How do you internally validate yourself rather then getting external validation

[GonzoParker]

like how do you do it ?

There's also the Via Character Strengths Survery which is really good - it helps you find your top positive qualities.

https://www.viacharacter.org/

Mindfulness can also be helpful. I did the NHS mindful based stress reduction course. There were different types like paying attention when brushing teeth, going for a mindful walk and noticing surroundings, doing mindful movements on you tube (Thich Hanh). First few weeks we were a bit like yeah what is this doing. Then it clicked. The exercises I took from it are the quick short ones I mentioned above.

You've inspired a new thread @GonzoParker (I figured why wait decades to get good self-esteem? Let's start em off young with our best advice!)

Would love it if some posters on this thread would stop by and make a contribution: www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers/5323062-if-mumsnetters-were-writing-a-book-of-advice-for-teen-girls-age-13-up

Something interesting I saw this week was the idea that there is confidence and self esteem. Confidence is more about the actions you take and the things you do whereas self esteem is how you feel about yourself and the things you do. So, for example, you could do public speaking or jump out of a plane or go to a job interview and smash those things but still feel like shit about yourself because of your self esteem.

I’d say my self esteem is massively improving with age as I feel I have less to prove and also spending a lot of time working on myself through counselling and things like that.

Also I don’t take criticism from people who don’t walk the walk. So you don’t get to criticise my work, my kids, my home, my looks or anything about me if you don’t positively contribute in those areas yourself. So I’d take my hairdresser saying my hair could do with some love, but not some random acquaintance telling me they don’t like the colour. If my mentor at work makes a suggestion to improve something I will listen and take on board but if it’s incompetent or lazy colleagues? Fuck them! Ultimately it’s trusting yourself and your own judgement over anything else.

I also thought that post was really insightful.

Reminding myself that half the population have below average intelligence 😆

I think this is important when reflecting back on child-rearing. Once we were all just winging it! Don't agonise over decisions and reactions made when you were a total novice.
On a similar note, accept that your adult children will also be their own people, and although you can feel proud of their successes or worry about their failures they are in charge of their lives now.

I will definitely do this, thank-you

Wow, I am honoured, I will come along and give my words of wisdom, that I tell my daughter

How do you mean you don't take it? Do you reply to them or do you ignore them ?

By being genuinely aware that I'm doing my best. And you can't do better than that.

Whatever situation I'm in, I'm handling it in the best way I can, and that is good enough. If other people don't like me or value me then that is their issue, not mine.

Hi @GonzoParker
I find these affirmations by Pete Walker quite useful to say to myself...whenever I remember to do so,

Took me years to get here (29)
I know myself when I am right/wrong
eager to learn, can take constructive criticism.

my company is very validating and having control over my life is validating
i Don’t need it from people anymore

I find what is in my control to validate me and I focus on that

mindset
career gives you self esteem in my opinion
self care
small friend circle

Oh I forgot it might take time for pictures to be reviewed - here is a link instead:
https://www.liberationhealingseattle.com/blog-trauma-therapist/affirmations-for-childhood-trauma

This is lovely, thank you

Years of self reflection, working on myself and cutting out toxic people. Took a long time but it's worth it.

I had a horrible critical voice in my head for most of my life, over a period of years, I became aware of it, started challenging it, started stopping it mid flow, started replacing it with kind words, kind of like I was parenting myself as I parent my children (on a good day). Noticing when I was trying my best, when good enough was good enough (rather than perfection) when I was kind or funny or a good friend. It took years but now the kind voice is my default voice. I also realised I was putting other people on a pedestal but when I saw the reality I realised I was just as good as them.

I don’t respond or I might say ‘hmm, ok’ and then not do anything. I don’t take it to heart or assume that person’s criticism is valid and I have to take it on board. I don’t let it affect my self esteem or impact on my behaviour. The people in my life who care about me and want me to do well don’t offer cutting criticism because they know that would be counterproductive. They might offer constructive ideas for improvement and then support me if I took them on. A dickhead would just pick at me as much as I would let them and I would never be good enough - they would just change the goalposts whenever I jumped high enough. So you have to not engage. You can be assertive and tell them but tbh I can’t be arsed trying to help them be better people so I leave them to it. So far, so good 😊

Also the dickhead can be you, in your head! And you don’t have to engage or fight it you can just say ok and then get on with your life - takes all the heat out of it and lets you focus on your general amazingness 😊

Brilliant…..very simlar story.

Name the critical voice. Turn it into a cartoon version and picture the cartoon character getting smaller and smaller until it’s small enough to crush under your heel. Picture yourself doing this every time you hear that critical voice.

im far from perfect but overall compared with some people and their views and attitude etc im not to bad.

My answer is, I don’t know how I do it. I grew up with an emotionally abusive parent and I was bullied at school. I just always thought those people were wrong. I knew they were, because I knew what was in my heart.

I like external validation. I really hate if I get the opposite and I know my work has been good. That, I don’t know how to deal with as an adult. I keep quiet and ditch people 😁

When people are talking about the ‘critical voice’, does this also cover the ‘pride comes before a fall, young lady’ type stuff? I experience both, but as I’m getting less immediately self-critical, I’m finding it almost a reflex to feel I’m jinxing myself if I feel good about something I’ve done.

Writing it down like I just did helps me to see how utterly ridiculous that is, but boy, is it deeply ingrained!

@mixedpeelyes, for me it would cover that. I would picture a finger wagging cartoon character and apply my strategy to that.
Writing it down is a great way of making you realise how ridiculous it is and how superstitious you can become about not accepting and acknowledging that you have done something well (for fear of tempting fate…)