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Original poster

Help with a 'socially young' lonely child

65 replies

HelpForaSadMum · 04/04/2025 15:01

Hi

I'm reaching out looking to hopefully find guidance as I've tried a few things but I'm feeling I'm not getting things 'right' or helping the matter.

My daughter is 10 and a half. She's at a new school (since April 2024) in year 6 (we moved countries USA to UK although we are British).

Our daughter still really enjoys imaginative play, barbies, teddies but also loves 'tween' TV shows, movies, reading, drawing, gaming, outdoor activities, swimming etc... plus she loves hanging out with other children.

If it's relative, our daughter is incredibly petite for her age group. She's a single child.

It's now apparent she comes across as a lot younger than her peers. Her peers are into skincare, make-up, more grown up teen things (including crushes etc). Most of them are still 10 or just turned 11. Our child enjoys playing with kids her age but also gets on well with younger children too but is just not into the 'older' almost teen behaviours listed above.

The main issue is her peer group don't want to play with her/have her around. Our daughter was teased by the boys in her class but the teachers addressed that and it's stopped (the boys were trying to get other kids involved in the teasing).

She had made good friends with one girl (who acts and looks a lot older) and we thought that was going in a good direction. This other child called our child a BFF and wanted our child over to play a lot. All great except our child was recently asked by this friend to not play as much anymore as 'other kids don't like our child' and this new friend wants to play with other kids as well (without our child). They've also asked for our child to not play with this friend when the friend plays sports (our daughter can't play this sport due to being v tiny).

We've tried to set up a few plays etc. with other school kids (just stuff in the park etc), where I 'casually' watched to see if our daughter is perhaps displaying behaviour that would put kids off. She's kind, allowing others to play, shares well and joins in the other person's games without trying to take over. I've also spoken to her teachers who say she's bright and seems well adjusted and can't see any behavioural issues.

I'm trying just to be light about this and not get too involved but it's a bit heartbreaking. Our daughter has said she notices body language that kids just don't want her to join in but doesn't know what she's doing wrong.

I've gently chatted to our daughter about the new 'not playing with her close friend as much) and she said she 'doesn't care' if this "BFF" who up to last week wanted her around all the time suddenly changed their mind. I think our daughter does care but is trying to put on a brave face.

I've always said it's great to have a wide friendship group so I'm also looking into non-school related activities but funds are a bit tight just now. Husband has always struggled a bit socially but we do have friends (just not in the small town we moved to (yet)). I am slowly getting to know other people.

Advice is so very welcome. Thank you.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 04/04/2025 21:04

HelpForaSadMum · 04/04/2025 21:01

I'm waiting to hear back from the Scouts near us but I found figures on here https://www.scouts.org.uk/information-for-parents/uniform-and-costs/

Show quote history

They have grants and help for low income. Scouting and guiding don’t want children excluded because of costs

Tbrh · 04/04/2025 21:07

I wouldn't worry too much, it's the other kids who sound concerning if 10 year olds are into skincare and make up. I'd keep encouraging play dates, but also how about joining some other activties where she can meet other children. Does she feel sad about it ot is she happy in her own company? Are there any lunchtime activities she can join at school?

Mochynpinc · 04/04/2025 21:11

Oh it’s so sad. My daughter is 9 and already so many of her friends are into skin care and they’re year 4!

does your daughter like drama? Mine does drama and I feel she can be herself more in drama- the children seem to be more accepting. If your child wanted to take up acting too, being tiny is a huuuge advantage!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

10 year olds Families Primary education
deeplybaffled · 04/04/2025 21:14

FWIW, I know it says that costs can vary for scouts etc, but my experience with both guiding and scouting is that they require a modest monthly payment. I’d be guessing that the higher figures are in more affluent areas, perhaps the south east?
Fingers crossed you are pleasantly surprised by the costs for your unit!

Smartiepants79 · 04/04/2025 21:14

I would say that the timing of her move is quite a tricky one for new girls coming into established friendships. At year 5 these other girls will have probably known each other for many years, gone through school
and extracurricular clubs together. The groups will be pretty well established. Breaking in at this stage can be hard.
I agree with looking for a guiding unit and perhaps something else as well. The I would start to get her ready for secondary. The chances of new friends should be greater there. All new kids in together.

Smartiepants79 · 04/04/2025 21:15

Our guides costs £45 a term. Plus a one off £40 subs payment. So £175 for the year

Annascaul · 04/04/2025 21:18

No advice, but she sounds exactly how a typical 10 year old should be.
It’s very depressing that she’s “behind” the other 10 year old’s precocious behaviour.

Original poster
HelpForaSadMum · 04/04/2025 21:19

Smartiepants79 · 04/04/2025 21:14

I would say that the timing of her move is quite a tricky one for new girls coming into established friendships. At year 5 these other girls will have probably known each other for many years, gone through school
and extracurricular clubs together. The groups will be pretty well established. Breaking in at this stage can be hard.
I agree with looking for a guiding unit and perhaps something else as well. The I would start to get her ready for secondary. The chances of new friends should be greater there. All new kids in together.

You're so right. 95% have known each other since about the age of six. My daughter had been in the school for almost a year now so I'd hoped she had made friendships, well, she had, one, but that seems to have almost disappeared now.

I'm hoping outside activities will really help and I'm on the case to really investigate as much as can now.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpForaSadMum · 04/04/2025 21:20

Annascaul · 04/04/2025 21:18

No advice, but she sounds exactly how a typical 10 year old should be.
It’s very depressing that she’s “behind” the other 10 year old’s precocious behaviour.

It does feel a bit like that but I know things are different these days with kids growing up so fast.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpForaSadMum · 04/04/2025 21:21

Smartiepants79 · 04/04/2025 21:15

Our guides costs £45 a term. Plus a one off £40 subs payment. So £175 for the year

I can only go from the informationon the Scout website I found but I'm hoping it's not as expensive as it states.

OP posts:
Arran2024 · 04/04/2025 21:21

Does she want friends? I could not cope with groups of girls. 1 on 1 was all I could manage and I found Guides (yes, my mother sent me) really stressful.

Girls friendships are incredibly complex. In my experience, and with my two daughters, girls tend to have a best friend and then the pairs join up into bigger groups. It is really difficult to run solo in these groups.

Then there are the unwritten rules, the concessions you have to make to be part of the group....

Some girls can't or won't do it and imo it's not something you can push - you just provide more chances for failure sadly.

But many of these girls don't want the friendships. They are quite happy. And they probably will make friends.

Asd is underdiagnosed in girls and there are initiatives to offer socially isolated girls friendship opportunities, like asd girl clubs. And often they just involve girls sent by worried parents sitting on their own, not interacting!

I am not suggesting your daughter is asd, but I'm making a bigger point about opportunity not necessarily being the barrier.

I would suggest you find her activities she enjoys, like horse riding, and leave her be.

Original poster
HelpForaSadMum · 04/04/2025 21:25

Arran2024 · 04/04/2025 21:21

Does she want friends? I could not cope with groups of girls. 1 on 1 was all I could manage and I found Guides (yes, my mother sent me) really stressful.

Girls friendships are incredibly complex. In my experience, and with my two daughters, girls tend to have a best friend and then the pairs join up into bigger groups. It is really difficult to run solo in these groups.

Then there are the unwritten rules, the concessions you have to make to be part of the group....

Some girls can't or won't do it and imo it's not something you can push - you just provide more chances for failure sadly.

But many of these girls don't want the friendships. They are quite happy. And they probably will make friends.

Asd is underdiagnosed in girls and there are initiatives to offer socially isolated girls friendship opportunities, like asd girl clubs. And often they just involve girls sent by worried parents sitting on their own, not interacting!

I am not suggesting your daughter is asd, but I'm making a bigger point about opportunity not necessarily being the barrier.

I would suggest you find her activities she enjoys, like horse riding, and leave her be.

She does want friends. Yes. She says she doesn't know what she's doing wrong. I don't know either, except she is not acting 'as grown up' as her peer group.

OP posts:
AndCallMeNancy · 04/04/2025 21:35

Your daughter sounds wonderful. She is being true to herself and learning some valuable life lessons, even though it’s tough for her and heart breaking for you.

My DD is almost 11 and loves her teddies, crafts, making dens, drawing, telly, family time. Half her bedroom floor is taken up by a ginormous Barbie dream house which she only bought last year! She is in no rush to grow up (although would love a phone, obvs!)

We too moved area and school in Y5 and it has been really bloody hard. Sadly there was a ‘ cool mean girl’ dynamic in her class too and she in no way made the grade or fitted in with them. She has eventually found some friends who are like minded girls who still want to be kids, and just like playing and having fun. The teachers eventually came up trumps at match making and setting her up with kids who they knew she’d click with. It’s been a huge relief but we had over 12 months of her feeling rubbish, miserable and left out before that happened. So I really feel for you. She sounds absolutely great and I really hope she does find her tribe away from these jerks and starts to feel happier.

Maybe when it’s closer to transition to secondary school time you could speak to the new school about these difficulties and ask for help. Eg they could look to put her in a form group with some other girls who might be similar type of children.

Good luck OP.

LadyQuackBeth · 04/04/2025 21:40

She likes being outside, it's a really good age to get into sports clubs and teams, to show her all the different ways girls can be. Each year group in a school has different trends, your DDs peers are not necessarily representative of girls that age, it only feels that way because her world is smaller.

My DD is 13 and I'm pretty sure she will never be into skincare or care about her phone and is unlikely to fit in perfectly at school. She fits in perfectly at her running club and football team. Your school identity makes up less of who you are if you give it more context. Because DD is happy in her own skin she's actually well liked at school.

So cast about, find a tribe, you'll see her shine.

Eyerollexpert · 04/04/2025 21:49

My DD had nice set of friends at village Primary but moving to Secondary was difficult, one of her friends moved into the popular girls set almost immediately. My DD decided she was going to create her own "misfits " set.(her words) and gathered all girls who were more like her, geeky, "nice " "well behaved " " no bf , make up etc"
She then had a lovely mix someone to be arty with, bookish, still wanted to go to watch kids films things that younger ones wanted to do.
Just saying that new school in September might shake things up and hopefully your 10 year old will be happier and more settled when there are more girls to choose from.

Stegochops · 04/04/2025 21:50

Why are young children into skincare these days? It’s so boring! At least makeup is more fun, I can’t see the appeal of skincare. My neighbour is in y7 and she complained of the same. She is sporty and hangs out with boys a bit too. I hope your daughter finds her tribe.

100PercentFaithful · 04/04/2025 21:56

Church groups are good (find a local vibrant one with a dedicated youth worker). You don’t have to be religious.

Original poster
HelpForaSadMum · 04/04/2025 22:37

AndCallMeNancy · 04/04/2025 21:35

Your daughter sounds wonderful. She is being true to herself and learning some valuable life lessons, even though it’s tough for her and heart breaking for you.

My DD is almost 11 and loves her teddies, crafts, making dens, drawing, telly, family time. Half her bedroom floor is taken up by a ginormous Barbie dream house which she only bought last year! She is in no rush to grow up (although would love a phone, obvs!)

We too moved area and school in Y5 and it has been really bloody hard. Sadly there was a ‘ cool mean girl’ dynamic in her class too and she in no way made the grade or fitted in with them. She has eventually found some friends who are like minded girls who still want to be kids, and just like playing and having fun. The teachers eventually came up trumps at match making and setting her up with kids who they knew she’d click with. It’s been a huge relief but we had over 12 months of her feeling rubbish, miserable and left out before that happened. So I really feel for you. She sounds absolutely great and I really hope she does find her tribe away from these jerks and starts to feel happier.

Maybe when it’s closer to transition to secondary school time you could speak to the new school about these difficulties and ask for help. Eg they could look to put her in a form group with some other girls who might be similar type of children.

Good luck OP.

Thank you so much for these uplifting words. I'm so happy things worked out. You've pretty much described my daughter! I really hope we are on a positive path too and thanks for your advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpForaSadMum · 04/04/2025 22:40

Thank you so much everyone. I feel a lot better and brighter about things and will get onto researching. Had a big (secret) cry today but feeling more optimistic already. Lovely to know strangers care enough to give great advice.

OP posts:
LancashireSquirrel · 04/04/2025 22:56

My DD sounds just like yours, OP. She's nearly 10, and still plays all day with her younger sister, loves toys, games, bubbles, bluey, you name it! She's in NO rush to grow up.

Like you say, this puts her out of the 'loop' at school and has struggled to find her tribe. But she's happy and I'm proud that she's happy and secure with who she is and doesn't follow a crowd. I will continue to encourage her to play with what/whom she wants to.

My DD also goes to Brownies and I feel it's a nice thing to have social activities outside of school.

Good luck, OP.

Original poster
HelpForaSadMum · 04/04/2025 23:08

LancashireSquirrel · 04/04/2025 22:56

My DD sounds just like yours, OP. She's nearly 10, and still plays all day with her younger sister, loves toys, games, bubbles, bluey, you name it! She's in NO rush to grow up.

Like you say, this puts her out of the 'loop' at school and has struggled to find her tribe. But she's happy and I'm proud that she's happy and secure with who she is and doesn't follow a crowd. I will continue to encourage her to play with what/whom she wants to.

My DD also goes to Brownies and I feel it's a nice thing to have social activities outside of school.

Good luck, OP.

Ah yes, Bluey! Another 'like' I had forgotten 😁 may I ask, does your daughter have friends to play with?

OP posts:
LancashireSquirrel · 04/04/2025 23:37

She does, she has one friend out of school with whom she regularly meets with. This friend is male, so she gets to play dungeons and dragons and all sorts! At school she dips in and out, she tends to play with her sister and friends as she says the girls in her class don't play, they just walk around and sit, and my DD doesn't want to do that! I've tried encouraging her to but she knows her own mind.

Original poster
HelpForaSadMum · 04/04/2025 23:43

LancashireSquirrel · 04/04/2025 23:37

She does, she has one friend out of school with whom she regularly meets with. This friend is male, so she gets to play dungeons and dragons and all sorts! At school she dips in and out, she tends to play with her sister and friends as she says the girls in her class don't play, they just walk around and sit, and my DD doesn't want to do that! I've tried encouraging her to but she knows her own mind.

I love that she does her own thing, how wonderful. Lovely she plays with her sister too. I do wish our daughter had a sibling but unfortunately not to be.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpForaSadMum · 04/04/2025 23:46

I'm so pleased to see I'm (we're) not alone. No birthday party invites either (even though she invited 8 girls to a brilliant fun party and activity I arranged). I know invites are not like for like but I had hoped at least one parent might’ve thought it would be nice to reciprocate. Not to worry.

OP posts:
mydogfarts · 04/04/2025 23:54

I was tiny for my age and young for my age, but at secondary school I found my crowd.

I know money is tight but lots of new /different experiences definitely helped me during the teen years. Exposure to different people and adventures made me feel less "young" and more comfortable in my own skin

Also, DD is a "chats about makeup" girl at school (also year 6, but she has a teen sister) but in reality at home she plays with lego, cuddles teddies, likes to sit on my knee and have a story read to her and do colouring in, and loves playing with her little brothers Duplo! So underneath the apparently sophisticated chat I can guarantee they are little girls really. The only make up she actually owns is a range of lip glosses, but they helped her feel like she fits in (and she saved up for them)