Can I get some advice please?

[BlueBrickRoad]

I have an uncle who was unwell in ICU but he's out now and on a ward. My mother wants to visit him but she wants to drag me with her.

I don't want to go anywhere near a hospital. I hate them and I don't know this uncle very well either. I find hospitals are just too warm. And there can be far too many people coughing and spluttering and I don't want to get ill. I do also have plans tomorrow. I was working hard all week with more intense work weeks to come and I don't want to go into the hospital. I also have a hair appointment tomorrow for a trim. My mother still wants to drag me to the hospital with her.

I suggested going and sitting in a nearby coffee shop.

I don't want to go into a hospital. I hate them.

Then don’t go. If Uncle has just come out if ICU then he is unlikely to be well enough to go to a coffee shop.

Why does your Mum want you to go?

Does she want a lift? If so offer to drop her. It's clear you don't want to go. No one likes going to visit people in hospital. You go despite this to be a support. If your uncle isn't someone you want to support them don't.

No I don't drive so it's not a lift. My uncle is a nice person but I am not close to him.

I just hate hate hate hospitals. Also I understand his health would be vulnerable after icu and I think the less visiting him the better. Just in case I have any virus brewing in me or whatever.

I can support my mother by going near to the hospital and sitting in a nearby coffee shop. I don't expect my uncle to leave his ward. My mother can then make the rest of the journey to his ward herself and I can wait for my mother from a coffee shop.

How old are you? Do you live with your mum?
Sounds like it's time for some boundaries @BlueBrickRoad.
It's my day off, Mum, and I've got other things to do. Give him my regards won't you? See you later! Byeee!

It's just I am not close to my uncle.

AIBU?

I work hard during the week and there's another hard week in store for me too and I don't want to spend my time off going to into a hospital. I also hate the heat of hospitals. I have plans and I don't want to sweat buckets before I even start my day.

Well on the one hand, you can’t go through life avoiding hospitals. I’m sure most people don’t particularly enjoy going to them! But in this instance I don’t think it’s unreasonable of you not to want to come. How old is your DM? Why can’t she go alone? Is your uncle out of danger or could it be that it’s his last days? In other words, might she need moral support?
We need more info!

I have a hair appointment tomorrow, slap bang right in the middle of the day. Also I had a dreadful week and my mental health is on the F*cking god damn floor and sinking lower and lower. I have thinking about taking my portable hobby to a pub for a cold drink or two as a pick me up either side of my appointment. I really need time to centre myself and be along for a while.

He is improving. My mother is in her 70s. She's not very frail but sometimes I see some WTF moments and I question if dementia is setting in but she still does have capacity in a lot of ways.

I would go to support my mum, in this scenario. Just like I went to support DH when his mum was unwell - I hated it and I felt on edge the whole time, but it wasn't about me.

Does she need/want your support? If so, then I think you should go. Sorry.

You keep coming up with more reasons not to go OP which suggests that you know you’re being unreasonable. Surely she could time her visit around your hair appointment? Or could you go for part of it? You arrive at the hospital together but she goes in alone while you have a drink somewhere. Then you join her after an hour and leave together.

I really think you should go. Your mum has asked and isn’t physically ‘dragging’ you.
Its not unreasonable of your mum to want you to support her.

No.

I am long term harassed from a disgruntled piece of shit of an ex friend. I had a quiet spell for a few months but she brewed her ugly head again over the past two weeks and restarted her hate and harassment campaign.

I am someone who wants to honest to god kill myself to get peace. Because that will be the only way I will be able to get peace. The law was never on my side from the crazy person.

There is noone looking after me.

I also have a hair appointment booked for tomorrow afternoon. I did not know my mother wanted me to visit the hospital and it will be so hard to reschedule my appointment and it's been months since my last trim. I meant to get in before now but I couldn't. I am sick of putting myself last and I am not going to cancel. For an uncle I only ever met a handful of times since I was a child.

There is noone looking after me in this world.

My mental health is on the floor but I have to keep on going for everyone else.

This isn't an excuse.

I would be able to consider going to the grounds of the hospital and there is a seating area and small coffee shop. I could go as far as there with my mother. I could take her to the stairs and to the lifts in the hospital but that's as far as it for me.

I am long term bullied, harassed and coeircoined into fixing a broken friendship that I do not want and the person doing this has manipulated the whole situation to claim that I am an abuser of her.

I had to phone a helpline during the week for support because it's getting so bad now.

I am really not feeling up to go into a hospital.

I am just after thinking of an incident from a few years ago. My mother and I were invited to a wedding from her side of the family. She rsvp as attending. In the days leading up to it she decided she didn't want to go but she wasn't sure but left it to the last minute and then decided to definitely not go but she wanted to lie and she wanted me to go alone and to do her dirty work of lieing to her family that she was sick. I was left at the last minute trying to find a replacement for my mother to attend with me. That was the support I got from her. Just to go alone to a wedding where I hardly knew people.

Surely supporting shouldn't be all one sided?

As in she doesn't support me when needed but I am expected to support her.

OP it's ok for you not to go. Stop feeling the need to justify it. Sorry mum I can't go should cover it.

Apparantly I do need to justify myself according to some replies above. Apparantly I am unreasonable for not wanting to support my mother for visiting the local hospital.

Nobody knows what I am going though. To be bullied and harassed and I need to get up every morning and put on a smile and go to work and that can often be intense too. I know what my schedule is going to be for the next two weeks and it's going to be crazy and exhausting.

I had a week from hell this week with more bullying and I just need time alone to centre myself and ground myself.

I just don't want to be going into a hospital ward. It's often too hot and tiring in hospitals and I have far too much going on. I am exhausted as it is.

The visiting time for the hospital is between 2-4. My hair appointment is at 2. It's just I don't want to go into the hospital and then spend the afternoon swearing buckets and especially after getting my hair done. What is the point of that? I could nearly half consider going in in the morning before my appointment but I would rather not.

This is an uncle that I have only really seen a handful of times in my life. Of course I care about him but from a distance and I do wish him well.

I have too much on. I could support my mother to the local coffee shop but that's it.

I got sick a few years ago and I need to go to the hospital and I need sedation. I mother never cared and she never helped me either. The hospital was refusing to let me go alone and I needed someone to take me home after sedation. Even though I am independent and felt reasonably well to get a taxi. I still needed someone. My mother never helped me. I had to find another friend.

Why is support one sided here? Why is it expected that I support my mother for visiting but she won't support me when I need it?

If you don’t want to go, then don’t go. It seems like you’re looking for justification for not going with every update. Tell your mum you will accompany her as far as the coffee shop and leave her to the rest.

I am not trying to justify anything. I had people tell me that hospitals are not nice but you have to go sometimes and you have to go to support your mother and I am being unreasonable.

I was trying to explain the about of shit and stress that I am under and it's not even half of what I am going through. Work is ramping up big time. It's just the place will be run on Skelton staff because everyone is off on mid term with their kids, me being one of them. So the physical work and hours will be done while at the same time I am to also pull some magic hours out from some hole and do some courses. There's just no quality time off whatsoever.

This is in conjunction to experiencing harassment too.

Noone understands the shit I am going through.

I don't want to go into a hospital. It's just going to be adding to so much crap as it is.

Time off is going to be limited for the next three or four weeks and it's so valuable.

This past week has been a nightmare for me in relation to being harassed.

You clearly are distressed for a number of reasons. The hospital visit is obviously to much. Does you mum not understand this? Are you able to talk to her? Is she aware of how much pain and anxiety you have in your life.

On top of the hospital visit you have this huge harassment issue going on. Do you want to talk about that. We are here to listen. But do try to calm down! We are listening.

She knows I am going to be busy with work but I don't think she is able to understand on any deep level as to what this is going to mean for me. Every day will be different for me but I had some good dame awful scenarios before to deal with and this isn't going to be anything knew. She really doesn't understand. You know, when I get time off it's so valuable to me.

Here she is now wanting to dig into my day tomorrow. It all has to be done on her terms and her time too.

I could nearly half consider a morning time visit like 11 am and before my hair appointment. I am not in a position to cancel my hair trim. I have been putting myself last for far too long.

The harassment is a whole entire issue. Nobody understands this. It has drained all energy from me for the past week but I still need to get up and keep on going. When all I want to do is go to bed and stay there. At a minimum. If I had the courage to kill myself I would do it but I don't.

Nobody understands this. Nobody understands the obsession, and desperation and the determination of the other person. When she goes through a harassment spell, I don't know what I am going to be faced with, in relation to her mental health and punishments. I don't know if I go into work on Monday morning if there will be harassment sent to my work and what I may have to answer for on Monday morning. If I don't answer to the bully, I will be answering to someone whatever she sees fit. I am not engaging with the person.

Nobody understands. Noone.

Going into a hospital is just too much. My energy over the past week is completely and utterly drained. You have no idea how exhausted I am. Most of it is from the harassment but then in the back of my mind I know there is some stuff piling in my work that i will need to do too.

Hospitals are just too hot and they always drain my energy.

I needed a hair trim since February but I wasn't able to manage it until now and I am going into my hairdresser tomorrow.

Notice how I have to put myself last with everything.

I have tomorrow off from work and Sunday too and I really need to take time for myself. I need to centre myself and ground myself. I just want to go and hide myself away in some city bar after my hair appointment and sit in front of a meal and a glass of wine with a book.

I don't want to be going into a hospital.

I could have consider a morning time visit like at 11 am and take it from there but nope, that is not good enough for my mother. It has to be on her time and her terms. She wants to get the 11am bus into the city. It is a 50 minute journey. That means not being at the hospital until 12.30.approx.

It's just going to be leaving me tight for my hair appointment too.

Notice how I have to put myself last with everything?

How strict are hospitals and visiting hours. Online says visiting hours are 2-4 pm and another slot in the evening time.

Would they allow a morning visit (11.30/12)?

Sunday would actually work for me too but that's not good enough for my mother either.

Sunday might actually be better day for me to go into the hospital. I might be feeling a little better after a day off perhaps. I don't know.

Are you alone, do you live with your mum?