Finances in a non living together relationship

[Coasterspec]

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

For various reasons when we "stay in" it's mostly at my house. I like to cook. I also like to host (anyone) and always have drinks, biscuits cakes etc, that I am more tham happy to share with guests. As a child whenever anyone arrived at the house, my mother's first action would be to put the kettle on and get the cake tin out and I receive visitors in the same way. Always cook plenty for everyone etc.

However, most visitors are occasional and/or reciprocate. DP does occasionally buy a takeaway, but I doubt it matches my costs for having him here. That wouldn't bother me for any other friend, but with him I sometimes feel he should acknowledge he does very well out of the arrangement and hence, point 2.

When we go out, we either take turns or split the bill. If we're away, for example, we'll put everything on one card and settle up afterwards. He's always very quick to pay, needs no prompting but it is always exactly 50/50. However, he also has a big appetite, so he will almost always have ordered more food than me. Again, with other friends this wouldn't bother me at all, I can't be doing with paying for exactly what you had and am more than happy to split, on a swings and roundabouts basis, but this is always one-sided. I also think it wouldn't hurt if he offered to pay occasionally to acknowledge how often I "host" him. Otoh, I really don't want to "make" from him and I do want to pay my way, just for things to be right.

I'm better off than he is, but to a large extent that's due to the life choices we've made, he could earn more if he wanted to (or I could earn less if I lived like he does).

Anyway, this is alien to me, I'm a generous friend, but in most of my friendships, that's a moot point because they always pay their way too, someone who ordered an extra dessert would make sure they paid a bit extra when the bill is split etc.

So, it's bugging me, but I don't know if I'm unreasonable or not. He comes to mine mostly because I like it that way, I'd rather be here than at his and I cook because I want to, which probably saves me money despite cooking for him because he'd eat out (and I'd pay half) every day left to him. I'm not in any financial hardship and I'm always generous with guests, but he's here so frequently he doesn't feel like a guest iyswim.

Anyway, I'm not a person who keeps a close tally normally, but something about this is bugging me and I don't like that, but also not prepared to be taken advantage of. Is he?

What would you expect to happen if I tried to say I need our financial arrangements to reflect that he does very well out of spending so much time here? Should I?

Yes he knows and says that suits him too

I think it's quite simple. He's underestimating the unseen costs like Loo roll, butter, coke, tea bags AND he actually orders two thirds of the bill when you're out and only pays half.

Therefore the best thing he could do is turn up with some groceries most weeks and offer to pay the whole bill every now and again in a restaurant or cafe. Stops the itemising aspect.

The only thing you've said that I'd be cautious of is the paying for takeaways and including your kids. He could get a bit shitty about that under a new arrangement.

You sound great. And he sounds fine. It's just a revaluation of the situation before it gets too entrenched and actually becomes a problem!

The restaurant bill bit would drive me mad, particularly when he thinks he is being oh so fair by splitting 50/50. Maybe you could try being surprised for the next few bills. “Oh gosh how is that £30 each, I had the pasta which is £12.50. Let me check the bill.”
Actually that seems very passive aggressive. Could you have a chat about how your entertainment budget has gone up and you want to cut down on eating out or have a fairer split ?

the eating out bit is always tricky. We have friends who are big drinkers and always have starters etc. we split the bill but are effectively subsidising their meal each time we meet. It’s fine because it’s occasional, but if it were more often it would piss me off

The restaurant bill bit would drive me mad, particularly when he thinks he is being oh so fair by splitting 50/50.

He doesn't think that, unless he has problems with basic maths. I suspect he's got some minor CF tendencies and will let others pay part of his bills if they are too polite to pull him up on it.

For the love of god, itemise the bill or move on! He doesn’t sound like a bad guy, you don’t sound unhappy. This is a non-issue imo.

I can do basic maths (I have a degree it the subject, no less) but if I was dating someone who earned more than me and never expressed a desire to do anything other than 50/50 it would not occur to me that I should insist on stumping up for an extra desert or an extra glass of wine. Equally, if the roles were reversed I’d happily sub a partner on that basis. I’m not a CF.

This place is not normal. Don’t get caught up in it!

Hmmm.

He likes to eat out, and he's the one who suggests it when you do go out for a meal, so you eat out more than you usually would because of his preference. However, despite suggesting the meals out, he never pays for the whole meal, so he's not inviting/treating you or taking you out for a meal as such, he's expecting 50/50. Which isn't fair when he orders a lot more food than you do.

You are generous with your space (inviting him to your home), your time (cooking him meals) and money (buying ingredients) and you're very happy to do so, but it's starting to bother you that he doesn't repay your generosity.

You definitely need to discuss this with him. It will be interesting to see how he reacts. It's definitely not fair to split restaurant bills 50/50 when he always orders a lot more, for example. I hope he listens and takes it on board. If he doesn't, I suggest that you stop agreeing to so many meals out - tell him you don't want to spend your money on it when you've already eaten out x times in the last 10 days and have lots of lovely food in.

You could just stop buying the biscuits and other things he enjoys eating at your house, but I get the impression you'd prefer him to reciprocate, rather than becoming stingier yourself. So talk to him.

I would hope to be treated to a meal out
occasionally.