Finances in a non living together relationship

[Coasterspec]

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

For various reasons when we "stay in" it's mostly at my house. I like to cook. I also like to host (anyone) and always have drinks, biscuits cakes etc, that I am more tham happy to share with guests. As a child whenever anyone arrived at the house, my mother's first action would be to put the kettle on and get the cake tin out and I receive visitors in the same way. Always cook plenty for everyone etc.

However, most visitors are occasional and/or reciprocate. DP does occasionally buy a takeaway, but I doubt it matches my costs for having him here. That wouldn't bother me for any other friend, but with him I sometimes feel he should acknowledge he does very well out of the arrangement and hence, point 2.

When we go out, we either take turns or split the bill. If we're away, for example, we'll put everything on one card and settle up afterwards. He's always very quick to pay, needs no prompting but it is always exactly 50/50. However, he also has a big appetite, so he will almost always have ordered more food than me. Again, with other friends this wouldn't bother me at all, I can't be doing with paying for exactly what you had and am more than happy to split, on a swings and roundabouts basis, but this is always one-sided. I also think it wouldn't hurt if he offered to pay occasionally to acknowledge how often I "host" him. Otoh, I really don't want to "make" from him and I do want to pay my way, just for things to be right.

I'm better off than he is, but to a large extent that's due to the life choices we've made, he could earn more if he wanted to (or I could earn less if I lived like he does).

Anyway, this is alien to me, I'm a generous friend, but in most of my friendships, that's a moot point because they always pay their way too, someone who ordered an extra dessert would make sure they paid a bit extra when the bill is split etc.

So, it's bugging me, but I don't know if I'm unreasonable or not. He comes to mine mostly because I like it that way, I'd rather be here than at his and I cook because I want to, which probably saves me money despite cooking for him because he'd eat out (and I'd pay half) every day left to him. I'm not in any financial hardship and I'm always generous with guests, but he's here so frequently he doesn't feel like a guest iyswim.

Anyway, I'm not a person who keeps a close tally normally, but something about this is bugging me and I don't like that, but also not prepared to be taken advantage of. Is he?

What would you expect to happen if I tried to say I need our financial arrangements to reflect that he does very well out of spending so much time here? Should I?

How would you expect it to go if I say "we need to talk about money" and set out what I said in OP, then leave him to suggest a reasonable way forward?

I really don't want his money, just an arrangement that feels reasonable on both sides.

Only you know him, it’s always going to be a bit awkward though, and it’s something you need an open mind for.

He might suggest that you alternate instead, one week in your home and one week in his, so that you both share the cost of hosting. He might be happy to just pay for & bring his own snacks to your house, that could work perfectly or it could end up down the line where you’re bickering over the last biscuit and not allowed to touch each others snacks because “I paid for it” which isn’t great but can happen once you start nitpicking about money. You could agree that you’ll just pay for what you order when out for food, which solves the financial side of the issue but the awkwardness of being sat in a restaurant with my partner and sitting calculating exactly to the penny what we each spent to pay is a real romance killer for me.

I also find it embarrassing when we're out with friends and he's ordered loads but doesn't offer extra when it comes to splitting the bill, as most of them would

This is a good discussion point, say to him that you have always considered it's polite to over offer if your own personal share of the meal is over and above others..get him to offer his thoughts/opinions. He may not have really thought about it, since splitting a meal can be excruciating for a large group.

How much do you think he is costing extra, you mention £5 several times a week, so is that £1k p.a? If so if you are the financially stronger partner is it impacting you or are you wanting to see some generosity from him?

You definitely need to raise it, it is bothering you enough to post on mn, which is always a sign of resentment, which is a relationship killer.

I’d just keep using the phrase “I’m trying to be sensible with money” when relevant. For example if he asks about biscuits and soft drinks just say oh I didn’t buy any when I did the food shop, i’m trying to be sensible with money. Or when you go for breakfast tell him you’d like to just pay whatever you each order as you’re trying to be sensible with money. This way you get to call attention to how you each behave differently around money without it seeming like an attack to him.

I can rember a boyfriend of mine when I was a student, and he worked. It started to irk me that we split the drinks 50/50 when we went out, each buying alternate rounds.
But mine was a half, and his was a pint each time.
Ex boyfriend

That's a good point. As the financial better off partner, I don't begrudge him £1k over a year - somehow that "feels" less than £20pw.

I guess I'd like him to acknowledge he does well out of the arrangement and that every time he orders extra I'm paying for his food.

The bit about not realising when out with friends that splitting exactly is unfair, sounds like a good place to start. You wouldn't be asking to pay less for yourself, but on behalf of others.

An alternative is to go out for a meal with him and order something very expensive to eat and drink (cocktails when he has a pint). When the bill comes say that you want to pay for yourself and then you have a precedent for not going 50/50. Ultimately, you need to raise it or live with resentment.

I can absolutely guarantee we wouldn't end up in a last biscuit situation, he's a very good sharer. I don't buy snacks when out, but if he does he'll buy something for me whether I want it or not or if he buys a pack of something he wants me to have some - which also annoys me becuase he's making me fat 🤣

I do find myself doing that sometimes, but it's a bit stupid becuase I'm still increasing my half of the bill and having things I don't want to boot.

Are you secretly hoping DP will notice how much you’re losing and be generous back to you?

OP, like many of us, I too have done my time with expensive men. There’s only one way out.

Ask for fairness and 🥾 if it doesn’t arrive instantly.

“He comes to mine mostly because I like it that way, I'd rather be here than at his and I cook because I want to, which probably saves me money despite cooking for him because he'd eat out (and I'd pay half) every day left to him.”

@Coasterspec

Here in lies the issue. It’s your decision to spend more time at your house and you cook because you like to. If you want things to change you either start spending more time at his house or you speak up and mention the issue at hand of you paying for more stuff.

If I could comfortably afford it and the arrangement suited me (ie. preferring to be in my own environment etc.) then I wouldn't quibble over 5/10 quid a few times a week.

You say you don't want to be the person to quibble over an extra side but it sounds like that's what you will need to do unless you can let it go. The differences sound small to be honest so I think it's entirely possible / probable that he is totally unaware of the issue.

This is a non-issue to me. Just tell him.

If you begrudge him a few biscuits I don’t think he’s the man for you but either way you have a couple of options.

a - go to his more often and eat his food
b - be specific about what you want hil
to do. You’ve said he bought dessert but you didn’t want it. Wine? Pay for takeaway? What could he do that you wouldn’t resent
or c- install a vending machine in the hall.

you are the sort of person who wants to itemise the bill though, because that’s exactly what you’re doing. Own it!

If this was reversed, most people on here would be telling him to get rid of you for being stingy and petty.

I'm really not the person who wants to itemise the bill. I've been eating out with ground for years and I never have, but people (including me) in those groups would always say oh you're driving you can't pay or our drinks, or we all had dessert and x didn't and make that right. Or with people I'm out with regularly, we'd know that if x gets coffees this time y will get them next time, without anyone formally keeping count.

It's not about the biscuits!

And yes, I will talk to him and I expect it to be a sensible discussion. I'm just unsure what's reasonable to expect as an outcome.

I know it’s awkward to do this, but he’s not really a guest any longer and to feed another adult every weekend will start to get expensive. But you need to speak to him about it, if he’s a nice, normal person he will react well, and possibly feel a bit guilty as he didn’t think of this himself. If he reacts badly then it’s a red flag and you’ve dodged a bullet.

a quick conversation with him, just saying that it’s costing you quite a bit on extra food bills to host him each week and eating out on a regular basis and splitting the bill 50/50 when he has more than you is starting to impact your finances. Work out what YOU think is a reasonable amount and ask him if he’s willing to contribute X to the extra amount each week. As I said, if he’s a decent human he won’t bat an eyelid and will agree

I really don't want cash from him, I just want him to be a bit more aware and make sure he pays his full share of things. I don't want him to contribute to the running of my house.

I wouldn't offer a solution. I'd just say that it's all adding up and you're beginning to feel a little resentful. If he's defensive, that's a problem. If he's mortified, then you can work out a solution. Anyone can see that eating out and always ordering more than the other yet insisting on a 50/50 split isn't fair.

I think he'll be somewhere between defensive and mortified.

He'll be kind about it and probably say the right things but he probably won't agree with my reasoning. I think he believes he pays for things (eg takaways) more often than he does, or maybe it is that I don't realise how often he does it.

Tbf, when he gets a takeaway or dessert he does get it for my young adult DC too, if they're at home, so it's often a substantial cost.

You could consider setting up something like a Splitwise account. It's an app that you can use when there's a couple or a group needing to divide expenses fairly. You put in what you've paid, and then at an agreed time (end of a holiday for example, or end of the month) ask the app to settle up, and it works out who owes what to whom.

But if you don’t know what’s reasonable then he can’t win.

You say you are better off than him because of his choices and he could earn more. This sounds more of an issue than the biscuits. It sounds like this is what you resent.

You say he buys takeaways for you and your DS.
You say he did bring dessert but you asked him not to because you were putting on weight.
You say you don’t want to itemise things when you go out

so what do you want?

It sounds like you are resentful. Wanting him to acknowledge it isn’t going to change anything, except reinforce and highlight the fact that you earn more than he does.

When your out just the two of you ask for separate bills. When your out with friends tell him before you go not to be greedy as people are starting to notice. Stop buying biscuits or cakes, tell him he should bring along some. Let him eat the same meals that you enjoy and don't buy especially for him. If he wants steak let him bring it and you can cook it for him.

He may find it a bit petty but let's face it you're starting to resent him.

No I really don't resent his choices, I'm actually quite impressed at the life he's made for himself - a decent standard of living without having to work too hard.

I don't know on any of the other stuff, that's why I wanted to discuss it here.

I think you aren’t wrong to be bothered about it, but it will be very hard to discuss without coming off badly.

You seem a bit fussy and he seems clueless/not naturally generous PLUS an income disparity means that 50/50 actually “costs” him a bit more. And then turning away the desserts makes it seem like you don’t want his contribution. So you need to talk it out but it will be messy. Part of why I hate 5050 and would rather just treat each other!

Including your kid/s is a generous thing to do and presumably your 'share' doesnt include food for anyone other than him. He's really not sounding like the bad guy in this - not that you are either but what is it you want? Are you doing that woman thing of just expecting him to know? We all do it but it must be bloody annoying.

I love the idea of the vending machine!

It interesting because actually I don't think it will be a difficult or "messy" conversation. We might have to agree to disagree but I don't think it will get unpleasant.

He knows and understands why I don't want the desserts.