Help with a 'socially young' lonely child

[HelpForaSadMum]

Hi

I'm reaching out looking to hopefully find guidance as I've tried a few things but I'm feeling I'm not getting things 'right' or helping the matter.

My daughter is 10 and a half. She's at a new school (since April 2024) in year 6 (we moved countries USA to UK although we are British).

Our daughter still really enjoys imaginative play, barbies, teddies but also loves 'tween' TV shows, movies, reading, drawing, gaming, outdoor activities, swimming etc... plus she loves hanging out with other children.

If it's relative, our daughter is incredibly petite for her age group. She's a single child.

It's now apparent she comes across as a lot younger than her peers. Her peers are into skincare, make-up, more grown up teen things (including crushes etc). Most of them are still 10 or just turned 11. Our child enjoys playing with kids her age but also gets on well with younger children too but is just not into the 'older' almost teen behaviours listed above.

The main issue is her peer group don't want to play with her/have her around. Our daughter was teased by the boys in her class but the teachers addressed that and it's stopped (the boys were trying to get other kids involved in the teasing).

She had made good friends with one girl (who acts and looks a lot older) and we thought that was going in a good direction. This other child called our child a BFF and wanted our child over to play a lot. All great except our child was recently asked by this friend to not play as much anymore as 'other kids don't like our child' and this new friend wants to play with other kids as well (without our child). They've also asked for our child to not play with this friend when the friend plays sports (our daughter can't play this sport due to being v tiny).

We've tried to set up a few plays etc. with other school kids (just stuff in the park etc), where I 'casually' watched to see if our daughter is perhaps displaying behaviour that would put kids off. She's kind, allowing others to play, shares well and joins in the other person's games without trying to take over. I've also spoken to her teachers who say she's bright and seems well adjusted and can't see any behavioural issues.

I'm trying just to be light about this and not get too involved but it's a bit heartbreaking. Our daughter has said she notices body language that kids just don't want her to join in but doesn't know what she's doing wrong.

I've gently chatted to our daughter about the new 'not playing with her close friend as much) and she said she 'doesn't care' if this "BFF" who up to last week wanted her around all the time suddenly changed their mind. I think our daughter does care but is trying to put on a brave face.

I've always said it's great to have a wide friendship group so I'm also looking into non-school related activities but funds are a bit tight just now. Husband has always struggled a bit socially but we do have friends (just not in the small town we moved to (yet)). I am slowly getting to know other people.

Advice is so very welcome. Thank you.

Oh gosh that sounds very hard. And I have no advice on the school stuff I’m afraid, but would agree that looking outside of school might be a good idea.

If she likes imaginative play, is there a gaming group near you? Tabletop games or D&D type stuff? At the risk of stereotyping- older geeky kids can sometimes be more welcoming to those who want to join in.
Maybe get her name down for scouts/ guides (although there will likely be a waiting list)

Local community arts centres are worth a look too for arts and drama.

She‘ll be fine when she finds her tribe, and the Mean Girls will hopefully fade into the background in her life.

Reading your post makes my heart hurt, I've been there and it's so difficult as a parent to watch your child struggle socially.

But you've not long now until secondary, and friendship groups change a LOT between mid-year 6 and mid-year 7.

Have you tried clubs outside of school? Guides springs to mind, as they'll have children there of a similar age to your daughter but also quite a few younger girls as well. Also, I've found that girls interested in Guides aren't usually overly interested in make up so your daughter is likely to find like-minded friends there. Also, she'll probably meet year 6s from other primary schools who could end up at the same secondary to help ease that transition.

I'd be delighted she wasn't into skincare, make up and boys at 10. She's got years for all that crap.

I'd look to developing her social circle outside school and helping her push out of her comfort zone.

The cool girls at school, weren't so cool looking back. I've always admired those strong enough to follow their own path.

Do you have other kids in your area that she might like to play with? I found when my son was younger, if I set him up on the front lawn with a big box of Lego, that was like a magnet for all the kids in the neighbourhood to come and ask if they could play with it too.

Can you get her into girl guides? The age range is 10-14 but the programme is very varied so she can get accustomed to mixing with older girls without it being all boys and make up. It’s also pretty cheap. And should be kind and inclusive.

Thank you all for your kindness. I thought people might say not to get involved but it's hard when you just want a happy child. I've looked into guides/scouts and it's quite pricey but will continue to look into local groups.

I'm not going to encourage make up, crushes etc just to fit in. All in her good time.

I was going to recommend Guides too. It attracts more of a range of girls and they can be a bit sillier and less “cool” there. Ours isn’t pricy (I think about £45 a term) and they do stuff like treasure hunts, make rice crispie cakes, have debates, make face masks out of oats and stuff and once went to the different chip shops in town and compared the chips!

I’d defo get your daughter into guides and maybe something like St John’s ambulance, go on all the trips and residential and stuff, there won’t be much skin care etc involved more tree climbing, playing hide and seek and ghost stories. Guides shouldn’t be pricey, where are you looking? I run a brownies group and it’s £2.70 a week for 1.5 hours. Day camps are usually a tenner, weekend camps about £50 and they’re about 2 or 3 times a year. It’s one of the cheapest hobbies out there

I wouldn't panic, OP, she'll 'catch up' in her own good time. I have a DS who is simply (because he started school in one country and moved to another country where the school start is later) very young for his school year here. All his friends in his class are well over a year older than him, some almost a year and a half older, and that 'maturity' gap started being very evident at 11 or so. I'm just going with not panicking, and thinking it will sort itself out over time.

Our daughter is very, very similar! She has now found girl-only football and embraced it! No one there is the least bit bothered about make up, hair, clothes etc. Great for fitness and self esteem, and girls of all sizes are keeping fit and winning/losing as a team. I can honestly say that in 18 months she has gone from socially quite excluded to having had many play-date invites and at least 2 birthday party invites. My heart is happy for her. (Football is also cheap compared to other sports).

Oh goodness @HelpForaSadMum I have literally been worrying the same about my 10 year old DD this week, she is in exactly the same situation and I have the utmost empathy for you and your DD. What you've written applies almost perfectly to my DD too. She is such a lovely, kind hearted girl and friendly, funny and sweet and it's heartbreaking to think of her being on the receiving end of that shitty mean girl behaviour that we've all experienced at one time or another.

There's some really great supportive advice in this thread. I'm going to look into guides for my DD. I've also decided that I'm going to be braver in setting up social events for her to invite the people she does like to, to try and nurture those friendships on our own terms. I've also committed to making our home life very very supportive and loving and calm, so that when she comes home from a sad day at school she can totally relax and rest in our love.

I was bullied a lot at school and also had a difficult home life at times and sometimes felt I had nowhere I could feel happy or accepted / supported. I want the opposite for her.

We've also been researching "relational aggression" online together - knowledge is power and all that.

The very best to you and your DD, I hope both your girl and mine find their people soon xx

Thanks all. I looked into scouts and it was over £340 for the year plus uniform and activities. I will check if you can pay monthly. Our daughter doesn't want to go to guides for some reason but I'll look more deeply into this.

I'm not panicked or overly worrying, it's more hard in this 'moment' we're in with being shunned and excluded for having younger interests. I know she'll walk her own path and as I say, I'm not encouraging her to develop 'older/teen" likes just to fit in. It's more how to deal with the lack of social interactions and the low feelings about this. I'm sure things will work out in the future but I'm just needing advice & support on how to help in the 'now'.

I really thank you all for your kindness and advice.

Thank you. I'm so sorry you're going though similar. I wish so much positivity your way too. Thanks for your kind words.

I'll look into "relational aggression" as I've never heard of this.

Try meetup.com, local Facebook, the local paper etc to find out what's available locally.

How about football, basketball, climbing, hiking, boardgames, nature volunteering, things like that.

I’d recommend guides
you pay monthly
often you can have / buy very cheaply uniform from the unit
it’s normal to not have uniform for the first month or more while the girl is trying it out

I'm not a parent but I clearly remember my own school days. I moved quite a bit and I fit in at some schools and not at others. You said your DD has been at her school a year but many of her fellow pupils will have known each other for many years and friendship groups may already be well established. For introverted children, it can then be difficult to navigate.

I think it would be good to tackle it head on, discuss it with your child. If she says she's lonely or struggling at school, let her know that the culture at this school is not a great fit. It's not you, it's them, sort of thing. You may even consider changing school, if there's nobody she'd particularly miss where she is. Different schools really do have different cultures and levels of maturity, etc.

I think 10 year olds being into make up and crushes is just another form of play.
One of DDs friends was like this, she’s 16 and still actually seems incredibly childish despite being involved with more ‘grown up activities’ from a young age.

Id also say guides and sport, especially unusual sports like archery. My local art school has a kids club too.

This really resonates with me.

Despite being very tall, my ten year old daughter is emotionally young and doesn’t want to grow up. She still likes toys, watches Ben & Holly and wants to be ‘babied’.
I was the same!

The other girls in her class have, in the past 12 months, suddenly turned into preteens and have outgrown the interests and pastimes my daughter still enjoys.

My daughter does have skincare and make up but it’s on the side to her toys and dolls! She is aware the other children would find her babyish if they knew what she was like at home and she really doesn’t care. I’ve told her most of them are almost certainly more babyish in the comfort of their own home anyway.

The past few weeks, she has lost her best friend who decided she wanted to be in with the ‘cool gang’ instead. My daughter was not wanted in this clique. We’ve had a few tears and much worry, more mine than hers! She knows she doesn’t really ‘fit’ anywhere at the moment but is secure in her decision not to change just to be accepted by people she doesn’t much like anyway.

Sadly, I can see the situation getting worse before better, as the other kids desire to ‘grow up’ as quickly as possible is only going to gain momentum as they move into year 6.

It’s sad that children have these pressures on them isn’t it? I can’t help but feel that parents do influence this change in their child. I am aware that certain parents encourage them to discard toys in favour of more grown up pursuits and ‘trendy’ clothing etc.

Oh and of course, social media and internet access only heightens the problem!

Definitely try and expand friendships outside school and make home a nice place to be. It is sad that primary children feel such pressure to grow up. I know in my friends yr6 DDs class they are experiencing similar.

There is a group of girls (growing weekly in number) that have very much got into makeup, skincare, nails, social media, "boyfriends", crushes and fashion. The school is really trying to get on top of some of it as there were girls coming into school with laminated brows, acrilic nails (thanks to the local " beauty salon" (read money laundering front) happily doing these treatments on preteen girls) and bringing expensive skincare into school. A few of the boys have complained about been "crushes" of the girls and are embarrassed.

IME (worked in schools) you get the behavior younger when you get a cohort with a lot of older siblings due to exposure.

If it does really bother your DD, different schools do very much have different cultures and different schools deal with it differently. Our school is very much about keeping children children but I know other schools see it as a parental issue to deal with and only deal with what is interfering in school life. Secondary school is only round the corner and there is more likely a tribe for her there.

Thanks again all. We're in a rural area of Wales so no real option for other schools. These kids will all likely go to the same highshool too. I will definitely look more into local groups but do need to be careful as we don't have a lot of spare cash at our disposal at present. Our daughter is not keen on Guides but is really interested in Scouts.

I'm really grateful for everyone who took the time to respond, I feel less alone ❤️

Def non school activities

One thing that stands out for me is that she is in year six. Children in their final year of primary school are notorious for getting too big for their boots. Burgeoning hormones are also in the mix. Added to this, your daughter will be one of the youngest in the class. In September they will be off to secondary school and will be the youngest and smallest in the school. All of a sudden, they are not so grown up after all and often become more childlike again as a result. It will be a good opportunity for your daughter to make friends as they will be arriving from lots of different schools and will not know most of the other children in their year. In the meantime, I agree with all the previous comments about the uniformed troops. The costs can be spread out. Otherwise, does she have any particular interests where she could meet up with others?

These are good points. We had hoped going to a small school would make the transition easier to the highschool as she would know / be friends with many children but this isn't always just an easy trip as we've come to find out.

She likes the outdoors, gaming, reading, playing 'imaginative' games, swimming and water activities. I'm definitely thinking Scouts is the way forward plus seeing if there are water sports activities groups around.

Thank you

Can’t believe scouts is so expensive where you are. Here it’s £16 a month. I agree with getting her in to something. I have a ‘young’ 11 year old and it’s hard watching her try to fit in

I'm waiting to hear back from the Scouts near us but I found figures on here https://www.scouts.org.uk/information-for-parents/uniform-and-costs/