My bully got in touch after 20 years…

[sellotape12]

This evening a message popped up on my LinkedIn. I jumped out of my skin. It was from my old boss, in my first ever job 19 years ago. A man that bullied me senselessly. That experience changed the trajectory of my life.

I haven’t thought about him in almost 2 decades. His message is breezy and a general hello, and commenting on my ‘glittering’ career; as if he’s forgotten.

I remember before he joined I had absolutely loved my job, I was confident and learning. When he arrived, he made me his whipping boy. He set me up for failure. He deliberately embarrassed me in front of clients. Instead of identifying my obvious gaps as a junior and working with me to train me, he took me to task on them all. He told me my accent was too strong. That I wouldn’t make it because “daddy wasn’t rich”. That I was a stupid, foolish little girl for having a relationship in the office (a guy who’s now my husband)

I’ll never forget the day he took me to a café, told me I was incompetent and fired me. I had to leave my apartment and we ended up moving cities. Because my confidence was shot, I fumbled through the next 2 to 3 jobs and didn’t stay very long. I had a lot of therapy.

I don’t know what to say. I haven’t thought about him in almost 2 decades. Part of me wants to delete the message. Another part of me wants to message back with some hard truths. And another part of me is tempted to meet up with him and look him in the eye. Because guess what – we traded places. I worked my ass off in my 30s and I’m now in a much better, more successful position than he. Looks like he went backwards. I want to say look at me now you stupid, silly little man.

But I think I should probably delete it…

Don’t give him the satisfaction of a response. Delete. Block.

Came on here ro say this!
Vile little prick.

I'm sorry you went through that. Him getting in touch must be hard and making you reflect on a time that must have been very, very difficult when he had the opportunity to see a great potential in you and treat you so differently. What an awful man.

I immediately thought of Sarah Millican too. Her school bully had contacted her when she was famous. She described how this spiteful bully had referenced her to a teen magazine article and how that had humiliated her. She replied with similar to "I don't remember you very favourably".

This sort of scenario has happened 2/3 times to me. One who was subsequently sacked for bullying others after i left inadvertently turned up at my place of work for a job, (I owned). I probably was a sap and was pleasant by they knew. I was once added on Facebook by a childhood bully. I kept ignoring her requests eventually I just said “we have never been friends and you were a bully, whilst my Father was dying”. and blocked them.

Actually he probably thinks you’re weak and stupid tell him how he behaved and see if he responds and report back here. I am curious if he acknowledges and owns his behaviour. I’ve been a boss myself and was young and look back and think I wasn’t very good and made lots of mistakes. Frankly I was out of my depth. Several employees I remained friends with and some stole, entitled, cheeky, unreliable and it’s not easy being a boss either.

So very very true.
An ex boss of mine was a bully, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of leaving. I was good at my job and, unbelievably, he stopped bullying me as he realised I was so resilient. He then promoted me to a managerial position.

He left shortly after I did and his career went in an opposite position to mine. He tried to go back to the company but they wouldn't have him.

@sellotape12 you could absolutely ignore and block BUT you could also have a little fun?

I would write back "Sorry, who is this?" and let him stew in that. Let him think he was so forgettable that you don't even recognise his name.

Yes thanks - ok. Unanimous. Ignore. I think the only reason I wanted to tell him the cold, hard truths was to make him feel guilty. Make him reflect. Given the time of his message I don’t think he can even remember what he did. However you’re all right. I’m assuming my values are his, and clearly he’s a man that isn’t programmed to have emotional iQ.

@Okthenguys (although your response was genius! I’m so sorry you went through it too.)

This op!

Definitely DON’T meet up - it would make him feel too important.

One of my old bosses bullied me but if you asked him if he did he would be completely unaware. He would often comment on my physical appearance, he would tell me I wasn’t important enough for his attention and he once hit me across the head in a team meeting (yes, really). Subsequently he actually recommended me to the owner of a company I ended up working at for 10 years. Recently he asked me for a LinkedIn reference and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I just ignored him. My confidence was shot working for him and to this day I struggle with confidence in a professional setting.
I would reply but with a scathing response but others are probably right to say ignore and forget about it.
I hate LinkedIn full of ‘thought leaders’ basically spouting ‘truths’

Really? Honestly?

OP definitely just delete.

I’d be tempted to play along until he tells me what he wants, and then respond with “You must be joking. After the way you treated me? Get fucked.”

Then block.

Delete. You have no need of this person. You are doing great. Silence is the best response.

Genius - and what makes it a million times worse than not getting a job after an interview is that you worked with him so yeah, it was personal.

Respect

Delete - don't give him any of your oxygen

I’d offer to be a reference. And then I’d be completely honest with anyone that reached out.

“Sorry, who’s this?”

It'll be an affair 🤢

The best thing to do is continue not thinking about him or giving him any headspace, so delete, block and move on. Not receiving a reply and having that communication method swiftly shut down will be all the message he needs.

Ignore.

People like this can be dangerous if they are pissed off as a result of an interaction and by ignoring, you take this away from him and also, you know he will be opening LI over and over waiting for a response. A fact that will make you smile and that is the payback.

He knows.

Give him both barrels then tell him not to contact you ever again. It will give you back control and he shouldn’t get away with his bullying behaviour.

“Sorry but I’m not sure who you are. We do not have any low level vacancies available at this time.” Then block.

As much as it might be satisfying to "give him some home truths"
he will not recognise them or his role in bullying you.

I'm sure he will feel as though he toughened you up and you are the glittering success you are now because of him.

Type out whatever you want to him to get closure but don't send it.
If you do it gives him an opening.

Your power is not giving him any power or headspace. Ever.

Don't engage or allow him any more of your time and energy.

You have won by making a success of your life.
Move on without him and don't look back.

From experience people like him aren’t capable of feeling guilty and really only care about themselves and their power over others. Like others have said the greatest move you can make now is to ignore him. He will be more confused and shocked by annyone not falling over themselves to message him back over you messaging him to let him know he still has that power over you. I know it’s hard because you want him to experience some of the pain and humiliation that you experienced but it really wouldn’t have the desired outcome and ghosting him is definitely more powerful in this situation. Well done on your achievements too that’s amazing to hear that you managed to accomplish so much even after such an awful start to your career. Hope you’re ok OP sending good wishes to you x