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Original poster

How to put a stop to unannounced visits by in laws

76 replies

Bu22 · 17/04/2025 21:37

My in laws have been turning up unannounced and typically always around 7.30pm.

I have 2 young DC (under 5yo) and so 7:30pm is when the bedtime routine is well underway. It simply messes that up. Having visitors at that time always makes life hard for me. Either the kids are too tired, not in the mood for guests and attention, so in laws just end up winding them up, making them scream etc. OR they get their second wind and play with in laws and then end up going to bed too late.

A few weeks ago I was almost in tears when they striked again! I just got into bed with the kids (literally just opened the story book), got them all cosy and tucked in ready for the story and bang bang bang on the door downstairs. It’s a new area for us, no doorbell so without trying to nitpick that annoyed me in itself as it scared me a little! They really banged on the glass and when you are home alone in a new house, new area and not expecting anybody it throws you a bit!

After a few seconds I realised that it would be them.. so then had to take the kids out of bed, down the stairs and let them in. I was FURIOUS. Made it really known that time, but they have STILL been doing it?! I couldn’t have made it clearer in my reaction and I did tell them that we had just gotten into bed. Can’t help but feel they are disrespecting me as a parent and quite frankly not giving a single thought about anyone other than themselves. Although I haven’t said the words ‘call me beforehand’ or firmly set rules on days/times that they could come… believe you me they KNOW how much I dislike it. I have also heard DH tell them not to just turn up.

DH is never usually here whenever they come as he works late, he was here today (rare) when they turned up (at 7:20pm). The problem is that he doesn’t get to see them often, so whenever he is here and they turn up, of course he forgets about the inconvenience for me and the kids and welcomes them in with open arms and starts making teas, coffees etc. I have explained it to him and he has addressed it with them but clearly this has not worked.

In fairness to him, he is so busy working all hours that this sounds petty to him and he would rather me deal with it. I’m unfortunately a people pleaser and find it hard to say how I really feel. Clearly the look alone on my face is not giving them the vibes I’m trying to give to them! And clearly they haven’t listened to DH so what I’m here for is to ask….

How do I deal with this? What do I say? How do I say it, without sounding like a knob?

OP posts:

shellyleppard · 17/04/2025 21:40

Tell them you are happy to see them, but at an earlier time. Dh needs to say no too and back you up.

SheilaFentiman · 17/04/2025 21:41

“We cannot have visitors after (6pm, or whatever works) because the children are getting ready for bed. Why don’t you come over 2pm Saturdays as DH will also be around?”

It sounds like you are going with a hard stare instead of using your words!

Stickortwigs · 17/04/2025 21:42

I would say ‘I love seeing you ILs but 7.30 wreaks havoc with bedtime and had a knock on effect on our evening and following day. If you do think of popping in, please could you call DH and check if he’s home first and if not make it another time? Better to contact him rather than me as I’ll be doing bedtimes and probably miss it.

Are you around x day for a catch up?’

Or get DH to say / send a version of it.

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ForgettingMeNot · 17/04/2025 21:42

Get a ring camera and don’t answer the door

Mayflyoff · 17/04/2025 21:43

Get your DH to pop over to theirs if he wants to see them in the evenings.

ayonoosh · 17/04/2025 21:51

How overbearing!! You need to woman up though and tell them straight. Plus ring doorbell. You're enabling the behaviour by keeping quiet.

Original poster

Bu22 · 17/04/2025 22:01

@ayonoosh It can be so overbearing and difficult when you just want to be left to parent! But you are right, I am enabling it by not directly saying anything.

@SheilaFentiman As Paddington would say, time for a hard stare! That is exactly what I’ve been doing 😅 best not to take paddy’s advice on this occasion.

@Stickortwigs Yes - definitely something along those lines and I think I do have to just do it myself, it’s probably making me look weaker going through DH!

OP posts:

BoxOfCats · 17/04/2025 22:02

Yo need to be really explicit with them. "Please do not come over at X time / do not come over without checking with us first. It's very disruptive. We enjoy seeing you but we would like to be able to plan it at a time that works for everyone".

Talipesmum · 17/04/2025 22:05

If they call at that time again, I’d nip downstairs, let them in, hustle them into the living room and ask them in hushed tones to stay there as kids are nearly asleep. Tell them I’ll be down in 30-45 mins, close the door and disappear upstairs. No kids up to see them.

Hercisback1 · 17/04/2025 22:08

Send a preemptive message tomorrow "We enjoy seeing you, however arriving at 7.30pm is really ruining bed time and means dcs aren't getting enough sleep. How about you come at 5pm to see the kids on a weekday, or Saturday at 2pm we'll be here? Let us know which one is best".

Then if they ever come at 7.30pm again, keep the kids upstairs.

canthavethatonethen · 17/04/2025 22:08

Oh this would aggravate me no end.

bigboykitty · 17/04/2025 22:13

Don't disturb anyone and don't answer the door. If they ask why you didn't answer the door, tell them you were in the middle of doing bedtime and that you're happy for them to visit by prior arrangement at a mutually convenient time.

Original poster

Bu22 · 17/04/2025 22:14

@Talipesmum @Hercisback1 I’d love to be able to keep them upstairs to really make a point… but they are so little they would either cry if I even disappeared just to go answer the door or they would follow me right away! I’m at the point where I’m pretty sure if they were older I’d be asking them to hide in their rooms and pretend to sleep whenever I hear the door go past 7pm 😂

I am definitely going to address it because I hate the feeling of walking on eggshells too. It’s almost like a few days or (if I’m lucky) a week goes by and I start to think we are ‘due’ a visit and even worry about getting in the shower in case they just knock!

OP posts:

HenryCavillsPerfectTeeth · 17/04/2025 22:16

Tell them it’s inconvenient and that you won’t entertain it again. Completely ignore the door. As many times as it takes for them to get the message that they need to agree a suitable time.

Fourecks · 17/04/2025 22:21

Don't leave the room then. If your DH is there, then he can answer the door. If he's not there, let them knock and just don't answer. If they bang constantly, them go down, open the door a crack and tell them you're trying to put the kids to bed and it's not a good time.

Have you tried pre-emptively.scheduling visits at a time that works for you?

If they keep turning up, I'd be tempted to just leave every time they come over. Your DH can deal with the kids being up too late. Maybe he will put his foot down if it affects him directly.

Fadesto · 17/04/2025 22:23

In laws used to do this. I started by letting them in, but would say things like were getting ready for bed, can you let us know in future, you can check if it’s a good time to see dc..
then I was more direct, you need to call and check first please
then I started answering the door but not letting them in, then I stopped answering the door. Dh came home to them banging still after 10 minutes. I told dh that time that they were insane and he better deal with it now.

2025willbemytime · 17/04/2025 22:24

My late FIL used to ring us at 6.50pm four times a week. He just wasn't thinking about it being our babies bed time. We let it go to answer phone but I did have to tell mil He still did it though and we still didn't answer.

Klemamtine · 17/04/2025 22:28

Take control, tell them what time you are available between for visits and inform them that any visits outside of this time disrupt the children's bedtime routine and you will not be answering the door to them.

If they still turn up, open the door but do not let them in. If you are not feeling able to face them, leave a note on the door saying no visitors. You have to set firm boundaries here otherwise they will be pushing every boundary you set. You need to say something and mean it, if that is no visitors after 5.30pm then you stand by that and don't let them into the house.

A Ring (we have a Tapo) doorbell would allow you to speak to them without even going downstairs. Just because you are in the house does not mean you are available.

atamlin · 17/04/2025 22:29

“It would have been lovely to catch up but this is too late - the kids are in bed and sleep is important. Goodnight!”

You got your kids out of bed to answer the door to your in laws? You need better boundaries. Learn to say no. We have a rule in our house of no visitors after tea time.

JudasTree · 17/04/2025 22:30

It’s not clear to me why you go downstairs and let them in? Just be clear about the time not working, tell them an alternative one that does work for you, and if they show up ever again at bedtime, don’t go downstairs.

TeenLifeMum · 17/04/2025 22:30

Put a note on the door - do not disturb, children’s bedtime underway and door will not be answered

MelainesLaugh · 17/04/2025 22:30

Just don’t answer the door!

TeenLifeMum · 17/04/2025 22:31

Oh and call out from a window above if they do try. Do not go downstairs so door can be opened.

Octavia64 · 17/04/2025 22:33

Honestly I didn’t answer the door if I was putting mine to bed.

if it was a delivery they could leave it with next door and I wasn’t at home to visitors because I was busy.

Wineinthegarden · 17/04/2025 22:34

Can you have your phone on you and call them to say you’ll be down in 20 minutes when you’ve done bedtime? That way they get the message and you don’t have to keep getting the kids up?

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