Why do my dc hate their birthday?

[TheWailingInTheForest]

I have always made their birthdays exciting and fun. Nothing over the top. Balloons, nice breakfast and gifts in the morning. Cake and friends over in the afternoon and a family party over the weekend. They’re close to their family.
Now they are teenagers, they seem to hate their birthdays. I felt sad at ds’ last birthday. He’s 19 and wants money for a gift and said he didn’t want to go out.
I’d booked a restaurant because only a couple of weeks before, we were watching something on tv and he stated that he’d love to go to restaurants more.
On his actual birthday, he got the money which he was happy with, then refused to go out for dinner (which he had already known about) because he had tests at school. He’d arranged to go out with a friend earlier in the day and I was hurt and said the very thing I shouldn’t have said “So, it’s ok to ditch plans with family to go out with friends”
He then cancelled his friend, dinner was already cancelled, he stayed up in his room all day.
I was sad and regretted what I said but I knew he’d have no plans in the evening because he never does. My other dc seem to hate their birthdays too and they all seem to switch into a miserable mode on their birthday.
I really don’t know why.
They aren’t miserable all the time and I promise I’m not usually like that and quite a fun and relaxed person. We do have fun together but birthdays seem to make them miserable and I can’t figure it out.

@Arseynalthank you. It seems they might be similar.

Did you ask him if he wanted to go to a restaurant with his family for his birthday?

We always asked ours what they wanted to do & if the answer was "nothing" then that was what happened.

Although a takeaway usually counted as nothing😀

Many young adults are not necessarily going to want to spend their birthday going out to dinner with mum and dad and their kid sibling. Let's be honest, it's about as far from cool as you can possibly get.

Why do they have too?

I think your last sentence might be the key to why they are responding this way,

Its very clear to me you are trying out of the goodness of your heart to make it nice for them, but sometimes the position of a mother is a tricky one. By trying “to be a good mother” it can sometimes have a subtle detour into being all about you.

I know that’s not how you mean it, but I do remember it setting my teeth on edge one Christmas when my mum announced that evening: “ well there’s another Christmas done nicely.” I know she wanted everyone to enjoy it, but something sbout the self-congratulatory tone made it seem as though her real priority was curating her “ Mum CV.” That in turn makes the child feel pressured to be “ enjoying it enough” for the mother to feel it was a success. It just becomes complicated when mums are very involved. Not that that’s worse than not involved but … it just is complicated.

Is 19 not normal to not want a party or anything like that?

he shouldn’t cancel anything with you to plan something else, that is just rude so well done for speaking up.

I think as parents we try and make everything wonderful and in reality it isn’t and our children/teenagers are often less keen to go along with our plans because, they want to do their own, they’re drifting away into their own life and sometimes to be frank it’s a lot of hassle in top of other stuff going on in life.
My youngest son isn’t such a fan of birthdays and Christmas and hasn’t been for a while - just lately as he’s a bit older now he does like to go out for a meal with us and his girlfriend.
you just have to follow their lead really or it makes everyone miserable.
I used to just say what do you want to do for your birthday? If he was meeting friends for a drink we’d drive him there a bit earlier have a drink with him and leave as his friends arrived, if he was going out with friends we’d give him some money for food/ drinks then have a nice dinner out ourselves.

Could just be a teen thing, in a couple of years it'll come back around

This is all you projecting onto your children.
I don't understand what is so difficult to grasp. Ok, annoying that he bailed on the meal, but why force 'jolity and fun' on adults who don't want it?
They are transitioning into their adult selves; cousins and family are not as important to them now, which is fine.

They’re adults let them celebrate their birthdays how they like and for goodness sake don’t guilt trip them into spending it with you.

Is he going through MH like anxiety? Sounds familiar

Do they have friends to celebrate with? All I could think of was they feel embarrassed not to be able to celebrate in the age appropriate way?
Eg would they be welcome to have friends over for drinks and making noise?

Have you tried giving options - ask them what they would like to do for their birthday dinner e.g. a meal out, a takeaway or their favourite home cooked dinner. Which doesn't have to be on their actual birthday if they'd prefer to spend that with friends. Same goes with presents - a physical gift, or tickets or just money.

Ask them what they want to do on the day and listen. They might not want the big family party or the meal out. They may want to chill at home and have a takeaway or throw a pizza in the oven. Ask them what they would like and recognise they are getting older and can decide how they would like to spend their day.

I love birthdays and I love spending time with my family but by that age my main celebration was with friends then a nice lunch or something with family the same weekend. I don't think it's unusual for a 19 year old not to want the main celebration of the birthday to be with parents, especially not without being asked what they want to do.

I think maybe your love languages are different. My DM is similar to you, she wants a lot to happen for her birthday so she also wants to do that for others, even if it's not what they want. My kids are 14 and 11, last year they both wanted something more personal to them rather than a family/friend get-together. I also find it overwhelming if my family want to all come round and see me on my birthday.