Touchy-feely men at work

[Askingforadvice78]

This is something I'm just wondering.

There are a few touchy-feely men at my work. For example, one adjusted my polo neck and said, I think affectionately, "Does no one look at you before you leave in the morning?" He will also tap or quickly rub my shoulders, or, for example, take a bit of fluff from my dress on my outer thigh area. Another man rubs my shoulders or arms too, to say hello. Like, he'll greet me but with a rub on my arms from behind. Not with words. Then there's a third who has mentioned that I am good looking and when I have commented about my age (I'm mid forties) it turns into more compliments. Which I don't really want or need. I'm pretty sure there's nothing in my behaviour which is needy. Or vulnerable.

I feel like I'm being stupid, but I don't know if men should touch you like this? I don't really think they fancy me, they are all married, I just think they're being kind but why do they feel they should be or can touch me in this way? I suppose they might do it to all women. I've also wondered if they do it because I am a small woman, so maybe they think I need looking after? Sometimes I think it's flirtatious, but I don't know if I misread the situation.

I was wondering what you might think. I wondered if you had any similar experiences.

Not sure if it's relevant, but I am happily married and fidelity is extremely important to me and my fab husband.

A knee to the groin usually solves this problem.

If you don’t mind them doing it then carry on.

If you don’t like them doing tell them to stop.

Its really that simple.

If you're uncomfortable with it, ask them to stop and/or report to HR.

I have a touchy feely colleague, he once patted my bum and I told him if he touches me again I'll slit his throat, he hasn't touched me since so that's an alternative suggestion although probably not appropriate.

This the reason the word 'GERROFF' was invented. Used with a flinch.

I would find it creepy. Comments and touching - nope.

I suppose because it's work I'm trying to be polite. Actually in the past months I've avoided all of them - which is quite possible with a staff of 100 plus. But I don't know why they feel like they can do it! Why should I have to attack them or book an appointment with HR to achieve something normal!

Until you said they were married I had assumed they were gay and perhaps they think that you are comfortable with them being physical because of that.

Just say "oh please don't come near me, I saw you scratching your head and think you may have nits"

It’s not your fault but don’t be too polite or friendly when they do these things. They’re testing boundaries and some have gone too far already if they’re touching your thighs. If you’re not interested and it happens again just say “that’ll be my thigh” disapprovingly. They should get the message. I’ve had guys at work do this (touch a leg) and they were definitely interested and knew what they were doing. There have also been male colleagues who were interested but who still managed to keep their hands to themselves.

Bet he's not picking fluff off of Steve's trousers.
None of them should be touching you!!
Use your words and tell them to refrain from touching you.

Oh it's just society. I personally think workplaces should be 100% professional and we shouldn't have to deal with this bollocks but it's not always like that.

It makes me uncomfortable and you're right with testing boundaries but so far I have failed because I didn't speak up!

So do you think this is normal in society? And it shouldn't be in the workplace but one is reflective of the other - so they're just being nice?

That said, my female colleagues don't do this.

I'm just trying to navigate.

You haven't failed,you shouldn't be in this predicament because sleazy men are taking the opportunity to touch you.

As someone has already said, it's boundary testing. The fact that it's more than one man doing it is really concerning. Imo you should start looking for a less creepy workplace and in the meantime, "PLEASE DON'T TOUCH ME!" Then you're being clear, direct and polite. But seriously try and find somewhere better to work.

They shouldn't and they know they shouldn't.
Tell them you don't like it and step away. No need to put up with it anywhere.

Don't do that I don't like it, ewww get off slapping at hand, an abrupt paws off thank you, fuck off. Pick your favourite, but be clear you are telling not asking, and if you have to tell again that is an escalation to HR.
Cheeky fuckers.

Thing is, it's a school. It's a very professional school with great pastoral care and a great reputation. Which makes me think it's something I've done wrong, because these men deal with teens all the time and know safeguarding procedures. But that's why I think it's me and maybe I give signals like I need to be looked after, it something, but I really don't. I don't understand if I have gone wrong somewhere.

20+ years ago there was a chap in our office who was a bit touchy feely. I told him not to touch me, and assumed he had taken it on board.
We had a 1 to 1, he touched me a couple of times, I told him if he touched me one more time, he would be wearing the drink I was holding. He touched my knee, so I threw my drink over him.
It turned out he had been very familiar with a lot of the younger girls in the office, making them feel very, very uncomfortable. He left the business not too long after.

I had a similar situation- just one bloke. People said he’s just a ta tile guy.

The thing is, it’s not ok. He may be tactile, but I’m not. And he wouldn’t be patting at men or bosses.

So rambling a bit, but…

They almost certainly don’t realise, and they won’t be consciously aware of the implication, but- it’s male dominance. They wouldn’t do it to a boss or a man. It’s subconscious patronising.

So stop it by stepping back and saying ‘hands off!’.
You know it’s coming now, so be ready. You won’t need to tell them more than once.

OP you are not giving out signals.

Stop trying to make excuses for these men.

Yes they might be doing it in a kindly way and have no ill intentions but the fact is you don’t like it!

If for example they try to adjust your collar just step back out of their reach and say “ Thanks, I’ll sort it”

Same with the “fluff picking” move their hand away.

Please stop questioning yourself. This is a them issue not a you issue.
They are doing it because they can. You don't have to put up with it just because they want to. You get to say no and they have to listen to that regardless.

I work with lots of men in an education environment. None of them do this, but if they did and I told them not to - they would just say sorry and wouldn't do it again.
But they don't do this because they are not a bunch of arses.

It is male dominance! That's exactly what I feel. And I feel that these men ought to know better because we don't work in some backwater.

I don't think I could throw my break time cup of tea over any of them though. 😂 It would be me encouraged to leave in that situation!

Thank you 😊

Avoid , but next time you can’t avoid do a much more exaggerated flinch when they touch you and stare at them and stand your ground

any decent man would get the hint but if it happens again say “ no “

third time it has to be HR

Thank you. 😊

Death stare??? Worth a try