Help with a 'socially young' lonely child

[HelpForaSadMum]

Hi

I'm reaching out looking to hopefully find guidance as I've tried a few things but I'm feeling I'm not getting things 'right' or helping the matter.

My daughter is 10 and a half. She's at a new school (since April 2024) in year 6 (we moved countries USA to UK although we are British).

Our daughter still really enjoys imaginative play, barbies, teddies but also loves 'tween' TV shows, movies, reading, drawing, gaming, outdoor activities, swimming etc... plus she loves hanging out with other children.

If it's relative, our daughter is incredibly petite for her age group. She's a single child.

It's now apparent she comes across as a lot younger than her peers. Her peers are into skincare, make-up, more grown up teen things (including crushes etc). Most of them are still 10 or just turned 11. Our child enjoys playing with kids her age but also gets on well with younger children too but is just not into the 'older' almost teen behaviours listed above.

The main issue is her peer group don't want to play with her/have her around. Our daughter was teased by the boys in her class but the teachers addressed that and it's stopped (the boys were trying to get other kids involved in the teasing).

She had made good friends with one girl (who acts and looks a lot older) and we thought that was going in a good direction. This other child called our child a BFF and wanted our child over to play a lot. All great except our child was recently asked by this friend to not play as much anymore as 'other kids don't like our child' and this new friend wants to play with other kids as well (without our child). They've also asked for our child to not play with this friend when the friend plays sports (our daughter can't play this sport due to being v tiny).

We've tried to set up a few plays etc. with other school kids (just stuff in the park etc), where I 'casually' watched to see if our daughter is perhaps displaying behaviour that would put kids off. She's kind, allowing others to play, shares well and joins in the other person's games without trying to take over. I've also spoken to her teachers who say she's bright and seems well adjusted and can't see any behavioural issues.

I'm trying just to be light about this and not get too involved but it's a bit heartbreaking. Our daughter has said she notices body language that kids just don't want her to join in but doesn't know what she's doing wrong.

I've gently chatted to our daughter about the new 'not playing with her close friend as much) and she said she 'doesn't care' if this "BFF" who up to last week wanted her around all the time suddenly changed their mind. I think our daughter does care but is trying to put on a brave face.

I've always said it's great to have a wide friendship group so I'm also looking into non-school related activities but funds are a bit tight just now. Husband has always struggled a bit socially but we do have friends (just not in the small town we moved to (yet)). I am slowly getting to know other people.

Advice is so very welcome. Thank you.

Are you sure lots of parties are happening ? They don't seem to be as much of a thing round here since the pandemic. Also, people are sometimes more comfortable inviting the children whose parents they know, it can just be easier to arrange. But that all changes at secondary school

I could’ve written this about mine who is the same age. All of it except the USA bit. Mine has diagnosed ASD and is about 2 years behind socially. Still loves Barbies and teddies but her peers are so much more grown up and don’t want to know her, it breaks my heart.
I’ve spoken to the school and they’ve done everything they can to try and help (they really have, including full-class chats about including other kids, not judging others and about Autism) but ultimately nobody can force the other kids to like a child they don’t want to. I’m at a total loss.

There’s quite a lot of judgement and snobbery on this thread. 11 year old girls liking skin care and makeup is just another way of playing really. Cuddly toys, cosy colouring are also quite ‘in’. If she wants friends she might need to compromise a little and if on some level she detects your disapproval of those things or if your DD seems to be judging them it could make it harder.

Yes, I know because the one friend she had goes to most of them.

I can't see where I've shown snobbery nor judgement and I'm not sure why its come across I disapprove of what other children are doing. Just stated the truth of the situation we're in. I'm just a sad mum trying to help my lonely child. I'm not going to ask her to change or get into things to fit in, simply looking for guidance on how we navigate this.

My eldest was like yours. I found things improved hugely at secondary school. (The local comprehensive) At primary school the mean kids seemed to dominate, but at secondary she was able to find plenty of kids like her. They probably had all been low in the pecking order at primary.
What was nice was that they went all through secondary without the dramas the mean kids were getting involved in. The mean kids didn't bother the geeky kids as they were too busy having dramas with other mean kids.

Actually @Hotdayinjuly makes quite a good point somewhat. Jellycat, crochet, knitting, colouring with very expensive pens, baking and putting it on tik tok, and drawing anime are all quite trendy round here with the tween/teen crowd. There’s a bit of a ‘cottagecore’ gang at the high school I work at and they most definitely are quirky gals but they are a good solid group of friends. Could you see if she could join an art or craft class/club, or get into something like indoor climbing or a similar niche activity like trampoline or archery. Kids at those tend to be a bit more on the ‘free spirit’ side and might be on your DD’s wavelength

Also amateur dramatics, the ‘panto in a church hall’ kind, tend to be amazing for kids like your dd

Dd was a ' young' 10 year old despite being the eldest in her year. She started seniors last year and has really ' grown up' her Xmas list was all make up etc but also crafting items. She's got a new group of friends. This was hard to establish at first with some bitchiness between a few of them but it seems to have settled and all found their feet and own friend groups.
Although she's more into make up, fashion and gaming now. She will still play with the siblings ' younger ' things

I’d definitely get in touch with your local Scouts group. If money is tight at the moment ask about financial assistance- our local group always talks about “no scout left behind” and there is help for people who can’t afford subs, camping trips etc. But it’s genuinely one of the best value activities going and tend to attract a more diverse range of kids.

Scouts/girlguiding is great. Also, I had a similar child. Totally found their tribe straight away at secondary. It was hard seeing them almost get left behind by peers during the last couple of years of primary.. but on the flip side their childhood is so precious. Kids trying to talk about skincare and make up and boys at 10 😩🤯 Hang in there.

Thank you all. It's been an up and down week but I'm feeling a bit more positive and energised to keep searching to find clubs etc. We live in a reasonably rural location so there's not a huge amount about but I'm really going to research as much as I can. Thank you all 😊

Would your dd consider something like young farmers even ? Absolute great fun if they get into it with the shows etc

Does the Urdd do anything around your area? Might be worth looking into that too.

How is your daughter doing, OP? Has she just gone into Y7?