Can I get some advice please?

[BlueBrickRoad]

I have an uncle who was unwell in ICU but he's out now and on a ward. My mother wants to visit him but she wants to drag me with her.

I don't want to go anywhere near a hospital. I hate them and I don't know this uncle very well either. I find hospitals are just too warm. And there can be far too many people coughing and spluttering and I don't want to get ill. I do also have plans tomorrow. I was working hard all week with more intense work weeks to come and I don't want to go into the hospital. I also have a hair appointment tomorrow for a trim. My mother still wants to drag me to the hospital with her.

I suggested going and sitting in a nearby coffee shop.

I don't want to go into a hospital. I hate them.

Hours are normally pretty strict unless there are mitigating circumstances or end of life care. Mornings are for ward rounds and treatments. Locally they only allow one at a time in most wards due to norovirus. Don’t go if you are not close and don't want to. There is no obligation

Lets say that you are not going to the hospital?

If we accept that, will that take away that immediate level of stress about the hospital visit?

In terms of how you are feeling right now, you going to the hospital will not serve any purpose for you, your mum or your uncle.

Go and have your hair trimmed.

You may not want to go into detail but who is harassing you and is at work? Sorry your post is not totally clear on the harassment.

You don't need to go. You are an adult. It is your choice. It is enough to say "for various reasons mum, I'll not be going to visit uncle in hospital".

that is not good enough for my mother. It has to be on her time and her terms.

It sounds like a problem in the relationship with your mother. You are an adult and you are entitled to make choices for yourself. You do not exist to please your mother.

What will be the consequences of saying no to her?

Thank you for your reply. So visiting hours will likely be from 2-4.

Well that just doesn't suit me. My hair appointment is at 2 for an hour. I really just don't want to then run to another part of town to make it to the hospital and then sweat buckets undoing a fine blowdry, no doubt. It makes no sense to get my hair done just to turn around and then go into a sweat.

In relation to norovirus - is that in relation to picking up the virus in hospital or for someone taking in the virus if someone is not well visiting?

If I was to not go into the hospital, it would remove some stress. It could likely be replaced by other stress and maybe my mother giving me the silent treatment because she won't be happy.

It would remove some stress because it would free up some of my time and more important - energy. I am exhausted. It's from my week. Mainly it's from the harassment. I can feel it in every bone in my body. From the top of my head to the tips of my toes to the pits of my stomach. I feel every ounce of anxiety. I am exhausted. A hospital setting would only just add to it due to the heat in a hospital.

I really need to grab time alone by myself. Go and sit in a hotel or a bar with a meal to digest in peace, have a glass of wine, have a book and crochet with me, or sit in a garden or stroll on a beach.

My whole entire hair appointment. I need to get this done. My ends are awful and I also like my hairdresser. I don't intend to trauma dump on him. I love his vibe and energy and flamoyancy and I need him right now.

It is not work place harassment. It's an ex friend.

Work is also going to be intense for a few weeks for me too.

It's all too much.

She will get over it.

It sounds like you have your own answer. Putting yourself first is the most important thing for you right now - your energy is at such a low, you can't be much help to anyone else when you are so depleted and your mum will get over it. Get your hair cut and some much-needed time to yourself!💐

Exactly! So you have made the decision, you are not going? Good!

As you say, there are other stresses. Tell us about the harassment from your ex friend.

What sector do you work in?

Local hospital has several wards closed to visitors currently due to noro outbreaks on the wards and reintroduced masks / sanitiser for those visiting to prevent passing it on or catching it. They also request those with symptoms not to go to hospital to visit or attend a clinic.

I don't want to go into too many details in case I am found here. Had an arguement with her many years ago where we then became estranged. She was sending me abusive messages analysing and ever aspect of me and our friendship and interrogating me. It's not physical harassment. It's electronic harassment. There's a lot of abuse and insulted and threats but they are not outward threats. It is all circled eg 'let see what X thinks' and maybe referring to my employer. She has targeted many aspects of my life in an effort to bully me to make amends with her. She is triggered once more within her own life to lash out at me again. I am not responding to her.

I just feel sick. I feel utterly utterly utterly sick tonight. It's everything. I finished work late. I walked home in the dark. A neighbours vicious dog came out to me, I went home hungry, I got quizzed about the hospital for tomorrow from my mother. She really wants me to go. I was telling her I can't. She just doesn't want to understand me and she said how about after my hair appointment and again, I just can't. I am tired and exhausted and it makes no sense getting my hair done tomorrow when if I am going to turn around run to the hospital and then sweat it up.

He's not my fucking god damn brother and I can count on one hand the amount of times I remember meeting him in my life.

She knows I am getting harassed for many years but she has no level of understanding the till it is taking on me.

In that situation, I would be there to support my mother. I mean, nobody loves hospitals 🤔

Thank you for your reply.

God, almighty. I would prefer it if my mother would away from the hospital altogether. It makes no sense going in. It's just not worth it going in and risking picking that up. He is a brother that she would only ever see once in every 10 years or more and only at funerals. They were never close.

I had norovirus a few years ago and it's fucking nasty. If I lived in a two story building, I would have jumped out a window. It was that bad. It was nasty.

It's just not worth it going into a hospital unless you really really really have to. I don't think she does.

I don't know if my local hospital has a norovirus outbreak but I suppose it's never too far away. I will Google it now.

Sorry if I’ve missed something though - I just went by the opening post.

Sorry I updated the thread with some more posts.

I don't understand why she is hellbent at getting me to go to the hospital with her. I know it's supposed to be for some support for her but there has been plenty of times where I needed support and I never got it.

If it was any other time, I might possibly be able for a visit but after the week I had, I am exhausted and sick to my core. No body understands harassment and abuse until you're in it. I am actually exhausted and the hospital will only just add to it with the heat.

Noone likes hospitals. If he's been in ICU, he is clearly very unwell, and he's her brother so it makes sense that she wants to visit. Sounds like she doesn't want to go alone, because noone likes going to hospitals so she probably wants some support. You are clearly feeling too stressed yourself at the moment to be able to support her at the moment, so just let her know that you cant do it this time. You aren't responsible for her feelings.

It looks as if my mother just doesn't want to understand me. She sees me sometimes putting in an ungodly schedule in work and I am due to enter a similar phase yet again. But this time it's on the backs of fresh harassment too that is unrelated to work. No body understands constant abuse like that and the havoc it does on you and anxiety. It's never ending.

I am just not in a good place to be going near a hospital. It really is that simple.

My mother comes from a large family and she has some siblings living in the same county. I don't get it. Why doesn't she pick up the phone and talk to them. She could organise a meet up in town if she wanted and they are all retired so they can meet any time. They can make a day of it going for lunch and tea and coffee or whatever and then go and visit their brother in hospital.

Why hammer back back to accompany her?

Where was that man/uncle when I was small? I can remember once visiting him when I was small in the late 80s. I don't remember seeing him again until a funeral in the 00s. Where was he when I was growing up? Now here I am expected to fall over myself to visit him.

If I was to get sick nobody would care. Inf act they wouldn't even wait for me to die before they start digging me a grave. I am sick but it's not obvious. I do have a different condition but it's silent and I am flaring up. No body care fucking cares about me. No one.

I think you should just tell your mum you're not going, end of.

You should tell your ex-friend that if she doesn't stop contacting you you will report her to the police for harassment.

And you should see your GP and tell them about how low you're feeling.

These three things are you putting yourself first. If you don't look out for yourself, no one else will, and that, I'm afraid, is life. Good luck 💐

You’re really venting aren’t you? Which is good but what action are you going to take? Your mum and your ex friend have unhealthy influence in your life. They will never stop doing what they are doing to you but you can remove yourself from them and focus on yourself.

You are an adult, a toxic mum will never change and as is the case with you now, will ruin your life. Harassment is a very serious issue, why are YOU letting this continue without seeking help?

Why is support one sided here? Why is it expected that I support my mother for visiting but she won't support me when I need it?

Because your later post are drip feeds of much more context than just ‘I don’t like hospitals’.

I actually agree with you. You need this time to yourself.

From her perspective, this man is (I assume) your mum’s brother and she’s come close to losing him. She wants to go and see him. She wants your support while you do that.

You’re not wrong to see this as one sided.

So it sounds like there’s much more going on than just this visit. Are you the only child / the only one local enough to go with her? Does your mum know about the bullying? Is she supportive? I suspect not.

As she can get herself there, I wouldn’t go as you have pre-arranged plans.

Another time, I would suck up my dislike of hospitals and go.

In relation to your suggestion of contacting the friend and saying that I will take action

This is a hard no from me. I did ask her to stop contacting me twice years ago but it only just fuelled her angered for about two months if a hate and harassment campaign until she burnt herself out.

I think if anyone was threatened with legal action, they would likely pay attention to it. She is someone who is crazy and she would see it as a challagne to flip the tables and let's see what the authorities think of me. Or whatever. I know her response. She is completely unreasonable and it would only just fuel her anger.

Yes, I am telling my mother that I can't go. No discussion, full stop. Can't go.

I will make an appointment with my GP.

In answer to your last question, probably for some moral support - her brother has been v unwell.

I did seek help. Many times. I was fobbed off from the authorities and solicitors and just bounced from one to another. Police saying it was a civil matter and solicitors saying it was a criminal matter.

The only really help I got to try and understand this mess was from a friend who is a medical professional and talking in a private, casual setting and not a professional setting. Explained to me that it looks like what I am dealing with is a group B personality disorder and explained that some medical professionals would never touch these types of people due to the possibilty of their livelihoods being ruined if something doesn't go the other persons way. Likely what's happening too within the matter of the law. Either that or it's too much trouble and work for them.

This is it. If it was any other time I would make the effort and go to the hospital. I just can't do it today.

I don't understand my mother. It has to be on her time and schedule and nothing else. When I don't know how I will be later on this evening and tonight. Maybe with a day off today, I might be feeling somewhat better tomorrow on Sunday. I don't know.