My bully got in touch after 20 years…

[sellotape12]

This evening a message popped up on my LinkedIn. I jumped out of my skin. It was from my old boss, in my first ever job 19 years ago. A man that bullied me senselessly. That experience changed the trajectory of my life.

I haven’t thought about him in almost 2 decades. His message is breezy and a general hello, and commenting on my ‘glittering’ career; as if he’s forgotten.

I remember before he joined I had absolutely loved my job, I was confident and learning. When he arrived, he made me his whipping boy. He set me up for failure. He deliberately embarrassed me in front of clients. Instead of identifying my obvious gaps as a junior and working with me to train me, he took me to task on them all. He told me my accent was too strong. That I wouldn’t make it because “daddy wasn’t rich”. That I was a stupid, foolish little girl for having a relationship in the office (a guy who’s now my husband)

I’ll never forget the day he took me to a café, told me I was incompetent and fired me. I had to leave my apartment and we ended up moving cities. Because my confidence was shot, I fumbled through the next 2 to 3 jobs and didn’t stay very long. I had a lot of therapy.

I don’t know what to say. I haven’t thought about him in almost 2 decades. Part of me wants to delete the message. Another part of me wants to message back with some hard truths. And another part of me is tempted to meet up with him and look him in the eye. Because guess what – we traded places. I worked my ass off in my 30s and I’m now in a much better, more successful position than he. Looks like he went backwards. I want to say look at me now you stupid, silly little man.

But I think I should probably delete it…

Message all his contacts and tell him how he is.

It’s a sad truth that you can’t educate an arsehole. No matter what you said to him, he won’t reflect on his past behaviour and it won’t change the fact that he’s a sad little bully who has to live with the consequences of his actions. You’re absolutely doing the right thing, ignore him like he doesn’t matter because he really doesn’t.

Definitely don't contact him! If you confront him in any way he will give you one of two responses. 1) He either will deny everything, or 2) He will spin some yarn about how he had to be tough on you for your own good. And look where you ended up " thanks to him" . He will end up claiming credit for your success, you will feel like shit and your success will feel tainted.

I agree with what other posters have already said. Ignore, block, move on and forget he ever existed. You can revel in the fact that he is now desperate enough to reach out to you, but don't give him any of your time. Not getting a response will be the biggest punishment men like him will even feel in the first place.

No response is a powerful response.

Usually I I would be in the 'ignore' camp however in this case I would be tempted to respond, suss out what he wants, perhaps lead him up the garden path a bit with regard to contacts or whatever and then drop him.

I'm not generally a vengeful person however I had a hideous boss almost 20 years ago, spoke to me like dirt, a thoroughly unpleasant man. After I left the job he contacted me a couple of times to ask some questions on what I had been working on before I left which I was happy enough to answer.

After a few weeks I had a most enjoyable phone call where he said my replacement wasn't working out and before he started recruiting again he wanted to check if I was happy in my new role or if I would be interested in returning to work for him. I actually laughed in disbelief and assured him I was very happy in my new role and didn't believe in going backwards in life 😁

Am I alone in thinking this isn't a good response and infact is quite helpful to the former bully?

You provided some useful advice in helping the bully organize their thoughts, and at the end they have a useful template they can repurpose and apply to other former jobs/working relationships. Imo it's not a wasted effort and a good use of the former bully's time?

As others have said the silent approach is better. Give them nothing, they're not worthy of your time.

Yes

It might be hard to ignore and be silent but it will be the strongest response.
By replying you give the power back to him and allow him to respond to what ever you have said and start a conversation.

Imagine if you gave him some hard truths and he then replied denying it all and saying you imagined his bullying.... what then? a back and forth??

You have moved on from this man, no need to step back into that space ever again.

As others have said he is just touting for business. Let him struggle.

I read the OP and cut to the end; my first boss was a bully, too. Because it was NHS he wasn’t able to do too much, but it is still, 40 years later, satisfying to know that his ‘promotion’ out of that job (after I’d moved on to a much more pleasant one) saw him ‘let go’ less than 18 months later, and he remained unemployed for a considerable time. One of my colleagues in that original job ran into him later and said he was a bit of a shambles.

Good.

This!

I definitely wouldn’t waste my time meeting him. But I think I wouldn’t be able to resist a short message saying thanks for getting in touch and that I was proud of my achievements and professional successful despite his terrible training and bullying behaviour. But I know that others are right and you should just ignore the message. I wouldn’t block him. Just ignore him. I think if he is reaching out for help that will make him feel worse and maybe think about what he did and realise he was not important enough to even block. And my more petty side would enjoy that!

Same thing happened to me, with a few office bullies. Bullies are super neurotic and desperately need their victims. It’s all about power and control, so they change tack, suddenly wanting to be friends and nicey nicey. I think you should delete.

My mother always used to say ‘Never step on people on the way up. They won’t catch you on the way down.’

So best to just delete.

Just ignore it, that is the biggest put down. Absolutely. No. Reaction. He. Is. Nothing.

Wouldn’t blocking him just give him satisfaction that he still has some sort of effect over you ?

id leave on read
so clear you are choosing to ignore him

No reaction is the strongest reaction. Don’t reply. Delete. Ignore. If he calls your work and gets through to you just say goodbye and phone down.

The best revenge is a life well lived.

I think I would actually reply with what you have written in your OP. I would then ignore any further messages (including any apology from him).

I am sorry this happened, it sounds awful.

These suggestions of “Sorry, I don’t remember you.” are silly because it’d be such an obvious lie; of course you remember your first boss who sacked you! These replies would show that you felt the need to lie. Why? Cooler to speak your mind or ignore.

Ignore the message. Block all communication from him. Don't waste any more mental space on him. Congratulate yourself that all your successes are your own despite his terrible behaviour.

Brilliant!

I suspect he's been sued by a current subordinate and is trying to tie up loose ends. To this end, his LinkedIn message falsely creates a pattern of a 'supportive' management style.

Best response !!v

Ignore.
The most infuriating thing to men like him is to be ignored. If you respond a part of him might be happy that he has taken some time out of your day to do just that. Don't give him the satisfaction.

To paraphrase my dad, don't wrestle in the mud with a pig. You both get covered in mud and the difference is that the pig enjoys it.

So ignore