When to stop giving presents to friends children?

[Ruffledduck]

I don't have children myself. But late in life (so the news says) two friends had children in the same year.
I was delighted for them both, of course, and flurried them with presents. At the beginning,I thought no farther ahead than their first birthday.

To cut an awkward story short, over the years, I ended up being provided with lists of what I could buy. With both having large families, I accepted it made sense.No point in duplicating toys or books.

But as they have grown, so has their interests and expenses to do with their respective hobbies. Like Topsy, it grew and grew.

They are both now just over 18. I've never met them (other than when babies) due to our workloads and various other reasons. I have provided what has been asked for in terms of Christmas, birthdays and Easter.

It's got more and more expensive as time has gone on and I had to go part time due to serious health reasons. It made huge impact financially but the present lists remained on an upwards spiral.That was disappointing but I accepted it. I had thought they would trim the cost of their lists voluntarily.

Am I wrong in thinking this is year to bite the bullet and stop the presents? Or should I wait for them going away to university and using that as the tail off point? Or should I bear it until 21?

I would still send cards. But I need an idea if is 18 feasible or should I hold out until they reach 21?
Any ideas and help would be appreciated.

It sounds minor but after 18 years, it most certainly isn't. I don't want to upset my friends, their children or cause unnecessary angst when there's a way to overcome that. I just don't know how best to deal with it all. Both friends will feel slighted when I raise it. So I need to be careful. Both friends want as much as possible for their boys. I tried 'no presents' at all a few years ago. You would have thought I had suggested something outrageous.

I'm genuinely at a loss.

Help!

OP, when was the last time you actually saw these friends ie the parents?

I stop at 21 but these are people I’m close to and see! You’ve never met them.

Your ‘friends’ are very grabby.

They're 18, stop now.

That is so rude of your friends! Nx birthday I would get them a bottle of beer in a gift bag with a card so spend no more than a fiver.Thry are adults and this shouldn’t have gone on for so long. Me and my sister stopped buying each other kids presents at Xmas a few years ago to meet up and do something together instead but you don’t even see them

I've never been into buying friend's kids presents. A relatively new friend started giving my kids gifts for birthdays but I quickly shut it down because we both have 4 kids each and it's just too much. I think you need to just stop without saying anything or making a thing of it. If they're fuming over it, that's on them. Once you miss one birthday gift they won't come to expect it anymore and they'll get over it.

I stopped at 18, as I did with nieces and nephews.

I think this is incredibly cheeks especially as you don't even know the kids (adults now)!
I have several friends who bought For my kids when they were little (toddlers), then stopped.
My children are now 12 and 14 and I have two friends who still buy for them. They spend about £15 each which I think is very generous. I would dream of giving a list unless they asked and I'd only put cheap items on!

Definitely time to stop. Most people stop at 18, even for nephews and nieces, and friends children they know well. Perhaps something for 21 to mark the occasion, but that might depend on how things go when you stop the usual presents.
You have been more than generous, and anyone who thinks otherwise is very grabby indeed.

I would have stopped long ago. I also wouldn’t provide lists or expect friends to buy my kids/me presents.

As others have said, it is not rude to stop buying at the age they are, but most definitely not rude when you don’t see these ‘children’

I’d just send a card from now on. Don’t think you even need to mention it tbh, you’d only mention it if they were buying gifts for your children too.
If they message you (which would be incredibly rude) to ask why no gift, then say ‘we always stop buying for children at 18 in our family, hope they had a good birthday’

Same as PP my own aunties stopped buying for my daughters at 18 (and even before then it was a token gift and definitely nothing at Easter - ever)

It’s definitely time to stop, it should have been years ago.

Please don’t feel bad, you’ve done more than enough. Way more

I usually spent around £20-£30 per child for friends’ kids. However there’s only a few of them! And there’s no expectation, that’s what I choose to spend, no request list.
18 seems a good age to end it. The requests seem cheeky but then perhaps they think you like buying gifts and it helps to give a suggestion? Totally fine to say they’ve graduated it now!

Just stop! I find it utterly bizarre that you've been buying gifts for children you don't have any relationship with, three times a year, for the last 18 years. It seems your 'friends' have taken advantage of your kind and generous nature. But you have gone well beyond what is usual and to your own financial detriment. Please stop immediately, this is not a reasonable expectation.

You’ve been buying expensive gifts for people you’ve never met…!? Sorry to be harsh but this is insane and you only have your self to blame there if you’re in financial difficulties yet buying multiple people expensive gifts. They’re taking you for a mug there…you need to just ignore the requests.

I stopped presents to my nieces and nephews at 18, so I think you’re well within your rights to stop. It all sounds so grabby! True friends will understand, I wouldn’t want a friend to give my kids gifts unhappily.

My friends are all reasonable and sensible and we discussed this ... And agreed to stop at 18 with a note to the new adult "now you are an adult you will simply get a lottery ticket from me each birthday and Christmas and the hopes you win enough to buy us both a drink"!

My mother didn’t even spend this much on me as a child and has been giving me her unwanted gifts since I was old enough to be given her unwanted gifts. Your friends should just be literally grateful to have someone as nice as you in their lives. You don’t owe them anything.

Stop, obviously. I think if you've mentioned stopping before then you don't need to mention it again. If a present request list arrives say that you are stopping presents for the children now they are 18.
If your friends push for reasons you would be delighted to get to know child but they are an adult now and you don't have a friendship with them.

I worked out recently that I was spending about a grand a year on my friends’ children for birthdays, Christmas, Channukah etc. Not only is it expensive, it’s such a ballache to remember all the dates, choose something, and get it sent out.

I now have the rule that I will give for a new baby and a first birthday, but then that’s that. Current children receiving gifts will stop at the end of primary. If they’re already in secondary then it’s 16. It’s ridiculous and just adding to landfill and greed, frankly.

Stop now. Ignore requests. No explanations needed. They are just about to be legally adults.

You really aren’t “friends” if you haven’t seen these 18 year old adults since they were babies.

stop buying the bloody presents.

And I’d guess the OP hasnt seen the parents either!

Why don’t you phase it out, when presented with the list say now their older I’ll do cash (perhaps get in before they ask) then do this year £10 which should stop the requests going forward. Then phase it to cards , seems a smoother way for you to do it x

They are incredibly cheeky. You haven't even seen the children! How dare they just present you with a list of presents? I would stop right this minute. Honestly you have been taken for a fool and you need to stop.

I don't want to upset my friends, their children or cause unnecessary angst when there's a way to overcome that.

Given your friends' "sensitivity", entitlement and greed, I'm not sure there is a way to avoid upset.

Have the children themselves really not thanked you themselves as they've got old enough? Not even a text?

I can't imagine what these friendships are like?

@Ruffledduck you're spending more than I do on my own nephews.

If you are feeling obligated to continue to send gifts to adults you don't even know because you fear how the parents, your so called friends, react then I think you need to have a look at this in your life. You're being emotionally blackmailed. It's not healthy. It is coming at a cost to your wellbeing as well as the financial cost.

Proper friends don't expect gifts, or dictate the value or make friends feel bad if they can't afford it or forget or whatever.