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Original poster

Gutted and livid at same time

56 replies

DennyDoll · 01/04/2025 01:27

My daughter is 29, and having a baby in July . She was over the moon and I'm so excited to become a grandma for the first time . She's been with her partner coming up to a year (I know right?) but he seemed great, good looking, good job etc . Since becoming pg though , he's turned into the bf from hell 😢 He's easily led by his mates that she thought he'd got away from but they seem to lure him back to the fold with alcohol and cocaine . He turns into a monster .. comes home paranoid and aggressive towards her . Not physical but verbal . I can't believe she got herself pg with him but he was perfect before . I'm so so upset for her . 80% of the time he's fine but that 20% of dickheadness has ruined everything. He'll lose everything and he'll have to pay for sure and probably won't get much time with the child at this rate but she never wanted this and its made her so sad. On Saturday they had the best day together , shopping for the baby , lunch, flowers etc then at home about 9pm he got a call from one of his cronies and off he went with his bank card and he knew what he was doing. She was heartbroken and came to mine as she knew he'd be back later wasted. she went back the next day, he was on a huge come down so in bed all day and he's sulked ever since . Why do some men sabotage their lives like this ? I'm so worried for her

OP posts:
Snoopdoggydog123 · 01/04/2025 01:36

Why do some women tolerate such awful behaviour?

Why haven't women been taught to raise their standards?

Why do women force innocent children to live with fathers they know will cause them trauma?

She wants this baby. Then she needs to do better by it. Because he's sure as shit not going to.

burntoutnurse · 01/04/2025 02:56

She needs to leave him now! Before there’s a baby involved!

2catsandhappy · 01/04/2025 04:12

So not a planned pregnancy and he is reacting badly. Actions speak louder than words.

Well, she doesn't put his name on the birth certificate and plans for single parent hood would be my advice.
Start looking for a child minder.
Look up what maintenance he could be liable for.
If your dd can get him to pay half for those bigger expenses now, eg cot, pram, that would be good.
I hope they don't live together.

Baby will be loved enough by their mum.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 01/04/2025 04:21

2catsandhappy · 01/04/2025 04:12

So not a planned pregnancy and he is reacting badly. Actions speak louder than words.

Well, she doesn't put his name on the birth certificate and plans for single parent hood would be my advice.
Start looking for a child minder.
Look up what maintenance he could be liable for.
If your dd can get him to pay half for those bigger expenses now, eg cot, pram, that would be good.
I hope they don't live together.

Baby will be loved enough by their mum.

Completely agree, don't put his name on the birth certificate

He's shown her who he is. She needs to be prepared to raise this baby on her own, with your loving support.

He's easily led, maybe, but no-one is forcing him to go out and do this. It's a choice he is making.

BlondiePortz · 01/04/2025 05:04

What have his looks got to do with anything, and the cocaine use new or 'he promised to change for me' use, she needs to set the bar higher to start with there is no way he was genuinley perfect before, all she can do is join the thousands of other single parents and cope as best she can living where she is before she has to move back with you, I presume you will be child care now?

Istilldontlikeolives · 01/04/2025 05:17

if he was involved in that kind of thing already she was a bit silly to get involved with him. He wasn’t a great person at all. She needs to get away and stay away from him now.

Lotsofsnacks · 01/04/2025 05:35

That’s why you don’t rush, and have a baby with someone you haven’t long known! He’s obviously v immature and still living his wild youth. He doesn’t have to go out and get wasted every weekend (obviously having a few beers with mates is nice, but he’s abusing drugs and having big come downs), now his partner is expecting, but he is choosing to. Hes obviously not ready for fatherhood, so I wouldn’t be expecting him to change after baby is here, if he’s so easily influenced by his mates. Such a shame but if he doesn’t grow up and realise he can’t act this way around a young baby, your DS will have to start making plans to bring baby up on her own

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 01/04/2025 06:43

Cocaine surprise surprise..it really turns people into pricks and bugger having some paranoid coke head having a go at you.
She needs to kick loser boy out.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 01/04/2025 06:57

Doubt she will get CM from a coke head.

Original poster
DennyDoll · 01/04/2025 12:18

Thanks for the replies , although to be fair, feel worse than before.

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 01/04/2025 12:23

DennyDoll · 01/04/2025 12:18

Thanks for the replies , although to be fair, feel worse than before.

In terms of the father of her child, she chose…poorly. There’s no way around that, unfortunately.

pikkumyy77 · 01/04/2025 12:27

Well no one can make this situation any better. A man who prefers cocaine and going out with his guy friends to domesticity and babies is not going to change. You and your daughter need to stop fantasizing that he is alternating between “good bf” and “monster” bf. Its just one person who is an addict who will do and say anything to get back to his real love: co aine and his mates. He also liked unprotected sex with your dd but as the availability if that decreases snd she starts putting the baby first he will become even worse to her.

Help her get ready to cut ties and be a single mother. He will not clean up his act for her.

SirDanielBrackley · 01/04/2025 12:30

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 01/04/2025 06:43

Cocaine surprise surprise..it really turns people into pricks and bugger having some paranoid coke head having a go at you.
She needs to kick loser boy out.

This x 1000.
Do not put loserboy's name on the birth cert as the father.

Original poster
DennyDoll · 02/04/2025 00:19

i brought up my daughters alone for most of their lives, their dad was pretty useless to them and i'm proud of the wonderful women they've become. I guess I never wanted the same for them but I think it's something they're not afraid of, they saw me find myself when their dad left, and I worked hard for them and they saw that and I'll be there for them till my last breath . She's having a boy and all I can hope for is that with us around him, he'll become a man far better than his father and his grandfather as we won't allow him to become anything else . That's what's wrong with how boys have turned out today with all the problems they have . Drugs / Incels/ non binary .. blah blah blah .. nope! Not happening

OP posts:
LilacPeony · 02/04/2025 00:23

Snoopdoggydog123 · 01/04/2025 01:36

Why do some women tolerate such awful behaviour?

Why haven't women been taught to raise their standards?

Why do women force innocent children to live with fathers they know will cause them trauma?

She wants this baby. Then she needs to do better by it. Because he's sure as shit not going to.

Yes, men's poor behaviour is all women's fault. Not men's responsibility at all. 🙄

BlondiePortz · 02/04/2025 01:03

LilacPeony · 02/04/2025 00:23

Yes, men's poor behaviour is all women's fault. Not men's responsibility at all. 🙄

Show quote history

Men's behaviour is no one else's fault except their own, but it is women's choice who they date, have a relationship with, sleep with and have children with that is their choice

and how many women repeatedly make that choice of unsuitable men then it all goes wrong then their children continue the cycle?

VoltaireMittyDream · 02/04/2025 01:11

Snoopdoggydog123 · 01/04/2025 01:36

Why do some women tolerate such awful behaviour?

Why haven't women been taught to raise their standards?

Why do women force innocent children to live with fathers they know will cause them trauma?

She wants this baby. Then she needs to do better by it. Because he's sure as shit not going to.

Can we please not somehow make this man’s shitty behaviour the OP’s fault?? Wtaf. Men will never be held responsible for their abuse so long as we insist on blaming it on the women who should have known better than to have it happen to them (or their daughters!) in the first place.

Jesus wept, the misogyny that passes for feminism here sometimes.

BoredZelda · 02/04/2025 01:12

He isn’t being lured by his friends, he is making his own choices. Don’t make excuses for him, encourage and support her to leave him.

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 01:17

He was perfect for what, the eight weeks she knew him before “unexpectedly falling pregnant”???

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 01:18

VoltaireMittyDream · 02/04/2025 01:11

Can we please not somehow make this man’s shitty behaviour the OP’s fault?? Wtaf. Men will never be held responsible for their abuse so long as we insist on blaming it on the women who should have known better than to have it happen to them (or their daughters!) in the first place.

Jesus wept, the misogyny that passes for feminism here sometimes.

Show quote history

His behaviour isn’t her fault but her folly in allowing herself to be impregnated by a bare acquaintance certainly is.

when the fuck are women going to raise their standards??

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 01:19

BlondiePortz · 02/04/2025 01:03

Men's behaviour is no one else's fault except their own, but it is women's choice who they date, have a relationship with, sleep with and have children with that is their choice

and how many women repeatedly make that choice of unsuitable men then it all goes wrong then their children continue the cycle?

Show quote history

Well said.

We women hold the power and choice.

LilacPeony · 02/04/2025 02:30

VoltaireMittyDream · 02/04/2025 01:11

Can we please not somehow make this man’s shitty behaviour the OP’s fault?? Wtaf. Men will never be held responsible for their abuse so long as we insist on blaming it on the women who should have known better than to have it happen to them (or their daughters!) in the first place.

Jesus wept, the misogyny that passes for feminism here sometimes.

Show quote history

So true. Well said. Unbelievable

LilacPeony · 02/04/2025 02:32

TheHerboriste · 02/04/2025 01:18

His behaviour isn’t her fault but her folly in allowing herself to be impregnated by a bare acquaintance certainly is.

when the fuck are women going to raise their standards??

Show quote history

When the fuck are men going to raise their standards?

LilacPeony · 02/04/2025 02:34

VoltaireMittyDream · 02/04/2025 01:11

Can we please not somehow make this man’s shitty behaviour the OP’s fault?? Wtaf. Men will never be held responsible for their abuse so long as we insist on blaming it on the women who should have known better than to have it happen to them (or their daughters!) in the first place.

Jesus wept, the misogyny that passes for feminism here sometimes.

Show quote history

I don't think it's always women posting misogyny on mumsnet. Mumsnet attracts misogynist men who sometimes pretend to be women

Shitmonger · 02/04/2025 03:35

I dream of the day that women who call themselves feminists and yet insist that women are never responsible for their own actions and choices achieve self-awareness and release that they too are misogynists. One of the most insidious types of misogynist, in fact, because they encourage women to remain powerless, not take control of their own lives, and to repeat the same mistakes.

OP, it sounds like she has a great support system around her and that you are ready to step up and help her. When she seems ready, it would be a good idea for her to have some therapy. It sounds like she knows that there’s no future with him which is one of the hardest parts to get through but she will also need to protect her son from having to be around his father while he’s high on cocaine or coming down from it. Good luck. It won’t be easy (unless he helpfully pisses off) but you’ll all get through it together. 💐