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Original poster

How to put a stop to unannounced visits by in laws

76 replies

Bu22 · 17/04/2025 21:37

My in laws have been turning up unannounced and typically always around 7.30pm.

I have 2 young DC (under 5yo) and so 7:30pm is when the bedtime routine is well underway. It simply messes that up. Having visitors at that time always makes life hard for me. Either the kids are too tired, not in the mood for guests and attention, so in laws just end up winding them up, making them scream etc. OR they get their second wind and play with in laws and then end up going to bed too late.

A few weeks ago I was almost in tears when they striked again! I just got into bed with the kids (literally just opened the story book), got them all cosy and tucked in ready for the story and bang bang bang on the door downstairs. It’s a new area for us, no doorbell so without trying to nitpick that annoyed me in itself as it scared me a little! They really banged on the glass and when you are home alone in a new house, new area and not expecting anybody it throws you a bit!

After a few seconds I realised that it would be them.. so then had to take the kids out of bed, down the stairs and let them in. I was FURIOUS. Made it really known that time, but they have STILL been doing it?! I couldn’t have made it clearer in my reaction and I did tell them that we had just gotten into bed. Can’t help but feel they are disrespecting me as a parent and quite frankly not giving a single thought about anyone other than themselves. Although I haven’t said the words ‘call me beforehand’ or firmly set rules on days/times that they could come… believe you me they KNOW how much I dislike it. I have also heard DH tell them not to just turn up.

DH is never usually here whenever they come as he works late, he was here today (rare) when they turned up (at 7:20pm). The problem is that he doesn’t get to see them often, so whenever he is here and they turn up, of course he forgets about the inconvenience for me and the kids and welcomes them in with open arms and starts making teas, coffees etc. I have explained it to him and he has addressed it with them but clearly this has not worked.

In fairness to him, he is so busy working all hours that this sounds petty to him and he would rather me deal with it. I’m unfortunately a people pleaser and find it hard to say how I really feel. Clearly the look alone on my face is not giving them the vibes I’m trying to give to them! And clearly they haven’t listened to DH so what I’m here for is to ask….

How do I deal with this? What do I say? How do I say it, without sounding like a knob?

OP posts:
CatsWhiskerz · 18/04/2025 07:44

I get annoyed when people phone at 'rush hour' let alone bang on the door!! You need to say something

ClaredeBear · 18/04/2025 07:45

Hercisback1 · 17/04/2025 22:08

Send a preemptive message tomorrow "We enjoy seeing you, however arriving at 7.30pm is really ruining bed time and means dcs aren't getting enough sleep. How about you come at 5pm to see the kids on a weekday, or Saturday at 2pm we'll be here? Let us know which one is best".

Then if they ever come at 7.30pm again, keep the kids upstairs.

this is the best way to take control. Make arrangements to see them before they turn up. That would be a good time to tell them not to call at 7:30pm but honestly, there are communication problems all round here that need addressing and your husband really must get involved. I’m sure you’ll feel much better with some straight talking.

olympicsrock · 18/04/2025 07:55

They are coming at that time because
it suits them
DH might be home
DC will still be awake

You need to have a serious chat to make them understand that this time does not work for you and that a visit is unwelcome.

Give them a proper warning and say that if they come at bedtime you won’t answer the door and follow through.

Interested in this thread?

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5 year olds Families
Powderblue1 · 18/04/2025 08:03

Firstly I’d let your DH deal with it and have a wider conversation about this. But in the Sanrio you mentioned, I would have kept the kids in bed. Answered the door and ushered them quietly to the lounge or kitchen and ask them to be quiet while I finish bedtime. Then after the kids were down I’d go down, make them a brew and say if you want to see the kids you’ll have to come much earlier as their bed time is 7:30pm. Would that work?

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 18/04/2025 08:15

When they arrived at 720pm did you just put children to bed as usual? I would have.

I would be telling them not to come at children’s bedtime and close the door in their face.

RealityContinuesToRuinMyLife · 18/04/2025 08:24

so then had to take the kids out of bed, down the stairs and let them in.

No you didn’t.
You could have shouted through the door ’I’m reading the DC a bed time story then settling them down to sleep, phone DH tomorrow. Bye”.

Although I think I would be more direct and simply say ‘you need to stop arriving at DC’s bedtime, you are upsetting our routine’ and maybe add they are not to arrive after 6pm (or whatever time suits).

Whynotaxthisyear · 18/04/2025 08:28

Tell them together, you and DH., the times of day you’d like to see them. They are unlikely to be deliberately annoying you. It’s no good expecting them to work out from your facial expressions what you need.

Ophy83 · 18/04/2025 08:29

"Oh how nice, you're here in time to do bedtime". Send them up with the kids and relax downstairs.

Jennalong · 18/04/2025 08:31

" Hi , we love seeing you but the time you've been calling is a little late for us as it's he kids bedtime .
Can we suggest 6 ish so they get to see you as well . "

Flossflower · 18/04/2025 08:32

Just tell them not to come at that time as it is upsetting the kids routine. Also tell them not to band on the door as it wakes the children up.

ThejoyofNC · 18/04/2025 08:55

I have a hard time having pity for you to be honest. You're a grown woman dragging two children out of bed to answer the door to inconsiderate people because you can't open your mouth and say something.

HellDorado · 18/04/2025 09:21

You’re being too accommodating. People like this do not get the hint. They simply do not give a shit as they come first.

Yep, this is it. You need to be as blunt as you can bring yourself to be. They won’t like it, but it has a better chance of working than hints or dirty looks.

A couple of posters have already mentioned having the “I shouldn’t have to make an appointment” line used on them. Expect your in-laws to do the same. Stay calm and don’t bite. Tell them it is not a case of making an appointment, but an arrangement - something that suits both parties.

MsCactus · 18/04/2025 09:26

I honestly wouldn't have opened the door!

Roastbeefandyorkshires · 18/04/2025 12:35

Had similar issue with ILs. My mistake was thinking that they would be reasonable and respect boundaries. Realise only now that they do what they want as ‘they come first’. Now I KNOW that I feel able to grey rock, assert boundaries and drop,
the rope without feeling guilty . Feels liberating and i have no desire to change them now.

Ethelflaedofmercia · 18/04/2025 14:13

I had this for years, and I mean 20 years! I loved them all but they just never thought to call. My ex-dps family was huge, and they all liked to visit so sometimes I would have different sets of them daily. It got me down and do just didn’t get it, as he was at work most of the time.

In the end I just stopped answering the door, so then they started going round the back and letting themselves in 😂 we split up (different reasons) and my ex-bil still pops round every now and then, still tries to let himself in but I’ve told him off about it.

Theyre just a family of “poppers in” and just don’t get it

Dillydollydingdong · 18/04/2025 14:21

If DH is in, leave him to deal with it. You and DC stay upstairs and leave them to it.
If DH is NOT in, stay upstairs anyway.

HiRen · 18/04/2025 14:43

Are they coming over and expecting you to feed them dinner? Why do they arrive at 7.30?

Darkclothes · 18/04/2025 14:56

To add to my other post upthread, MIL use to do similar, but would bring along randoms!

We were renovating, but also both WFH. MIL would arrive unannounced with her friend or her neighbour we didn't know. 1 time she claimed the neighbour wanted to buy our old appliance- it was a complete lie and she admitted she thought he'd want to see our house! MIL even said to DH 'well aren't you going to show Bob around???' When DH did this- I said to MIL that she is never to bring randoms to our house ever again and to check first before visiting.

The last time this happened, she was at an event near us. She struck up a conversation with randoms and got a lift back to her house with them, but she'd convinced them to stop at our house for a tour en-route. Thank fully, we have cameras outside the house and saw them all pull up and start getting out of a random car. DH went out and stopped them coming any further. DH also had words with her and she hasn't don't it since.

mondaytosunday · 18/04/2025 14:57

Just tell them you will not be answering the door after 7pm unless pre arranged. Appeal to their better nature and explain that you are sure they remember how tricky it can be to get the kids down so you greatly appreciate their understanding that you cannot have visitors then. Your DH must also say this.
And invite them around more often to prevent them needing to come unannounced!

Screamingabdabz · 18/04/2025 15:06

Why didn’t you just carry on what you were doing? They can knock the door all they like but if you’re busy bedding the kids down that’s the priority. Let DH answer the door and let him entertain them and don’t let it affect the bedtime routine. I might have even put my pjs on and gone to bed with a good book too!

Our house was family drop-in central when our children were small but it never stopped me carrying on with the weeknight routines. People had to work round me but it made everything far more chilled out.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 18/04/2025 15:10

Screamingabdabz · 18/04/2025 15:06

Why didn’t you just carry on what you were doing? They can knock the door all they like but if you’re busy bedding the kids down that’s the priority. Let DH answer the door and let him entertain them and don’t let it affect the bedtime routine. I might have even put my pjs on and gone to bed with a good book too!

Our house was family drop-in central when our children were small but it never stopped me carrying on with the weeknight routines. People had to work round me but it made everything far more chilled out.

This. If asked later, the kids were in the bath and you obviously can’t leave them alone to answer the door. Since no arrangement had been made or the courtesy of a text to see if it would be convenient you’d assumed it was a courier for the neighbours as they keep banging on the door like the drug squad arriving. Innocent face.

SunshineAndFizz · 18/04/2025 15:11

This would drive me round the bend.

You’ve got to bite the bullet and tell them - love seeing you but please can it be before x time because it’s disturbing bedtime.

BeeCucumber · 18/04/2025 15:15

Goodness your ILs are thick skinned, selfish and entitled. What on earth makes them think it’s ok just to turn up so late (for toddlers) in the evening? Firm words are needed. Tell them to make an appointment. Your time is precious.

Fraaances · 18/04/2025 16:21

Open the door, ask “Why the fuck are you here again?” Slam door.

StumpyJane · 13/05/2025 23:51

Girl !! I could have written this !!
toxic people pleaser hear , married , unfortunately living a stone throw away from the in-laws ! 2 kids , 1 & 3 … particularly MIL and SIL land in on me unannounced . Sil brings her 2 kids , trashes the house , doesn’t pick up ANYTHING . And leaves . This happens almost every day. At my wits and and truly hate to see them coming , literally leave my house for most of the days I am not working in fear of them arriving . It’s a terrible way to live , I have told them bedtime starts from 6pm lol , but they sit on. And if my friends are visiting they often land in on top of them, it is beyond rude :( anyways sorry I can’t help ya , but if you pluck up the courage to tell them to F off please let me know how it went 🤣

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