When to stop giving presents to friends children?

[Ruffledduck]

I don't have children myself. But late in life (so the news says) two friends had children in the same year.
I was delighted for them both, of course, and flurried them with presents. At the beginning,I thought no farther ahead than their first birthday.

To cut an awkward story short, over the years, I ended up being provided with lists of what I could buy. With both having large families, I accepted it made sense.No point in duplicating toys or books.

But as they have grown, so has their interests and expenses to do with their respective hobbies. Like Topsy, it grew and grew.

They are both now just over 18. I've never met them (other than when babies) due to our workloads and various other reasons. I have provided what has been asked for in terms of Christmas, birthdays and Easter.

It's got more and more expensive as time has gone on and I had to go part time due to serious health reasons. It made huge impact financially but the present lists remained on an upwards spiral.That was disappointing but I accepted it. I had thought they would trim the cost of their lists voluntarily.

Am I wrong in thinking this is year to bite the bullet and stop the presents? Or should I wait for them going away to university and using that as the tail off point? Or should I bear it until 21?

I would still send cards. But I need an idea if is 18 feasible or should I hold out until they reach 21?
Any ideas and help would be appreciated.

It sounds minor but after 18 years, it most certainly isn't. I don't want to upset my friends, their children or cause unnecessary angst when there's a way to overcome that. I just don't know how best to deal with it all. Both friends will feel slighted when I raise it. So I need to be careful. Both friends want as much as possible for their boys. I tried 'no presents' at all a few years ago. You would have thought I had suggested something outrageous.

I'm genuinely at a loss.

Help!

Thank you everyone for your unanimous advice. You have all said what my husband has been saying for years.
Time to pull my big girl pants up and be firm.
You have all helped so much. Yes, they are greedy and grasping. And I cave in, because I'm used to doing that with my own family.
Time to put my finances first.

Thanks again.

OP, you've been more than generous, without even a thank you in return, for nearly two decades.
And the presents they've "requested" aren't cheap.
I can guarantee your friends aren't doing the same for children of their other friends into adulthood and beyond.
They're taking advantage of your generosity.

Also, you don't need to do a big declaration. Just stop doing it.

If they are rude enough to ask about it, well then that's on them. Crazy entitlement!

This thread has made me sad for you @Ruffledduck
How awful to be buying presents for children you haven't seen for what 17 years? That is one hell of a time.

It makes me skin crawl a bit at the unpleasantness of parents who would think this is ok - and to be sending lists! I get it when they are very little and want toys and things - no sense in duplicating and you want to celebrate a new baby - but it would normally only continue if you 'knew' them and were interacting with them.

This is very nasty taste in the mouth stuff.

Wtf

How much of a pushover are you

Just stop

I agree with other posters you have been very generous over the years.

My friends and I stop buying gifts at 18 (although they did get something on their 21st birthday) and these are children/adults I saw (and still see) at least one a month.

You should have stopped a long time ago.
I can’t believe they are providing you with lists to gift to their kids who you haven’t seen since they were babies and now adults.
Insane.

& I agree totally with the 'just stop' advice. I wouldn't wait until they are 18 if that means more years of giving that you can't afford and ingratitude. Stop now.

You don't need to make an announcement at all. If you want to send a card but just ignore the present lists.

It is a bit weird to make a big annoucement anyway because no one has a right to expect a present from someone they haven't spoken to for 17 years.

I doubt you will get asked about it (it would take some major hide to ask ) but if you do I would either ignore it (if it's an email or text) or if it's said to your face, just gloss over it quickly with a laugh and say I think they re a bit old for presents now and move on to the next subject.

Think of it this way - imaging one of these kids at home with your card up on the mantle piece & one of their mates picks up the card and says to them "Who's @Ruffledduck ?". What would you expect their answer to be?

My guess is that it would be some grunt with a 'no idea, just some old friend of my mothers who randomly sends us gifts. never met her. no idea why she does it really. I don't know her and I don't care.'

It reminds of a thread on here a few years ago when someone who was really involved in her friends children's lives when they were growing up (visiting, presents, attending birthday parties) and really did care about them and wasn't invited to their wedding. This poster was upset which I think was fair enough but there were a lot of posters saying quite brutal stuff (About very involved friends of the parents) along the lines of 'parents friends not mine, I don't give a flying f'.
If the ingrates say that about people they've known - really known - their whole lives until they went to university, what on earth do you think this kids would say about you?

You are wasting your time and your money. It's very nasty stuff from these families and you should stop it. It's worse because of what you say about your own financial situation.

I want to give you a hug and take you out for a glass of wine - or something to show you that spending time,money and mental energy is always better directed to people who are interested in you and care.

Tbh, I expected them to draw a line themselves at some point. I also expected them to take into account my change in circumstances. But they didn't. Got my list as usual and same price range.
I did think then, Are these really friends?
I'm a muppet.

You aren't a muppet. You were trying to be kind and nice and gift giving is a lovely thing. They are the shits in this situation.

It is true that you should have stopped before now but you can stop this minute without any big annoucement and put it behind you. these are ill mannered parents, rude children and all round not friends of yours.

Am I reading this right that you’ve not seen these 18 year olds since they were babies but every year your friend sends you a LIST of what to buy them?!?!?!

Im actually shocked. That’s such cheeky fuckery of your friend but also can’t believe you’ve been doing it all these time without ever seeing the kids/spending time with them. I’d think a list was cheeky even if you saw them regularly! Absolutely say that now they’re 18 this ends.

,'"Both friends want as much as possible for their boys ""
I bet they do..

Im actually shocked. That’s such cheeky fuckery of your friend but also can’t believe you’ve been doing it all these time without ever seeing the kids/spending time with them. I’d think a list was cheeky even if you saw them regularly! Absolutely say that now they’re 18 this end

@CandyCane457 I couldn't agree more.

This thread has really got to me. I don't know why - I'm bereaved not that long ago so probably more emotional than normal - but it makes me so so sad. I suppose maybe I'm thinking of the death of the parents and how the children might regret not having more contact with their parents friends.

Or just how horribly sad it is that lovely kind @Ruffledduck has been doing this for so long and yet says
"I used to get a thank you card but not these last 2 years. Not since I mentioned stopping presents, now I think of it."

It's actually heartbreaking. It's worse because I bet the children really don't care (not their fault if they don't know someone). The parents have the responsiblity for ensuring gratitude, appreciation and thanks - and for the awful behaviour of sending lists and being huffy about mention of stopping gifts.

Thanks for being so supportive , especially @WhyDidIDiddle .Your scenario was spot on. I had very similar reply in my head before I even read your take on it.
Couldn't help but laugh at how close we both were.

I'm relieved it's mostly them and not completely all me.

@WhyDidIDiddle , I'm sorry you are grieving. Hugs.
I'm a good listener, if you ever need one.

thank you Ruffleduck. If you want cheering up have a look at my thread about giving yourself gifts! It's the exact opposite of your problem. There are some very nice stories on there especially edwinbear with the cutlery.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5305170-talk-to-me-if-you-stupidly-bought-something-pspsps-you-couldnt-really-afford?

This.

They are CFs.

With my friends' children, I stopped at 18. At that age I gave each of them a 3 figure budget and asked them to choose something "significant" (a watch, jewellery or a laptop were the eventual choices).

While they were students, they also still got a coffee shop or restaurant voucher for Xmas.

Then they got a final (surprise) present at 21.

And that's it..... except now we're starting with the weddings!

To be fair, there were only 4 of them (3 in the same family), and they have always kept in touch and said thank you. I saw them, and looked after them, several times a year and their parents are still my close friends.
With other friends children, I probably stopped at an earlier age, maybe between 11 and 15.

You sound incredibly generous and thoughtful.

If you were my friend, I wouldn’t mind at all. 18 is a great stopping point, I’ve agreed that with friends we have mutual Godchildren with. I’ll also be stopping buying for all children I buy for then. I will still buy gifts for their graduation/wedding etc.

We stopped for our oldest niece at 21 and will follow suit with our others. My DH and his 2 brothers all agreed this was a good idea. We certainly wouldn’t mind.

I also hope you’ve had thank yous for all you have given.

I’d send a family Christmas present to approximately the same value as their present to you… probably a board game or chocolate/ alcohol.
For birthdays, just nothing for the kid-adults, but something nice for the actual friend. And then maybe something amusing in the chocolate line for Easter to show you still think of them - I mean something costing a couple quid.
I don’t buy presents any more for any friends kids. Even family children ( except my own) only get presents if we are going to their party.