DD’s dad asking for a DNA test - how to explain this to Dd without lasting damage?

[Cadela]

For context - Dd has not seen her dad for 4 years after abuse from her step mum came to light when she was staying at theirs.

Late last year I facilitated contact with Dd and her dad, it was very limited and on DD’s terms. He spent a couple of hours with her on three afternoons. We were trying to slowly build back up.

The last time he saw Dd she came home crying because he’d asked her to spit in a tube and she didn’t feel comfortable doing it - bearing in mind she’d not seen him for ages so wasn’t 100% comfortable. He’d said it was for her Christmas present. He’d asked me if he was ok to do her family tree, I thought he meant print one out and do it with her but no he wanted her to do a dna test.

I wasn’t upset about the DNA test itself, but how he handled it. He couldn’t see why I would be pissed off about it (putting Dd in an awkward position, making her uncomfortable, not talking to me about it first) and I said if he wants one to do it legally.

He’s now requested one through CMS. Now, I’m fine to do it but how do I explain to Dd without outright lying why she needs to have one that isn’t going to break her heart? She’s 8 so aware and understanding and I can’t bear telling her her dad doesn’t think he’s hers.

It’s all such a mess.

This is actually a fab idea - he’s already put this into her head, so it wouldn’t be such a stretch to say we were going to do it properly. I can joke about it with her like “oh no spitting in tubes in cars!” but we still get to do the family tree.

That way when she’s older she knows it happened for that reason, but I can be more open with her.

I have to be swabbed at the same time legally so it won’t just all be on Dd, which does make it a lot better.

Wow at cms asking how much sex you had

does he really think she isn’t his ?

does she look like him ?

my dd was ivf and such a mini daddy. We joked and said nice to know they got the right sperm

if there is no chance she isn’t his - then a simple truth is

testing to prove daddy is your daddy and I’m your mummy

esp if you have to test as well

Do an ancestry dna test yourself. If she knows you have done one first and it’s for a family tree you are both going to work on together she won’t get worried.

Honestly I think this relationship sounds really damaging to her and I would stop hiding what a dickhead he is because eventually this relationship is going to end with him not bothering to see her anymore and the sooner it does the less damage it will cause.

If you hide what’s going on she is going to remember taking the test and feel betrayed when she’s old enough to twig what happened. You could try telling her that it’s just a thing that courts ask to do as part of CMS rather than something dad has requested but I still think it’s likely she’ll remember and ask when older.

the fact that she came home crying upset about spitting on a tube suggests he didn’t just ask once but kept pushing her to do it. Absolute arsehole.

Im so sorry for your DD though, I keep writing out and deleting the phrasing you could use and there isn’t anything that fits.

It’s so hard though because if I’m seen to be calling him an outrageous cunt (which he is) he can use this against me in court.

I don’t think he’ll go via court, never has yet! But it always plays in my mind that he would and so I am trying to not just sit Dd down and say he’s fucking awful let’s pretend he doesn’t exist.

She hasn’t asked to see him once since the spitting in the tube incidence though so I do think she gets it. Just such a fine line to tread to support her in yes he’s awful, but not putting my opinion in her head.

Once he’s got the confirmation she’s his maybe he’ll fuck off forever, pay his £200 CMS a month and leave us alone.

Certainly seems like he only wanted contact to "prove" she isnt his child to get out of CMS, knowing full well you dont want him to have contact with her. [ETA] probably due to poison dropped into his ear by the bitch he married. I rather think that this is his bluff, you were supposed to refuse contact. By allowing him to see her you have called his bluff so he has to raise (using poker parlance here) in order to make you fold.

So go "all-in" and do the test. He will be forced to pay but wont bother seeing her and will be an arsehole about the CMS going forward. This is exactly what my ex did. I got "I dont even know if she is mine!" thrown at me, so I said to get a DNA test (20 years ago) and oddly enough he didnt. But he did change jobs often enough to mean that his deduction of earnings would lapse, so CSA (as it was then) would have to track him down via tax, then give 2 months notice to his new employers and then I would get maybe three months and then he would move again. DD is now 27 and he still owes nearly £10k that she will never see.

And then when she wants to know the results? Because it won't give any of these details. Ridiculous lie that just leaves you in a deeper hole.

It won't work. A paternity test isn't like a genealogy test - it won't give you any of the heritage or wider family results that something like Ancestry would.

What concerns me is that if anyone places their DNA on Ancestry etc then it potentially opens a massive can of worms in terms of people who may be related to you - or you thought were but are not etc

Its potentially bad enough if you are an adult but she's only 8

So I suggest that if her father is allowed to see her again then the answer is NO NO DNA Test other than that ordered by the CMS

If you lie now, your daughter will realise the truth when she’s older and it’ll feel really messed up to know her dad was a horrible prick AND her mum enabled him by tricking her into doing a DNA test.

My parents lied about all sorts of things with the best of intentions, my dad didn’t pay maintenance and I rarely saw him but my mum always made it seem like he was just busy/short on money that month. It really hurt when I realised the dad I adored wasn’t who I thought he was - I felt like a fool.

She needs one parent she can trust and it won’t be him so it needs to be you.

She needs one parent she can trust and it won’t be him so it needs to be you.

This.

A lie from you will be more damaging than the ones from him, as she seems to already have a healthy distrust of him. She needs you to be her safe person, who she knows will be honest with her.