Finances in a non living together relationship

[Coasterspec]

I'm not sure how I feel about this.

For various reasons when we "stay in" it's mostly at my house. I like to cook. I also like to host (anyone) and always have drinks, biscuits cakes etc, that I am more tham happy to share with guests. As a child whenever anyone arrived at the house, my mother's first action would be to put the kettle on and get the cake tin out and I receive visitors in the same way. Always cook plenty for everyone etc.

However, most visitors are occasional and/or reciprocate. DP does occasionally buy a takeaway, but I doubt it matches my costs for having him here. That wouldn't bother me for any other friend, but with him I sometimes feel he should acknowledge he does very well out of the arrangement and hence, point 2.

When we go out, we either take turns or split the bill. If we're away, for example, we'll put everything on one card and settle up afterwards. He's always very quick to pay, needs no prompting but it is always exactly 50/50. However, he also has a big appetite, so he will almost always have ordered more food than me. Again, with other friends this wouldn't bother me at all, I can't be doing with paying for exactly what you had and am more than happy to split, on a swings and roundabouts basis, but this is always one-sided. I also think it wouldn't hurt if he offered to pay occasionally to acknowledge how often I "host" him. Otoh, I really don't want to "make" from him and I do want to pay my way, just for things to be right.

I'm better off than he is, but to a large extent that's due to the life choices we've made, he could earn more if he wanted to (or I could earn less if I lived like he does).

Anyway, this is alien to me, I'm a generous friend, but in most of my friendships, that's a moot point because they always pay their way too, someone who ordered an extra dessert would make sure they paid a bit extra when the bill is split etc.

So, it's bugging me, but I don't know if I'm unreasonable or not. He comes to mine mostly because I like it that way, I'd rather be here than at his and I cook because I want to, which probably saves me money despite cooking for him because he'd eat out (and I'd pay half) every day left to him. I'm not in any financial hardship and I'm always generous with guests, but he's here so frequently he doesn't feel like a guest iyswim.

Anyway, I'm not a person who keeps a close tally normally, but something about this is bugging me and I don't like that, but also not prepared to be taken advantage of. Is he?

What would you expect to happen if I tried to say I need our financial arrangements to reflect that he does very well out of spending so much time here? Should I?

But you don’t want to go to his either? So this is all at your convenience & your choice.

You also don’t HAVE to be offering biscuits, ice cream, mid afternoon snack. You sound a bit like my gran to be honest. She is a feeder, like you she always greets guests with scones, biscuits, cakes etc so when we go to her house we pretty much graze all afternoon- I wouldn’t do that at home, I don’t need that much food!

Stop offering the endless buffet of snacks if it bothers you.

We won't live together. I'm very clear I won't ever live with anyone again
.

Hmm, it's true I don't have to offer this stuff, but he is looking/asking for it. "Are there any biscuits?" etc and it makes me feel like a rubbish host if I don't have in what he likes.

He sounds like the opposite of generous and he must know that you are subsidising him. That would start to annoy anyone. If he was really interested in paying his way, he'd be paying the full bill every so often as he can see you order less. Plus you cook for him.

How do you think he'd react if you sent the money to him for just what you'd ordered and your share of the tip? Would he be displeased that he hadn't gotten you to pay for some of his?

Actually on the occasions I have pulled him up on it or if I say come on, I've fed you all week, you can get the breakfast, he does pay without complaint. He just never offers

I've taken to mostly cooking vegetarian (which I like though not vege) for him, where as I used to treat him to steak and other expensive things he loves. He hasn't complained.

Surely that's the perfect opportunity to say 'no. why dont you nip to the shop'.

I'm in exactly the same position in that I dont live with my partner. I often stay at his but if I'm there say Fri-Sun I'll buy at least one meal to have at home and probably a lunch or breakfast out. We dont split things down to the nth degree but broadly we make it fair. He lives nearby but when we first met he was further away and I was spending a lot on petrol so he'd never accept me buying food. Neither of us wants to take the piss but both accept things should be roughly equal without making a big deal of it.

Even if he lives close, presumably there's still petrol and time (plus general inconvenience) to get to you. And all his chores stacking up at home etc.

And whilst you say you "don't ask or expect" him to do jobs, does he offer and do stuff? Does he pitch in and help when you're deep cleaning or decorating or gardening or does he fix stuff etc? Does he drop you to work if your car breaks down? Wait in for a parcel for you etc?

Ultimately, the question is, on balance, is him being there more valuable to you than the few quid it costs to keep him in tea and biscuits?

It doesn’t matter if others think you are unreasonable, it bothers you and you should raise it with him. It will be a test of the kind of person he is.

The only people who get arsey about splitting a bill fairly are people who routinely order the fillet steak when everyone else has a burger.

Yes, that's how I thought we were working,. possibly how he believes we're working, but I've come to realise it's not quite right.

You don't want to go to his though. What do you want to happen?

You don't want to go out and pay for dinner. You don't want to go to his and ask him to cook. You want him to bring food to yours.

In a caring relationship this shouldn't be an issue. This is a symptom of a deeper issue

I’d take this as the opportunity then to say “actually no I don’t, it’s getting quite expensive keeping all of those bits stocked up all the time, would you mind bringing your own snacks over as you’re here regularly or contributing £x a week and I’ll add them to my weekly shop?”.

He can either agree or disagree, or he can suggest alternating houses so that you both get the chance (& expense) to host.

Then you've got to say something because resentment grows and even if things are good otherwise it will become a problem.

It does sound like he's more easy going than a chancer but doesnt mean he should get away with it!

I know you are concentrating on food, but surely there's other costs to you of him staying - electricity useage, water use? So he's costing you money whenever he's there, even if he's 50/50 with food.

I had one a bit like this - at his house he'd cook (although he couldn't cook, he'd buy frozen and heat up) the most beige and basic food, but when we went to the supermarket at mine to buy food for ME to cook for HIM, he'd put stuff into the basket like there was no tomorrow and then step back when it came time to pay. Was VERY strict on 50/50 for all outings etc.

It did not end well.

I think he sounds thoughtless rather than a true cocklodgrr although actually the most concerning bit is actually that he always insists on 5050 when eating out. Most people, even when with someone who routinely just happily splits would have some vague awareness that it's uneven so every now ans again would insist on paying. Eg I have s friend who doesn't drink and qhen we go out I will usually just have a sk gle glass of wine. She always insists on just splitting 50/50 but I will usually then insists on saying for parking, or the tip, ot
R when we meet for a coffee I'll say, "let me get your coffee - you contributed to my wine last time".

I think, if it is thoughtlessness a light comment could work. Bill comes and he's working out 50/50 ans you say, "come on - you ate 4 meals AND snacks at my house over the weekend and just ordered a steak and a salad vs my pasta dish. Don't you think this one should be on you?"

Yes, I think that's what it is. I don't think he's scheming to live off me, he just doesn't worry about these things I hope

I think he'd accept the conversation with good grace , but I'm not sure how much things would change, beyond very initially, before it fizzled out, without fixed "rules" iyswim

For PP it's really not about biscuits though.

I think you're in danger of talking yourself round to "oh it's fine" when no, it's not.

I wouldn't begrudge anyone teabags in isolation but him always ordering more than you and always assuming a 50/50 split is just not on. It's not how nice people treat their friends IMO. Why should he treat you less well than you would treat a friend? I don't want to madly scream cocklodger but I think you should trust your instincts that (1) it feels a bit off and (2) it is not your fault, it's not caused by you failing to demand enough. He should be comfortable to pay his way, you shouldn't have to ask.

Just have a cooking rota where you split the weekend up- I did this with my partner when I felt fed up that I was buying and cooking all the food. We spend 4 days together, he buys and cooks for 2 as do I. It was niggling me as well. So I just said I was bored cooking - and thinking of what to cook all the time. It’s worked well, been no problem. If we go out, we tend to split stuff 50/50.

And when I do and he'll pay without complaint, but I do have to ask. He wouldn't say I had a starter and dessert, you didn't, let me cover that.

I think it can be quite easy to unintentionally fall into this situation.

I did "joke" about this early on and he started bringing dessert, but I don't usually have dessert and I started putting on weight at a startling rate, so I asked him to stop. I also don't think bringing something he likes and I don't want is really contributing?

He listened to you and changed. Then he listened to you again when you didn’t like his solution and stopped 😂 That’s a good sign. Tell him how you feel and tell him exactly what you would like him to do eg he gets a takeaway every 3 or 4 meals, you take it in turns to cook/buy food, he buys the wine, you pay for what you eat when you go out.

It's sounds like he's got the inconvenience of spending most of his weekend living out of a suitcase (as you put it) and you in exchange have the inconvenience of feeding him when he's there.
Perhaps suggest you share the cost of an Ocado order or similar once a week for the things you're eating and drinking together.

Presumably in the same way as if he told you about the inconvenience, petrol and time costs coming to your house all the time, you'd probably offer to go to his next time. But you're not proactively offering to split the burden of living out of a bag at someone else's place equally across the two of you.

It's not thoughtlessness when you've already brought it to his attention and told him he should pay a full bill. But he tries to get away with it again until you ask.

I'd take a specific week or two and add up everything that he's cost you, how much you subsidised his meals out and his share of meals and snacks at home.

Agree. It's clearly an issue.

Stop hosting him, just let him come over. Don't treat him like an esteemed visitor. Would you get the cake tin out anyway if he hadn't come over? Yes? Fine. If no, then don't bother getting it out especially for him.

OP, hes there so often, why don't you suggest he stocks up on the snacks etc that he wants every few weeks. You can be subtle or just say 'I'm not buying snacks this week - can you pick up xxx.

Spell it out to him. You're also running around cleaning up after him, cooking etc. It shouldn't all be on you, regardless of whether you will ever live together or not. Tell him that you expect him to pull his weight.

OK, I think I'm going to stop buying biscuits and soft drink, both things I never use, if he wants them he can bring them.

I genuinely don't mind (enjoy) cooking him dinner every a couple of times a week and I'm often cooking for my adult sons too. I can stand him joining a family dinner or eating what I'd cook for myself, and as has been said I have the benefit of being in my home.

But I do need to sort out the over ordering and paying half....once in a while would be fine, but it really is a lot, every time. I also find it embarrassing when we're out with friends and he's ordered loads but doesn't offer extra when it comes to splitting the bill, as most of them would.