My bully got in touch after 20 years…

[sellotape12]

This evening a message popped up on my LinkedIn. I jumped out of my skin. It was from my old boss, in my first ever job 19 years ago. A man that bullied me senselessly. That experience changed the trajectory of my life.

I haven’t thought about him in almost 2 decades. His message is breezy and a general hello, and commenting on my ‘glittering’ career; as if he’s forgotten.

I remember before he joined I had absolutely loved my job, I was confident and learning. When he arrived, he made me his whipping boy. He set me up for failure. He deliberately embarrassed me in front of clients. Instead of identifying my obvious gaps as a junior and working with me to train me, he took me to task on them all. He told me my accent was too strong. That I wouldn’t make it because “daddy wasn’t rich”. That I was a stupid, foolish little girl for having a relationship in the office (a guy who’s now my husband)

I’ll never forget the day he took me to a café, told me I was incompetent and fired me. I had to leave my apartment and we ended up moving cities. Because my confidence was shot, I fumbled through the next 2 to 3 jobs and didn’t stay very long. I had a lot of therapy.

I don’t know what to say. I haven’t thought about him in almost 2 decades. Part of me wants to delete the message. Another part of me wants to message back with some hard truths. And another part of me is tempted to meet up with him and look him in the eye. Because guess what – we traded places. I worked my ass off in my 30s and I’m now in a much better, more successful position than he. Looks like he went backwards. I want to say look at me now you stupid, silly little man.

But I think I should probably delete it…

Not other colloquialisms, no.

Just the thick-as-mince, semi-illiterate "who dis" as a reply to someone they'll quite obviously remember.

I mean seriously, would someone in a professional capacity on LinkedIn genuinely write that as a reply to anyone?? If they would, then they're definitely making themselves look thick as mince.

Sorry if that hits a nerve - I'm guessing you've used it?! 😅

Oh if I was now way more successful than him, I'd want to rub it in. Turn up for coffee expensively dressed, drop a Porsche keyring on the table (even if you bought it on Amazon) and let him talk. Then let rip. Pay the bill - to rub it in even more - and walk out.

Original Porsche Coat of Arms Key Pendant Blue 911 Boxster Cayman Panamera Cayenne : Amazon.co.uk: Automotive

I am saddened though not surprised how many posters think you should allow this man to get away completely free with the terrible harm he did to you, by just ignoring and deleting him. Why?

I totally agree with @Ilovelurchers If you've ever had this happen to you, and I have, you want justice. At least tell him some home truths. Otherwise, he'll never learn and might inflict his shit on someone else.

i wouldn’t be rude. I don’t believe in making enemies or creating drama just to prove a point. Either don’t reply or acknowledge politely and decline regretfully when the favour is requested.

In response to GeorgeMichaelscat I am replying by saying I agree with not responding or if OP does just add I don't remember you as it shows they are insignificant to the person. In my case I was told that after my school bully had been a paramedic for a few years, was out and about and started an argument and then killed a man. It was an ex teacher who told me who I met at a party. The teacher said to me it proved the point to him that bullies rarely change. He had read about the man in the local paper. I think some people can change but if my bully was able to meet up with me I would not want to. He is in jail for life so is not able to go to any cafe at all apart from the prison canteen. A lifetime of porridge for him. I have been able to have a great life ,I had a wonderful career and now I am retired have a lot of time to do whatever I want. People tell me that that is the best way to be. I can plan all sorts of travelling now whereas he can make it to his exercise yard. I realise my situation was extreme but to me living a great life, meeting with friends and nowadays being able to do whatever I want is far better than meeting up and letting him explain why he was a bully. I really would advise people not to meet up with people who used to bully them. There are many reasons why people bully others such as being jealous apparently. To me a bully is the lowest lifeform and as my bully went on and killed someone I would advise leave well alone I have done a lot of personal growth courses over the years and by living a great life that a lifer cannot experience is my way to be.

"Firing me was the best possible thing you could have done for my career, and I've never looked back. I owe my huge success to you, and I always wanted to have the opportunity of rubbing your nose in it. Now fuck off and never contact me again."

He has looked at my profile twice today too! Weird weird weird.
Btw for avoidance of doubt I’m not some career queen, wealthy high flyer - no Porsche keyrings here 😂 I just meant, I’m doing better than he is now.

I couldn’t resist finding out why he contacted before going down the blocking route, I’m too nosy 😅

He's probably wondering why you haven't replied yet!

It will make no odds. He's already got away with it, years ago, whether OP 'lets' him or not. The ship has sailed. Why waste good typeface, when people like this never learn anyway?

No response is its own response. It shows your correspondent that they are beneath your contempt; unworthy even of the effort of a reply. They are receiving no energy from you, you are devoting no time or head space whatsoever to them. They are nothing.

Far from being passive, silence is the more powerful rejoinder.

You can't enlighten someone or change them by telling them how you feel about what they did. Let go of that, its a fantasy. OP has the moral high ground, let that be enough.

Ignore or channel Sarah Millican
"I probably won't reply more than this as I don't remember you favorably"

I have not seen the Sarah Milligan clip until today. Her response was brilliant.

So in 20 years he can't have changed? Are you the same person you were 20 years ago?

Silence will have no effect, some home truths might.

Exactly this! That’s what i said @sellotape12 should be able to this vile person what he did. They need to know how they treated someone. I had a manager who in the name of banter was a bully towards me. Made everyday at work a living hell. Friends/colleagues thought it was banter and jokes but I was the one living. I’d like for the opportunity to tell him what he did.

Frankly, if it comes to someone who bullied, hounded or abused me, even if that was two long decades ago, I don't give a rat's behind about their social improvement.

It isn't my job to teach obnoxious people their manners. If they're unworthy of my time, they receive none.

I'd be so tempted to ask him what he wants. Let him spill then block. But I'm nosy 😁

Even if it might save someone else from the same treatment?

Women are not support humans. The onus is not on us to fix the rest of the world. It's on men to fix their aggressive behaviour toward women.

OP is under no obligation to revisit an unpleasant time from two decades in the past against her own inclination. It's not on her to correct his behaviour; the fact that he's seen fit to write to her after a 20-year hiatus does not confer that responsibility upon her.

If he's changed his ways, her intervention to 'save' a hypothetical future person from similar behaviour is unnecessary. If he's still the same nasty bully he always was - the old saying springs to mind here about leopards and spots - then OP's intervention is similarly pointless and would be a waste of time and hot air.

In either case, neither he nor his behaviour are in any way her problem. Stop making women responsible for the actions of men.

100% @SerafinasGoose if the OP were to reply and say how he had made her feel, all that does is give him some delusion of grandure and, heaven forfend, the perception that he had been occupying some of her head-space. Or potentially make it seem like she's soliciting an apology - when the most empowered reaction to that is "no thanks I don't give a monkeys about you!"

Let the silence be deafening. Silence can be the biggest "mehhhhh". No need to witness the effect, just have the salacious pleasure of knowing it will hurt his fragile ego to not be the centre of a woman's attention,

I am not making women responsible for the actions of men, what a ridiculous conclusion. She's may already be reliving the episode by the mere fact he has been in touch.

OP might find it helpful to tell him some home truth then block him and she may take comfort that her words might change him.

OP posted asking for thoughts and opinions and I am giving my point of view, you don't like it then move on.

How about…
Making a few vague references in your profile to your possible interest in hiring/supporting somebody with his skill set. How you have helped others who might be in his position etc.
And still utterly ignoring him, no response whatsoever. If there’s a way of undoing read receipts (is that a thing on linked in?) do that. Take enormous satisfaction as he squirms, wondering whether to reach out again..

I would forget him and try to de-energise this unresolved resentment
The only person suffering is you
try and look at it as a learning opportunity

Did you ever have a showdown with him? Bullies sometimes don’t realise they ARE bullies.

Don't respond. You're bigger than that.