanted to behave in all areas of life. 'Know yourself' Can't remember which famous philosopher said it, but it helps. And reflective journalling is a great way in.

You may be interested in the work of Carl Rogers, a psychotherapist who was a proponent of person centred therapy. He writes a lot about having an internal as opposed to an external ‘locus of evaluation.”

On YouTube you can watch a well known recording of his session with a patient/client, “Gloria.” It’s from the 1960s. I think you might find it interesting in regards to your question.

Thank you, I’ll will watch this today

Love this post. It is so important not to devalue these things.

I think there are many strands to this and other pp have nailed it.
Firstly I think it helps if you've had a background where you weren't constantly 'put down' and were, instead, encouraged to try things for yourself and allowed to make mistakes. And learned from them. It builds a sort of self reliance.

Secondly, the realisation that you do not need anyone else's permission to be yourself. You are you, and that's fine. If others do not like your views, fashion sense, lifestyle and so forth, that's fine too. They're allowed not to like it, you're allowed to be different and choose your own style or views. Eventually you will get to not care at all what people think....but in a good way. Not that you don't care about them as such, just that it doesn't matter how they judge you. So long as you are accepting of others and don't seek to cause harm, you do not need to live up to others' expectations all the time.

Finally you will become internally accepting. You accept you are human, it's OK to make mistakes; generally you are content with yourself (although you will always strive to do your best and may wish you had other attributes etc.) You will measure yourself by your own standards, not others, and set your own boundaries.

I wish I'd known all this in my own younger days, it took me a lifetime to get to such a position.

I echo the posters who say it is more about quietening the inner critical voice … without that you probably don’t need any sort of validation as you can just be you and exist without having to over think everything….

to quiet the critical voice… thank it for its concern / comment but say they are not needed and not helpful and push them from your mind.

as in you practice kindness to the critical voice as it thinks it is helping you…but don’t believe it…. As you know it isn’t helpful

I'm retired now and when I look back at some of the 'mistakes' I've made in my life, I realise that I was just doing the best I could with the resources (mental, physical, emotional, etc) I had available to me at the time. When I knew better, I did better (as the saying goes).

I think this helps me to be a bit kinder to myself when I start thinking: "Why on earth did I do that????".

This. When you stop caring about other people’s judgement and about feeling inadequate, it’s amazing how quickly you see what you actually want to do in regards to what is best for you, instead of what is best for meeting others expectations/ making people feel comfortable/ not rocking the boat. It’s incredibly liberating. For me I find a “fake it till you make it “ approach helped and i started journaling and telling myself what I’d done well, how great I was, what my goals are for moving forward and being critical but positive about EVERYTHING to do with me. Somebody bit my head off? Instead of over analysing it to be as “what did I do wrong” I changed it to that’s a them problem, they clearly had a bad day.

I do find it interesting that a few people have said that having a hyper critical Mother makes them a people pleaser with a lack of self confidence.
My Mum was BRUTAL but she had the opposite effect - DD said once that if I survived Grandma nobody elses opinion was going to bother me.

There are a couple of pertinent questions to ask yourself here:
What makes you feel like you are not valid? Are you doing something you think is wrong? You should interrogate this. What defines a good life to you? Why? Why again? Why again?
And
What makes you feel others are better placed to judge than you are?
I think the second question is easier - noone other than yourself has all the relevant information.nyou can't delegate this.

Have standards principles and integrity for yourself. And invest in a bit of self care practises and be conscious about how you spend your time. Goes without saying never compare yourself to others.

Exactly - you can't put an older person's head on a younger person's shoulders. You only made the best decision at the time with information available to you.

Look back at past achievements and make a list of them. At end of the year write down progress and things you've done.

In the past I've sometimes used a glass jar where I wrote down little wins and happy memories. Then just pull one out the jar.

For work I have a little folder - if someone sends a message to say x was brilliant, I print it out and put it in there 😂

I also have photos up that remind me of good memories and places I've been.

I bought a little book of positive quotes online on Amazon and sometimes just open that and pick one as my quote of the day 😆 Oliver Bonas has loads of these types of books too.