My bully got in touch after 20 years…

[sellotape12]

This evening a message popped up on my LinkedIn. I jumped out of my skin. It was from my old boss, in my first ever job 19 years ago. A man that bullied me senselessly. That experience changed the trajectory of my life.

I haven’t thought about him in almost 2 decades. His message is breezy and a general hello, and commenting on my ‘glittering’ career; as if he’s forgotten.

I remember before he joined I had absolutely loved my job, I was confident and learning. When he arrived, he made me his whipping boy. He set me up for failure. He deliberately embarrassed me in front of clients. Instead of identifying my obvious gaps as a junior and working with me to train me, he took me to task on them all. He told me my accent was too strong. That I wouldn’t make it because “daddy wasn’t rich”. That I was a stupid, foolish little girl for having a relationship in the office (a guy who’s now my husband)

I’ll never forget the day he took me to a café, told me I was incompetent and fired me. I had to leave my apartment and we ended up moving cities. Because my confidence was shot, I fumbled through the next 2 to 3 jobs and didn’t stay very long. I had a lot of therapy.

I don’t know what to say. I haven’t thought about him in almost 2 decades. Part of me wants to delete the message. Another part of me wants to message back with some hard truths. And another part of me is tempted to meet up with him and look him in the eye. Because guess what – we traded places. I worked my ass off in my 30s and I’m now in a much better, more successful position than he. Looks like he went backwards. I want to say look at me now you stupid, silly little man.

But I think I should probably delete it…

This! 100%. Sublime response. It made this loser engage in a time consuming yet pointless task as a little form of revenge but still allowed you to remain professional and essentially tell him in cold but formal ‘business speak’ that he was a toxic colleague without actually saying it directly. Cathartic I’m sure and utterly genius! ♥️

OP, he had you fired so there is no way he has forgotten that.
He must be very very stuck to be reaching out.

I wouldn't respond, but if you ever get the chance to damn him and damage him quietly by word of mouth, do it.

Very satisfying.

No. That gives them satisfaction that they've irritated you. Just block the guy and don't think about him any more.

I would not respond in the hope of a delicious second message beginning "You must have missed my previous message......" because it wouldn't occur to the arrogant arsehole you could possibly be ignoring him.

How horrible to have that blast from the past gust up like a sad fart. I would amuse myself in how I could respond, but I hope I wouldn't as a PP observed, people like that really hate being ignored. I suspect he might have been messaging people left, right and centre, so he might not even notice if you don't respond.

Here is a story from Sarah Millican, about when she received an email from her school bully, and how she responded.

I know this has upset you understandably but we know that silence is a language and no response is a response. I wouldn't respond. I wouldn't want him to know that I'd given him a second thought since he tried to ruin you.

I agree with this post - what works for you?

Personally, I would take my time in crafting a devastating message (I am very good at this), send and then block him.

I don’t understand the whole “silence is the best way to get someone back/handle this” stuff.

He was a cunt to you. Tell him he was a cunt and move on. It doesn’t have to be a long, drawn out message.

”Fuck off, you were a cunt to me years ago” would do and then no further engagement.

Yeah, he knows he’s a dickhead and a bully, but it might make you feel better to tell him that rather than just hide away.

Why go with silence?

Surely it's not a completely pointless task? It's a task which organizes your thoughts, skills, strengths, etc and the end result could be easily adapted to include on a CV, CV cover letter or other job application documents. I think this response would be more helpful than revengful to the bully.

Ignoring is definitely the way to go IMO.

If you don't respond and block, it means no further interactions with the twerp.

I have had similar. I chose the hard truths and regretted it. I felt like it opened up a dialogue and I lost my high ground.

my advice is to delete it. You haven’t got time for people like that. Literally.

Well in this case it was as I imagine he’s already got all this info. Point is the poster made him do it again to tailor to the specific requirements of this particular role within a short deadline so yep pointless!

I know there's a lot to be said for the "ignore/block" tactic, but I don't think it's enough any more when so many electronic communications just get ignored for reasons of benign too-many-emails-to-cope-with. I certainly don't think you should spend any significant time explaining to him in detail what he did to you. However, I would reply to him briefly. Something like "Karma's a b!£@h. You treated me like s#!t on your shoe. I want nothing to do with you, do not contact me again"

(edited because Mumsnet autocorrected my dashes into strikethroughs)

When mine contacted me via Facebook I blocked her. I think sometimes these bullies get supply from knowing you’re still upset about what they’ve done years later. It makes them feel powerful. Any contact good or bad is fuel for them. Just block him that will hurt his ego more than you expressing how much he hurt you.

I had a similar experience and met my old work place bully at an industry event a few years later, when I was in a higher position to the one he'd been in when he screwed me over.

He came over to compliment me on my achievements in a "pally" way. I pointed out I'd had some fantastic mentorship in my more recent roles, and mentioned he'd shown me first hand exactly how not to behave to climb the ladder.

My current (excellent) boss found it all hilarious.

I’d say ignore without blocking. Blocking shows him he’s got a reaction out of you. Better for him to feel invisible.

Similar happened to me. An old boss who was just nasty and mean to me, contacted me on LinkedIn asking for a job hook up. I just enjoyed ignoring her. She doesn’t take up space in my head anymore.

I wouldn’t reply. Don’t put anything in writing to him. He could find a way to use it against you. Ignoring him will be the best way to treat this prick. Don’t give him oxygen. And well done on your career trajectory. X

This is like all those school bullies that conveniently forget how they made peoples lives hell.
Walk on by, they are lonely now !

He probably thinks his leadership style is successful because - look! My old colleague @sellotape12 has done so well! - he's probably claiming credit for setting you and a whole load of others up for your successful careers.
My first boss in my initial job after uni was a bit like that. Fine if you were a yes person, but if you had your own ideas, urgh. He was a bit too friendly and had no idea of personal space. A bit of a creep. I left as soon as I could do! A few years later, my mum bumped into him and his wife shopping. He was full of how well I had done and it was all thanks to him!
Ignore, delete, block. He's after a favour.

I agree with everyone up above who's said leave his message read but don't respond.

In his own head he's probably seen your success and credited himself with 'toughening you up' and spurring you on to improve and achieve.

I've always followed a previous poster's 'the less you say, the more you make them think' but if you care to handwrite a reply telling him exactly what you think, do that and then have the satisfaction of burning it.

I can never understand suggesting someone make themselves out to be thick as mince and semi-illiterate.

What is making yourself look very stupid meant to achieve??

Calm down, it was just a humorous reply!

Okay, I’ll open the message this morning and then leave him unanswered. Looks like he’s got a bit new age and is into social justice. My God…back then he was a cut throat, hard nosed “I’m bringing all my London professional experience to you because I’m better than you all” type. He must be 60 now.

I think if I don’t LinkedIn connect with him, he’ll just forget about the request, whereas a tiny part of me wants my one chance to hit home what he did to a poor defenceless 20-year-old. YET on the flipside, I’m now a mum of a toddler with my own grey hair poking through. I already woke up in the night yesterday thinking about this man – he doesn’t deserve any more of my brain space or my life.

I am saddened though not surprised how many posters think you should allow this man to get away completely free with the terrible harm he did to you, by just ignoring and deleting him. Why?

It's just like, on the relationships board, men will treat women they are dating appallingly, sleeping with them then ghosting or whatever and women are told to "keep their dignity" by staying silent, and effectively completely allowing the guy to get away with it unchallenged.

Why? Why do we, as women, believe and tell each other that we can only be dignified when we are silent? That to call out harm done to us is somehow a sign of weakness?

I am not angry with individual women who say this, but I am fucking furious with the system that makes them so convinced it's true.....

Because it's part of a much wider problem - the patriarchy would have us believe, as women, that it is "undignified" for us to express our completely justified anger. Of course they would. It suits their needs perfectly if we suck up and shut up.....

You tell him exactly what you think of him, OP, in whatever terms you want. You have the power now. And he fully deserves your rage..... And a lot more, actually. This fucker sacked you. He destroyed years of your life. His actions might even have taken your life - people do sometimes end their lives in similar circumstances.....

Don't stay silent, unless that is your free and preferred choice. Don't do it out of a misplaced belief it's "dignified".