Why do my dc hate their birthday?

[TheWailingInTheForest]

I have always made their birthdays exciting and fun. Nothing over the top. Balloons, nice breakfast and gifts in the morning. Cake and friends over in the afternoon and a family party over the weekend. They’re close to their family.
Now they are teenagers, they seem to hate their birthdays. I felt sad at ds’ last birthday. He’s 19 and wants money for a gift and said he didn’t want to go out.
I’d booked a restaurant because only a couple of weeks before, we were watching something on tv and he stated that he’d love to go to restaurants more.
On his actual birthday, he got the money which he was happy with, then refused to go out for dinner (which he had already known about) because he had tests at school. He’d arranged to go out with a friend earlier in the day and I was hurt and said the very thing I shouldn’t have said “So, it’s ok to ditch plans with family to go out with friends”
He then cancelled his friend, dinner was already cancelled, he stayed up in his room all day.
I was sad and regretted what I said but I knew he’d have no plans in the evening because he never does. My other dc seem to hate their birthdays too and they all seem to switch into a miserable mode on their birthday.
I really don’t know why.
They aren’t miserable all the time and I promise I’m not usually like that and quite a fun and relaxed person. We do have fun together but birthdays seem to make them miserable and I can’t figure it out.

It doesn’t matter how you think you would react. It matters how he thinks you would react from past experience with you.

This isn’t the first time you have tried to emotionally manipulate him.

@TheJollyMoosethink what you like. I know I’m not emotionally manipulative at all. My dcs are free to do what they want and I encourage them to do things. I just felt he should respect his first commitment and was upset at his excuses which is why I made the comment I did. I regret it because it’s not normally what I’d do.
It’s strange that his sibling was disappointed that the restaurant was cancelled yet he would be the same on his birthday and ds had actually said on the day to book the restaurant for sibling’s birthday.
So, they’re happy to go out but not on their own birthday, even when planned.

Two different issues. Some people just don't like big birthday celebrations, and that's okay. It's not reflective of you, or their upbringing or your relationship, or anything else - it's just a personal preference. Stop trying to make them celebrate something just because you want to. You wouldn't like if if they insisted you HAD to like gaming or football or drill music or whatever just because they do, and it's weird not to so why is it okay the other way round?

However, I think you were perfectly fine to say what you did about altering his plans. Assuming he was fine with going out to the restaurant (which given you've said he specifically said he wanted to do more!) it IS rude to cancel pre-made plans for a better option, if anything telling him that is good parenting by helping him for the future, before he annoys someone who isn't his family by doing the same. Even if he hadn't really wanted to go out, he's 19, old enough to have just told you that when you suggested it.

If you want to celebrate them more, and they are otherwise happy going out, just don't want to do it for their birthdays, why not go out for meals/buy them something for other occasions, like getting good exam results, passing driving tests, etc?

So, they’re happy to go out but not on their own birthday, even when planned.
Makes perfect sense to me. I would happily go out to dinner any day except on my birthday because if it's on my birthday then it's because of my birthday and I hate that.

I remember what was probably my 17th or 18th. Around my birthday but not on it we were going to the theatre in Stratford. For my parents it was my birthday treat even though we quite often went and I didn't want it to be for my birthday but fine. We were having a picnic before and mum went all out to make it extra fancy because it was my birthday treat and suddenly a nice evening became horrendously uncomfortable and spoilt for me because she'd made it all about me.

I know it's hard to understand but for me, and maybe for your DC, making something be about the birthday spoils it even if the thing itself was wanted.

No self-respecting adult wants their parent (mother?) fussing over them as if they were still 5 years old - obviously.
Many of us as adults just don't see the point of birthdays - we don't need the attention and the whole thing is embarrassing.

Plus, they obviously prefer to see their friends, rather than their family - don't you remember being young?

It is about what they want, OP, not about your preferences.

You felt he should have respected his first commitment?

But he didn't make that commitment. You made it for him.

Your son is a 19-year-old adult. He doesn’t need you pushing him to socialise when he doesn’t want to. Leave him alone ffs. Just because you like going out for birthday meals, doing lots of social things that doesn’t mean your kids will, or should, feel the same way.

All your posts so far are basically about what you think and what you want and how you feel - that isn’t what other people’s birthdays are for. You’re acting as if they’re somehow letting you down by not wanting a fuss on their birthdays.

@DappledThingsThank you. This is the kind of insight I was hoping to get from this thread because I don’t understand it.

We do go out at other times and it’s fine though it’s not often as dcs preference is always a takeaway at home rather than go out to eat.

And if ds had wanted to, he could have gone to the shop with his friend AND gone out to dinner because he was meeting his friend early in the day.

If they don’t like birthdays stop doing stuff for their birthdays.

some people like birthdays some people don’t

most people like to choose what they are doing on their birthday,

my kids mostly chose cinema, paintballing or at 19 the pub and then clubbing overnight in London.

stop making it about you (especially the 19 year old)

By the time my kids were 14/15 they were going out with their friends for their birthday. Whatever they wanted to do bowling, cinema or even for a meal out. I would take and pick up if they wanted. By 18 they were clubbing. Didn't expect them to want to spend their birthdays with me.

@Octavia64well next year, he’ll be 20 so there’s no way I’ll be involved in any decision making.
Hopefully he’ll be at Uni having a blast with his friends.

My kids are a similar age and don’t want a fuss on their birthdays. They are not the types to post selfies on social media and a good birthday is some time with friends and cash as a gift so they can use it when they need it.

Are you disappointed because he said that the reason he didn’t want to go out was the tests when it was a white lie to see his friends? Teens seem to organise outings very last minute so I wouldn’t be surprised if he organised seeing his friends on the day.

My son doesn’t like cake too but is grateful for a birthday Kristy Kreme instead.

TheJollyMoose

He’s an adult. Why did you make him feel guilty for wanting to spend his birthday with a friend?
Emotional manipulation is not acceptable.
Op said it just came out and she regretted it. Everyone says the wrong thing sometimes

@SnorlaxoI was upset because he claimed he couldn’t do both going to the shop early and going out to dinner. He could have done both in theory, but was using his free time to go to the shop rather than the prearranged dinner.
If he had said he was now going out to see his friends to celebrate instead, that wouldn’t have bothered me but just going to the shop then sitting in his room for the rest of the day just seemed a bit sad and annoying when dinner was arranged out.
That’s why I was wondering why he hates his birthday. If he went out with friends, then he wouldn’t hate it.
Anyway, I accept that’s just the way it is.

I mean this kindly but is it possible you're a bit too involved in his life/their lives?

If I think of my mum when I was that age, we were very close but it was quite relaxed.

I would have been a bit shocked if she was trying to figure me out to the extent of posting on an online forum about me, about something fairly unimportant. I know mumsnet is used a lot for musing and generally figuring things out and that's great but my point is to gently ask if perhaps you put more pressure on things than you realise - as you think you're quite relaxed usually.

I might be wrong but the whole picture of booking a table, the comment (I know you regret that), cheering if he were to go out with friends, hopefully he'll be having a blast at uni with friends next year...maybe taking a few steps back and just letting him be might help a little.

Bang on. Please let them celebrate their birthdays how THEY want to. Not how YOU feel they should.

I have a late teenage boy and one in his early 20s. They haven't liked much of a fuss for their birthdays since they were children. I think boys tend to be like that, more so than girls. There are plenty of people who just grow out of that fussy birthday stuff once they're no longer children.

I have seen a couple of FB friends who insists on making a massive fuss of their children's birthdays every year but they are all teenagers now and probably just tolerate their mums posting a photo of them on FB with them surrounded by presents, cards, balloons, posing by their cake etc. I can't see that it's something an 18 year old lad enjoys doing TBH. TBH at what point does it become more about what their mums wants others to think of THEM and their parenting skills than what the young adults actually want?

Is he just introverted? I am, and I would find it a lot to have presents opening and balloons in the morning, go out with a friend for a few hours, and then go out for dinner where the focus is on me and whether I'm enjoying myself and grateful enough... I'm a bit tired just typing that out.

Also did he have a test to prepare for? He might've felt like he only had time for going out with a friend or the dinner. I would've offered to order him a pizza or whatever he wanted, you still could for dinner tonight?

@Returnofthemark
I appreciate what you’re saying. I just wanted to know really if this was a widespread thing. It’s just the way forums go I guess.

It’s a funny age. I never wanted to celebrate with my family by then. Next year give them some money and a card and have some nice food in and let them organise their own day.

Sounds as if he might just prefer to decide on the day what he wants to do?

We often go out for meals on birthdays but it's also just a family meal out as well.

No pressure on the birthday person iyswim?

I don’t think it’s unusual for teenagers to want to do something with friends on their birthday but not family. I think it’s to be expected tbh.

Are your DC’s aware that you are genuinely happy for them to celebrate their birthdays with their friends?

I’ve always hated mine too. I hated birthday parties as a kid - the idea that all these people had come to my house for me and I had the job of making sure they had a good time was awful. I’m talking in the 70s where “party games and tea” were standard and my parties were no better or worse than anyone’s but I was so self conscious about them. As an adult I hate opening presents and looking all “wow” in front of people - even my own family who love me. I don’t like attention or “fuss” and I never will. As an adult I generally have a nice meal at home with cake and a film at some point a week either side and I might have an outing on my own or with my sisters or my bff. I have an adult ds who is even more extreme and I send him a parcel in the post and otherwise barely mention it whereas my other teen ds went out on his last birthday with about a million friends wearing a “birthday boy” badge the size of a dinner plate as well as having 2 “home” parties.

@ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSeadefinitely! I offered to have them over, pay for meals out, escape rooms, cinema, bowling you name it. All their friends were doing stuff and inviting my dcs, yet they never wanted to organise anything themselves.