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Original poster

DD’s dad asking for a DNA test - how to explain this to Dd without lasting damage?

61 replies

Cadela · 02/04/2025 18:19

For context - Dd has not seen her dad for 4 years after abuse from her step mum came to light when she was staying at theirs.

Late last year I facilitated contact with Dd and her dad, it was very limited and on DD’s terms. He spent a couple of hours with her on three afternoons. We were trying to slowly build back up.

The last time he saw Dd she came home crying because he’d asked her to spit in a tube and she didn’t feel comfortable doing it - bearing in mind she’d not seen him for ages so wasn’t 100% comfortable. He’d said it was for her Christmas present. He’d asked me if he was ok to do her family tree, I thought he meant print one out and do it with her but no he wanted her to do a dna test.

I wasn’t upset about the DNA test itself, but how he handled it. He couldn’t see why I would be pissed off about it (putting Dd in an awkward position, making her uncomfortable, not talking to me about it first) and I said if he wants one to do it legally.

He’s now requested one through CMS. Now, I’m fine to do it but how do I explain to Dd without outright lying why she needs to have one that isn’t going to break her heart? She’s 8 so aware and understanding and I can’t bear telling her her dad doesn’t think he’s hers.

It’s all such a mess.

OP posts:
rosiebl · 02/04/2025 20:09

Wow. Some men are something else entirely op. I’m so sorry. Agree with other posters, your DD needs to know what her dad has asked for and why. Kids need to know who their parents really are. Please don’t lie to her. She needs to trust you.

Cucy · 02/04/2025 20:10

How old is she?

spicemaiden · 02/04/2025 20:11

spicemaiden · 02/04/2025 19:46

I’m sorry, I just have to check here…he set up the idea of a ‘family tree’ with you so that he could get a DNA analysis to see if his little girl is actually his?? So you let her go off to him having no idea what it entailed.

I think I’ve found a new low for men.

I’m sorry

If it were me I’d be ending that contact right now.

He lied to you and then emotionally harmed his child so that he could try to get out of child support

Utterly inappropriate

Whyherewego · 02/04/2025 20:12

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/04/2025 19:36

I really like this explanation. It is loving, caring and non-judgmental. Bless her.

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Second this. It's probably the best you can do given the circumstances

NimbleTiger · 02/04/2025 20:13

Maybe if it's a blood test at the GP's just use the need to know her blood group for future reference rather than anything regarding DNA......Difficult situation ...hugs

Sharktoothgirl · 02/04/2025 20:13

If he did the ancestry DNA test already what is the point of requesting a legally binding one from CMS?
Is there any possibility he isn’t the father OP? Or none whatsoever? If he’s definitely the father and he’s already had his own proof via ancestry DNA then there’s no point whatsoever in him dragging it through court. They will just order him to pay for the test when it confirms he is the father.
Unless he’s got some hare-brained scheme to send a mate instead of himself - which shouldn’t work because a court-validated test would require photo ID.

TroysMammy · 02/04/2025 20:13

Cucy · 02/04/2025 20:10

How old is she?

Says in the OP.

Cucy · 02/04/2025 20:21

TroysMammy · 02/04/2025 20:13

Says in the OP.

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Thank you.
I read it about 3 times and still couldn’t see it 😂
I see it now.

Snorlaxo · 02/04/2025 20:25

Sharktoothgirl · 02/04/2025 20:13

If he did the ancestry DNA test already what is the point of requesting a legally binding one from CMS?
Is there any possibility he isn’t the father OP? Or none whatsoever? If he’s definitely the father and he’s already had his own proof via ancestry DNA then there’s no point whatsoever in him dragging it through court. They will just order him to pay for the test when it confirms he is the father.
Unless he’s got some hare-brained scheme to send a mate instead of himself - which shouldn’t work because a court-validated test would require photo ID.

It sounds like dd didn’t want to spit into the tube.

Not all DNA testing companies are expected by courts and CMS so using an officially recognised company is best.

Nosaucelikemintsauce · 02/04/2025 20:37

Well just get it over with. Then feel smug you were right all along...

LePetitMaman · 02/04/2025 20:37

Yes... Did she spit in the tube and he did that test already?

Because the only reason he's asking for a CMS one now, if he's done that one, is because he knows she's not his from the first test?? He wouldn't be bothering with a test he knows is going to prove she's his, would he?

Sharktoothgirl · 02/04/2025 20:41

Snorlaxo · 02/04/2025 20:25

It sounds like dd didn’t want to spit into the tube.

Not all DNA testing companies are expected by courts and CMS so using an officially recognised company is best.

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Ah I missed the part where OP’d dd didn’t complete the test.

Velvian · 02/04/2025 20:42

The OP implies that she didn't spit in the tube, "she didn't feel comfortable doing it."

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/04/2025 21:15

"We need go and do something next week, I am afraid it isnt very interesting. Do you remember when we did your passport photo and someone had to say ? that it really was you? This is like that. We go to a doctor who takes a swab like this (you use a baby bud to do your own cheek) and thats it. Nice and easy."

When she asks why explain that some people lie about who they are so the government needs proof these days. Isnt it sad that a few bad people means that the rest of us have to do this even though we dont lie? etc

So truthful but not giving her all the details.

amiadoormat · 02/04/2025 21:23

To be honest my 8 year old would see through most of the cover stories mentioned here. She is also very sensitive about being lied to so just be honest OP. My 8 year old knows about CMS and her dad not paying it. Don’t treat her like an idiot thats the worst thing you can do.
id say “look your dad is a shit and he wants a dna test - he needs it for someone to decide whether he pays CMS or not - let’s go and get it over with - I already know the answer but your dad is your dad and likes to make life difficult”

Original poster
Cadela · 02/04/2025 21:25

FortyNineAndABit · 02/04/2025 20:02

Are you 100% certain she IS his?
In that case, nothing to worry about, other than confusing an 8 year old who won't know much anyway. I'd just explain it as he needs proof that she is genetically related - for some unspecified legal reason - breeze over it a bit.
The test itself is no big deal. It's not invasive or unpleasant. And guess what, the result is going to be exactly as you have told her all these years, you can reassure her of that from the very start of the process.

100% certain, although had to answer some rather intrusive questions from CMS when giving my consent to the test “how many times did you have sex around conception and with how many men?” 😳 so degrading!

Dd did not spit in the tube - she asked her dad if she could come home do it on the doorstep with me so she felt more comfortable, he obviously declined because he knew I’d be furious.

I’m going to be open as I can with Dd and I know lying to her won’t help the situation. I just want to protect her as much as I can.

OP posts:
ThejoyofNC · 02/04/2025 21:27

God I can't believe people are saying you need to tell her the truth. Sometimes as adults it's necessary to lie to kids to protect them and this is pretty obviously one of those times. Why on earth would you plant a seed of doubt in the mind of a child about thier father not being their father. It will be really damaging.

Sevenamcoffee · 02/04/2025 21:28

Talulahalula · 02/04/2025 19:22

Agree with tell the truth in an age appropriate way.

Something along the lines of - your dad wants to do a DNA test which shows your relationship to him. Sometimes this is important for dads to know because they are not the ones who had you in their tummy. He should not have asked you to spit for this and now he is doing it the proper way at the doctors. This will involve…

This is good

Starfishfriend · 02/04/2025 21:28

Can you just say no?
he’s not paying cms anyway. If in the event he does actually get and keep a full time job, then put in a cms claim, and if he in return wants a dna test then, then you can do it then. But right now it doesn’t benefit you or dd in any way to do what he wants

C8H10N4O2 · 02/04/2025 21:30

ThejoyofNC · 02/04/2025 21:27

God I can't believe people are saying you need to tell her the truth. Sometimes as adults it's necessary to lie to kids to protect them and this is pretty obviously one of those times. Why on earth would you plant a seed of doubt in the mind of a child about thier father not being their father. It will be really damaging.

Its not protecting the daughter to lie rather than explain that the reason she has to do the test is because her father has forced it.

It would be protecting the father to pretend its all nicey nice and the that OP is ok with this.

As pp say - every time you think you have seen the low bar for absent fathers someone sets a new low.

Original poster
Cadela · 02/04/2025 21:33

This was what he’d sent regarding the “family tree”. Nothing suggested an actual DNA sample.

DD’s dad asking for a DNA test - how to explain this to Dd without lasting damage?
OP posts:
Fuckitydoodah · 02/04/2025 21:33

StMarie4me · 02/04/2025 19:23

Tell her the truth. But phrase it that there is a legal request for proof that she IS his, rather than he thinks that she isn’t.

This. Tell her the truth, but I'd spin it that it's a legal requirement, rather than her Dad is an utter c**t. Not to protect him, but to protect her.

CaffeineNChaos · 02/04/2025 21:36

Cadela · 02/04/2025 18:21

Because it’s a legal one we need to go to the drs to have it done otherwise I would have done that!

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Tell her you’re all doing one to create a family tree. Tell her you thought it would all be fun as you might uncover cousins you never knew existed and say you want a break down of all of your heritage or something (you know where it tells you your 3% this and 50% that etc. make it sound fun and exciting

NameChangedOfc · 02/04/2025 21:37

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 02/04/2025 19:57

This is what I'd go with. Thers is no way in hell I would tell dc the truth. I'm usually one for honesty but the damage this could do to your dc self worth is not worth it.

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I have to agree with this. She is too little, I wouldn't burden her with some truths about the adults yet...

I'm sorry, OP: what an absolute waste of space he is. 🙏

HarryVanderspeigle · 02/04/2025 21:38

Don't lie, it just makes you the bad guy when she doesn't believe you. Saying her information is being put on a website for ancestry means she might go looking one day and encourages her to think it is fine to put personal information online.

There has been some good advice on here as to how to do it as gently as possible. Is it possible to wait and see if he does get a job before doing it? What an arsehole.