Why do my dc hate their birthday?

[TheWailingInTheForest]

I have always made their birthdays exciting and fun. Nothing over the top. Balloons, nice breakfast and gifts in the morning. Cake and friends over in the afternoon and a family party over the weekend. They’re close to their family.
Now they are teenagers, they seem to hate their birthdays. I felt sad at ds’ last birthday. He’s 19 and wants money for a gift and said he didn’t want to go out.
I’d booked a restaurant because only a couple of weeks before, we were watching something on tv and he stated that he’d love to go to restaurants more.
On his actual birthday, he got the money which he was happy with, then refused to go out for dinner (which he had already known about) because he had tests at school. He’d arranged to go out with a friend earlier in the day and I was hurt and said the very thing I shouldn’t have said “So, it’s ok to ditch plans with family to go out with friends”
He then cancelled his friend, dinner was already cancelled, he stayed up in his room all day.
I was sad and regretted what I said but I knew he’d have no plans in the evening because he never does. My other dc seem to hate their birthdays too and they all seem to switch into a miserable mode on their birthday.
I really don’t know why.
They aren’t miserable all the time and I promise I’m not usually like that and quite a fun and relaxed person. We do have fun together but birthdays seem to make them miserable and I can’t figure it out.

Feeling overwhelmed by the expectation of having to have a big birthday celebration?

Also, the dc you are talking about is 19. I think an adult can absolutely decide what to do for their birthday really.

I definitely stepped back at 17/18/19, they want to celebrate with their friends at that age. I always checked if they had plans, and offered to do something if they wanted but was very much led by them.

Its the age and I think with comparing to my son who is 14, you ought to be lucky you got to the 19th birthday being the one he's not Interested in.
Hes a young man now, he won't want to celebrate how you used to, its not personal to you so don't take it as such.

It’s just teenagers being teenagers. Step back and let them do what they want to

I hated my birthday from earlier than 19. I hated getting presents and feeling like I had to perform being grateful for being stuff when I didn't want anything. I hated the fuss and attention for something that was a random date in the calendar. I hated the expectation that it was meant to be a special day and that I was meant to want to do something like going out for it when I found it all rather silly.

I much appreciated having a GCSE then an A level exam on my 16th and 18th so I could claim those were more important.

I was, and remain perfectly happy in general. I just hated then and never stopped hating my birthday. From about 19 I managed to stop celebrating it at all.

Your DC might feel the same, or they might be temporarily feeling awkward about it. Nicest thing you can do is to let them have the birthday they want, whether that's cake and presents and a nice meal out or completely ignoring it or anywhere in between.

I think you and your DC have different ideals when it comes to celebrating birthdays. From what I’ve read, I don’t think it’s personal - it’s just that everyone is different.

I often feel sad on my birthdays, especially now that my birthday in two weeks time will be the last one in my 20s.

Yes, I get that but he did already know we booked the restaurant but didn’t want to go because of his tests, saying he had no time but was going out with a friend. It wasn’t to celebrate his birthday but to go to some shops with him. Sorry I should have made that clear.
He has never celebrated his birthday with his friends even though he goes to their celebrations. I would be happy if he did.

He just refuses to do anything and I real don’t know why.
His younger brother is the same! Won’t do anything on his birthday, even though he goes to friends events.

Oh, and neither of them like cake either.

Thanks @DappledThingsthey might be similar.

He’s an adult. Why did you make him feel guilty for wanting to spend his birthday with a friend?

Emotional manipulation is not acceptable.

Not to quite that extreme but DD 15 has always struggled with her own birthday, I think she finds the expectations of it a bit overwhelming. Much prefers other people’s!

Try not to make it all about how you think they should feel. Some people just don't like birthdays, and that's allowed. I don't have birthdays except for zeros, and I'm hoping that when I get to the next zero everyone will have forgotten exactly how old I am and I can skip that one too. I have to keep pushing back against my DM who is very snippy about it, I don't know why, I buy a present for her birthday it's not like I have banned all birthdays.

Book a restaurant that he likes when he doesn't have commitments and just have a no-pressure meal out. That's probably what you actually want, to spend time with him.

Thanks @BlackAmericanoNoSugaryou’re probably right.
Ds always buys me something on my birthday and Mother’s Day. I guess I wanted to make his birthday nice too.
I feel like I’ve failed somehow because both my ds are like that?

He is not a child.

I don’t like birthdays either, or Mother’s Day or anything else like that.
The reason is because they always ended in my mum crying and making us all feel guilty for the day not being special enough/us not being appreciative enough/refusing to say what we want (genuinely don’t want anything!) etc etc.

If it’s both your kids - and I mean this is the kindest and gentlest possible way - it’s probably you.

If your reaction to that is to get upset/guilty/dramatic etc, maybe think about that too.

Your kids birthdays are for them. If he wants to go out with his friend on his birthday - let him and do it with a smile. It is not your day and should not be made all about your feelings, which I suspect has been the case.

I really hope you take this with the kindness intended 💐

At 19 he is an adult. I would be asking what he is planning for birthday and saying would you like to go with family for dinner to celebrate, give a couple of suggestion of where, ask his ideas and ask when would be a good time for in the same way I would ask other adults when is a good time for them.

@AlonebutmarriedI appreciate your message and honestly, that comment was really out of character for me as normally I push them to do stuff with their friends, even on their birthdays.
This was because I felt messed around.
I’m not bothered about my own birthday and am so touched when dc buy something for me. We usually have a meal out or a take away.

He didn’t “mess you around”. He didn’t want a birthday dinner but didn’t want to upset you so said yes.

He knows he can’t just tell you the truth because you will try and emotionally manipulate him. And you proved him right when he eventually told you the truth, that he would rather be with friends, by making him feel so guilty about that that he cancelled on them.

He sounds very immature, like you're talking about a sullky 13 year old. Do you normally do sf any activities as a ffamily? Yanbu. I'm not suprised that you're hurt.

"normally I push them to do stuff"

Honestly, just stop doing that. They are more than capable of organising their own social lives.

@TheJollyMoosethats not quite correct because if he’d told me he had plans with friends, I would have cheered.
He’s usually a bit miserable on his birthday and does usually enjoy doing stuff afterwards.
This plan isnt anything to do with his birthday, its going to a shop with his friend.

Next year, ask him about a fortnight before if there's anything he would like to do for his birthday. If he says he doesn't want to go out, offer a takeaway. If he says he's going with friends, then offer another day.

@ohnowwhatcanitbeobviously I don’t do that anymore but I don’t think it’s good for teens to mostly be staying in at home.

@Bbq1We used to do loads. With their cousins and friends too. Now they don’t want to do anything much.
I honestly can’t figure it out except they’re just homebodies.

I think you have to manage your own disappointment and allow that they just don't like their birthdays. Make it low key, give money and a card and say happy birthday then leave it at that. If they express any views on the low keyness of it, then you can ask what they'd really like, but I don't expect they will. They just don't want a fuss.

But for not liking cake you are allowed to go NC and change the locks.

It's their birthday not yours just leave them do what they want