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Original poster

DD’s dad asking for a DNA test - how to explain this to Dd without lasting damage?

61 replies

Cadela · 02/04/2025 18:19

For context - Dd has not seen her dad for 4 years after abuse from her step mum came to light when she was staying at theirs.

Late last year I facilitated contact with Dd and her dad, it was very limited and on DD’s terms. He spent a couple of hours with her on three afternoons. We were trying to slowly build back up.

The last time he saw Dd she came home crying because he’d asked her to spit in a tube and she didn’t feel comfortable doing it - bearing in mind she’d not seen him for ages so wasn’t 100% comfortable. He’d said it was for her Christmas present. He’d asked me if he was ok to do her family tree, I thought he meant print one out and do it with her but no he wanted her to do a dna test.

I wasn’t upset about the DNA test itself, but how he handled it. He couldn’t see why I would be pissed off about it (putting Dd in an awkward position, making her uncomfortable, not talking to me about it first) and I said if he wants one to do it legally.

He’s now requested one through CMS. Now, I’m fine to do it but how do I explain to Dd without outright lying why she needs to have one that isn’t going to break her heart? She’s 8 so aware and understanding and I can’t bear telling her her dad doesn’t think he’s hers.

It’s all such a mess.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 02/04/2025 18:20

Just get a swab from her saliva when she’s sleeping or from her saliva after breath brushing?

Quitelikeit · 02/04/2025 18:21

Teeth brushing 😂 not breath

Original poster
Cadela · 02/04/2025 18:21

Quitelikeit · 02/04/2025 18:20

Just get a swab from her saliva when she’s sleeping or from her saliva after breath brushing?

Because it’s a legal one we need to go to the drs to have it done otherwise I would have done that!

OP posts:
PuffinLord · 02/04/2025 18:22

Can you explain it in terms of DNA ancestry testing, ie her dad is curious about family history and where genetically you all have origins, he wants to trace the family tree. Frame it as historic curiosity rather than as checking whether she is related.

ERthree · 02/04/2025 18:53

Tell her the truth. The truth will always be better than lies. Just explain why and how it needs to be done. Tell her adults sometimes try and get out of their responsibilites even though they know the truth. Do a dummy run with a cotton bud on yourself to show what it entails and that it doesn't hurt, then give her a cotton bud to try it out herself. Please don't lie, she needs to be able to trust you.

Pinkissmart · 02/04/2025 19:10

I learned the hard way not to cover up for other people's shitty behaviour.
I would explain it in simplest terms, but I wouldn't lie

2025willbemytime · 02/04/2025 19:16

Tell the truth. So stupid to lie to kids. They always find out and it causes more damage that the one person who has been there has lied, than the crappy behaviour from the other parent.

Pallisers · 02/04/2025 19:18

Don't lie. Explain that her father has requested a dna test and explain the procedure. Try to answer any questions she has but don't make up excuses for your ex. Tell her that you have no idea what is going through her father's head - because you don't.

What a nasty fool he is.

Snorlaxo · 02/04/2025 19:19

I think that you should tell the truth because it’s pretty likely that she’ll remember the experience and might ask you when she’s older. The ancestry DNA is a good idea

lunar1 · 02/04/2025 19:20

Just tell her, she would realise when she’s older anyway what it was for.

Talulahalula · 02/04/2025 19:22

Agree with tell the truth in an age appropriate way.

Something along the lines of - your dad wants to do a DNA test which shows your relationship to him. Sometimes this is important for dads to know because they are not the ones who had you in their tummy. He should not have asked you to spit for this and now he is doing it the proper way at the doctors. This will involve…

StMarie4me · 02/04/2025 19:23

Tell her the truth. But phrase it that there is a legal request for proof that she IS his, rather than he thinks that she isn’t.

Sassybooklover · 02/04/2025 19:32

I agree with others, don't lie to her. You need to tell her the truth, but in an age appropriate way. Don't cover for her Dad, tell her that you don't know or understand what is going through his mind, but it's something that has to be done because he's requested it. Lying is worse, because eventually she may work it out for herself. Children aren't stupid and are far more perceptive than adults give them credit for.

Lavenderandbrown · 02/04/2025 19:33

Yes absolutely don’t lie or fabricate some more plausible/palatable reason for the swab. If you/DD decline can he stop CMS? Is declining an option without financial retribution because he hasn’t seen her in 4 yrs except for a few hours…turned a blind eye to stepmothers abuse…and possibly has only instigated contact due to wanting to disprove his paternity? I don’t think her best interests here are what he’s looking to find/ support. I wouldn’t do it unless mandated and risking losing cms.

heaque · 02/04/2025 19:35

If the step mother was abusive to DD is it possible she is the one driving this for whatever reason? Not an excuse and not sure how to word that to your DD but if her DF is being manipulated or abused by the step mother, it might help her one day to understand that.

JustMyView13 · 02/04/2025 19:35

StMarie4me · 02/04/2025 19:23

Tell her the truth. But phrase it that there is a legal request for proof that she IS his, rather than he thinks that she isn’t.

I was thinking this.
But also, aren’t 8yr olds curious about everything? Is this a chance to do a trip to the science museum (if you’re local to London) and just learn about DNA & make it something fun and educational maybe?

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/04/2025 19:36

Talulahalula · 02/04/2025 19:22

Agree with tell the truth in an age appropriate way.

Something along the lines of - your dad wants to do a DNA test which shows your relationship to him. Sometimes this is important for dads to know because they are not the ones who had you in their tummy. He should not have asked you to spit for this and now he is doing it the proper way at the doctors. This will involve…

I really like this explanation. It is loving, caring and non-judgmental. Bless her.

Original poster
Cadela · 02/04/2025 19:45

Lavenderandbrown · 02/04/2025 19:33

Yes absolutely don’t lie or fabricate some more plausible/palatable reason for the swab. If you/DD decline can he stop CMS? Is declining an option without financial retribution because he hasn’t seen her in 4 yrs except for a few hours…turned a blind eye to stepmothers abuse…and possibly has only instigated contact due to wanting to disprove his paternity? I don’t think her best interests here are what he’s looking to find/ support. I wouldn’t do it unless mandated and risking losing cms.

He doesn’t currently pay CMS, he quit his job to not pay. He’s such a shit. However I believe that now his younger child with his partner is in school he’s about to take a full time position and is trying everything he can to not have to pay CMS. Hence requesting the DNA through them rather than going to court.

I would tell him to fuck off but in the event of him working I do want Dd to have his money at least so just want to get it over with honestly.

OP posts:
spicemaiden · 02/04/2025 19:46

I’m sorry, I just have to check here…he set up the idea of a ‘family tree’ with you so that he could get a DNA analysis to see if his little girl is actually his?? So you let her go off to him having no idea what it entailed.

I think I’ve found a new low for men.

I’m sorry

Original poster
Cadela · 02/04/2025 19:48

spicemaiden · 02/04/2025 19:46

I’m sorry, I just have to check here…he set up the idea of a ‘family tree’ with you so that he could get a DNA analysis to see if his little girl is actually his?? So you let her go off to him having no idea what it entailed.

I think I’ve found a new low for men.

I’m sorry

Exactly that. In my head he was planning on doing a lovely thing with her, spending the afternoon talking about his family and when she got home I could fill in my side. That’s how he phrased it anyway.

It was only when she got home I realised what he’d actually been planning. To say I was angry was an understatement.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 02/04/2025 19:51

He sounds like a dick. The sooner she realises that and decides she no longer wants contact the better to be honest.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/04/2025 19:56

Talulahalula · 02/04/2025 19:22

Agree with tell the truth in an age appropriate way.

Something along the lines of - your dad wants to do a DNA test which shows your relationship to him. Sometimes this is important for dads to know because they are not the ones who had you in their tummy. He should not have asked you to spit for this and now he is doing it the proper way at the doctors. This will involve…

This

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 02/04/2025 19:57

PuffinLord · 02/04/2025 18:22

Can you explain it in terms of DNA ancestry testing, ie her dad is curious about family history and where genetically you all have origins, he wants to trace the family tree. Frame it as historic curiosity rather than as checking whether she is related.

This is what I'd go with. Thers is no way in hell I would tell dc the truth. I'm usually one for honesty but the damage this could do to your dc self worth is not worth it.

FortyNineAndABit · 02/04/2025 20:02

Are you 100% certain she IS his?
In that case, nothing to worry about, other than confusing an 8 year old who won't know much anyway. I'd just explain it as he needs proof that she is genetically related - for some unspecified legal reason - breeze over it a bit.
The test itself is no big deal. It's not invasive or unpleasant. And guess what, the result is going to be exactly as you have told her all these years, you can reassure her of that from the very start of the process.

ForPearlNewt · 02/04/2025 20:09

What a dick. I'm sorry you both have to deal with him.

I agree with the concensus of telling her the truth, in an appropriate way.

In your position I also wouldn't be going out of my way to encourage more contact with this twat, either. I know it's not a fashionable viewpoint but some "fathers" are just less damaging when they're absent.