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Original poster

How to put a stop to unannounced visits by in laws

76 replies

Bu22 · 17/04/2025 21:37

My in laws have been turning up unannounced and typically always around 7.30pm.

I have 2 young DC (under 5yo) and so 7:30pm is when the bedtime routine is well underway. It simply messes that up. Having visitors at that time always makes life hard for me. Either the kids are too tired, not in the mood for guests and attention, so in laws just end up winding them up, making them scream etc. OR they get their second wind and play with in laws and then end up going to bed too late.

A few weeks ago I was almost in tears when they striked again! I just got into bed with the kids (literally just opened the story book), got them all cosy and tucked in ready for the story and bang bang bang on the door downstairs. It’s a new area for us, no doorbell so without trying to nitpick that annoyed me in itself as it scared me a little! They really banged on the glass and when you are home alone in a new house, new area and not expecting anybody it throws you a bit!

After a few seconds I realised that it would be them.. so then had to take the kids out of bed, down the stairs and let them in. I was FURIOUS. Made it really known that time, but they have STILL been doing it?! I couldn’t have made it clearer in my reaction and I did tell them that we had just gotten into bed. Can’t help but feel they are disrespecting me as a parent and quite frankly not giving a single thought about anyone other than themselves. Although I haven’t said the words ‘call me beforehand’ or firmly set rules on days/times that they could come… believe you me they KNOW how much I dislike it. I have also heard DH tell them not to just turn up.

DH is never usually here whenever they come as he works late, he was here today (rare) when they turned up (at 7:20pm). The problem is that he doesn’t get to see them often, so whenever he is here and they turn up, of course he forgets about the inconvenience for me and the kids and welcomes them in with open arms and starts making teas, coffees etc. I have explained it to him and he has addressed it with them but clearly this has not worked.

In fairness to him, he is so busy working all hours that this sounds petty to him and he would rather me deal with it. I’m unfortunately a people pleaser and find it hard to say how I really feel. Clearly the look alone on my face is not giving them the vibes I’m trying to give to them! And clearly they haven’t listened to DH so what I’m here for is to ask….

How do I deal with this? What do I say? How do I say it, without sounding like a knob?

OP posts:
GabbySolisX · 17/04/2025 22:36

You’re being too accommodating. People like this do not get the hint. They simply do not give a shit as they come first. You have to be a very self centred person to turn up unannounced to someone’s house in the evening when they have young dc (or at all for that matter) stop opening the door. Every time they come knocking/ banging on windows, simply ignore them till they piss off. If they call your phone, ignore. If they’re rude enough to bang your door at bedtime, you can be rude enough to leave them standing there. If you don’t mind confrontation just go down and tell them you’re putting the dc to bed, now isn’t a good time. Can they come back in the day with notice next time. If they come when DH is home tell him the children are tired and will be continuing their bedtime routine. You’ll join them all later once the dc have gone down.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 17/04/2025 22:53

They're your husband's parents. He should be dealing with this. He needs to tell them to stop visiting unannounced and that you'll arrange a day and time for them to visit instead, no exceptions.

Waterlilysunset · 17/04/2025 22:54

ForgettingMeNot · 17/04/2025 21:42

Get a ring camera and don’t answer the door

This

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GingerLiberalFeminist · 17/04/2025 23:06

My FIL came round once uninvited. DH answered door in his dressing gown at 1pm. We were on parental leave and slobbing with new baby. FIL never did it again!
But maybe in this case you have to be more blunt!

TwoRobins · 17/04/2025 23:14

Talipesmum · 17/04/2025 22:05

If they call at that time again, I’d nip downstairs, let them in, hustle them into the living room and ask them in hushed tones to stay there as kids are nearly asleep. Tell them I’ll be down in 30-45 mins, close the door and disappear upstairs. No kids up to see them.

If you can possibly find it within yourself to do this, OP, I think this is perfect.

Blacksheep77 · 17/04/2025 23:18

It’s so hard. People act like it’s as simple as saying ‘don’t come to over unannounced please’ but then you say that and you’re the cow that won’t let them see their child and grandchildren. It gets twisted and blown up.

It’s my pet hate.

Rockmehardplace · 17/04/2025 23:41

Note on door - shhh, kids in bed. Please do not knock door.

SheilaFentiman · 17/04/2025 23:44

Blacksheep77 · 17/04/2025 23:18

It’s so hard. People act like it’s as simple as saying ‘don’t come to over unannounced please’ but then you say that and you’re the cow that won’t let them see their child and grandchildren. It gets twisted and blown up.

It’s my pet hate.

But OP hasn’t said anything yet! They clearly don’t speak Hard Stare 😀

Tarantella6 · 17/04/2025 23:51

Don't let them in. Ignore them. If they keep banging, open an upstairs window and tell them you've told them repeatedly that this isn't a convenient time, and could they please stop disturbing your entire street.

Darkclothes · 17/04/2025 23:52

atamlin · 17/04/2025 22:29

“It would have been lovely to catch up but this is too late - the kids are in bed and sleep is important. Goodnight!”

You got your kids out of bed to answer the door to your in laws? You need better boundaries. Learn to say no. We have a rule in our house of no visitors after tea time.

This is exactly what I was going to say.

Blacksheep77 · 17/04/2025 23:53

SheilaFentiman · 17/04/2025 23:44

But OP hasn’t said anything yet! They clearly don’t speak Hard Stare 😀

Show quote history

I know, I didn’t say she had! I just know if this was my in laws (who do do this) it would be getting spread around the family that I was so rude to them and told them not to come round to the house anymore. People like this are just a nightmare.

Nat6999 · 18/04/2025 01:07

Ring their mobile & tell them you are in the bath & kids are asleep, you are going straight to bed when you get out of the bath, rinse & repeat until they get the message.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 18/04/2025 01:38

I agree with the ring doorbell alongside asking them please not to call after a certain time. It doesn't have to be an argument. You've explained clearly and reasonably enough here, you can do the same with them. Any fair person would understand why they shouldn't be hammering on the door uninvited when children are going to bed. If they continue to do it even after asking them not to, I'd simply just refuse to answer. I'd let them bang on the door for hours if necessary. If they ignore your requests, you ignore theirs.

Fraaances · 18/04/2025 01:45

I think it’s time for a “Right… I’ve tried to be nice about this, but you keep ignoring me. If you turn up after 5pm, I will not be opening the door to you. You keep turning up at bedtime expecting us to be happy to see you, but let me assure you, we’re not.”

Springley · 18/04/2025 02:23

I had this for many years as MIL didn't believe she should have to 'make an appointment to see her son'. She would have a tantrum if she was refused entry and would get FIL to physically threaten DH. The fact that she rode roughshed over us in so many ways, and DH unwilling to address this, was a big part of why we ended up divorced. They had no boundaries at all. Needless to say I don't miss them!

Cognacsoft · 18/04/2025 02:57

If your dc are early risers I suggest visiting in laws at 6am for a few weeks.
Bang loudly until they answer and get them to make your breakfast. 😂
They will get the message.

MoreChocPls · 18/04/2025 05:13

I dont get why you would take the kids downstairs. Just ignore the door or pop down and tell them to bugger off, or text them.

MumChp · 18/04/2025 06:08

Bu22 · 17/04/2025 21:37

My in laws have been turning up unannounced and typically always around 7.30pm.

I have 2 young DC (under 5yo) and so 7:30pm is when the bedtime routine is well underway. It simply messes that up. Having visitors at that time always makes life hard for me. Either the kids are too tired, not in the mood for guests and attention, so in laws just end up winding them up, making them scream etc. OR they get their second wind and play with in laws and then end up going to bed too late.

A few weeks ago I was almost in tears when they striked again! I just got into bed with the kids (literally just opened the story book), got them all cosy and tucked in ready for the story and bang bang bang on the door downstairs. It’s a new area for us, no doorbell so without trying to nitpick that annoyed me in itself as it scared me a little! They really banged on the glass and when you are home alone in a new house, new area and not expecting anybody it throws you a bit!

After a few seconds I realised that it would be them.. so then had to take the kids out of bed, down the stairs and let them in. I was FURIOUS. Made it really known that time, but they have STILL been doing it?! I couldn’t have made it clearer in my reaction and I did tell them that we had just gotten into bed. Can’t help but feel they are disrespecting me as a parent and quite frankly not giving a single thought about anyone other than themselves. Although I haven’t said the words ‘call me beforehand’ or firmly set rules on days/times that they could come… believe you me they KNOW how much I dislike it. I have also heard DH tell them not to just turn up.

DH is never usually here whenever they come as he works late, he was here today (rare) when they turned up (at 7:20pm). The problem is that he doesn’t get to see them often, so whenever he is here and they turn up, of course he forgets about the inconvenience for me and the kids and welcomes them in with open arms and starts making teas, coffees etc. I have explained it to him and he has addressed it with them but clearly this has not worked.

In fairness to him, he is so busy working all hours that this sounds petty to him and he would rather me deal with it. I’m unfortunately a people pleaser and find it hard to say how I really feel. Clearly the look alone on my face is not giving them the vibes I’m trying to give to them! And clearly they haven’t listened to DH so what I’m here for is to ask….

How do I deal with this? What do I say? How do I say it, without sounding like a knob?

Why did you take the kids out of bed and down the stairs?

Let them in and point to the kitchen. They can do their own tea while you finish upstairs.

Honeybeatea · 18/04/2025 06:12

I could have wrote this myself. My in-laws decide to turn up whenever they fancy. I’d put a stop to it just now or it will keep happening. Yesterday I just didn’t answer the door. Then found myself crawling along floors as I forgot to lift my phone and lock the front door. It was like a carry on film.

AlphaRadiationIsHeliumNuclei · 18/04/2025 06:25

Don't answer the door.

If your partner opens the door, don't come downstairs.

Fgdvevfvdvfbdv · 18/04/2025 06:25

I had this happen with some family members a lot when mine were little. They would start shouting through the letterbox if I didn’t get to the door in time too. At the time I also was a people pleaser who would be left seething.

In the end we told them that they need to let us know beforehand if they were coming incase it was inconvenient, framed as we didn’t want them to have a wasted journey.

They screamed that “they weren’t making an appointment to see their own family” and then said “if we have to make an appointment then we won’t come over ever”. They dug their heels in because I think they thought we would cave, and we haven’t really seen them much since. That was 10 years ago!

People who overstep boundaries in this way struggle with compromise, it’s their way or the highway!

Sevenamcoffee · 18/04/2025 06:34

Agnes and Burt, we start getting the kids ready for bed at 6pm. When you visit after this time it disrupts things and make it difficult for me to settle them to bed. I feel stressed and exhausted when this happens and I need you not to visit at that time. Please visit us earlier in the day and let me know when you’re coming, We would love that.

JoyousEagle · 18/04/2025 06:42

Don’t answer the door. “As you know, we were in the middle of bedtime. I’ve asked you not to drop by unannounced at that time, so I assumed it wasn’t you because why would you come then?”

Agapornis · 18/04/2025 07:00

Can't you text them? 'Is that you at the door? This is a bad time, the children are in the bath and I can't come to the door. Please contact DH to arrange a convenient time to visit.'

Text 2: 'As previously agreed, you cannot visit after 6pm because the children need to sleep. Contact DH to arrange a convenient time to visit.'

BreatheAndFocus · 18/04/2025 07:39

Who calls round unannounced to a family with young children at 7.30pm? It’s massively inconsiderate. You’re going to have to tell them straight that they can’t visit at that time. If they do come round then, go to the door, tell them you’re putting your tired children to bed and so they can’t come in and shut the door.

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