Gutted and livid at same time

[DennyDoll]

My daughter is 29, and having a baby in July . She was over the moon and I'm so excited to become a grandma for the first time . She's been with her partner coming up to a year (I know right?) but he seemed great, good looking, good job etc . Since becoming pg though , he's turned into the bf from hell 😢 He's easily led by his mates that she thought he'd got away from but they seem to lure him back to the fold with alcohol and cocaine . He turns into a monster .. comes home paranoid and aggressive towards her . Not physical but verbal . I can't believe she got herself pg with him but he was perfect before . I'm so so upset for her . 80% of the time he's fine but that 20% of dickheadness has ruined everything. He'll lose everything and he'll have to pay for sure and probably won't get much time with the child at this rate but she never wanted this and its made her so sad. On Saturday they had the best day together , shopping for the baby , lunch, flowers etc then at home about 9pm he got a call from one of his cronies and off he went with his bank card and he knew what he was doing. She was heartbroken and came to mine as she knew he'd be back later wasted. she went back the next day, he was on a huge come down so in bed all day and he's sulked ever since . Why do some men sabotage their lives like this ? I'm so worried for her

Ah of course it's all the womens fault and responsibility isn't it?
Nice little dig at the op in your second sentence there too! It's not the coke addled prats fault but it's somehow ops fault for "not teaching her to raise her standards"....!

She needs to be strong and put her foot down and make her boundaries clear.
Hopefully he is being a typical man(boy), frightened of being a parent, unable to express his feelings or admit he is scared.
Your daughter needs to make it clear she will not tolerate this behaviour but she will work with him if he wants to be a man and do the right thing.
Hopefully he will fix up,
You’re a good mum and she is lucky to have you! Don’t forget that xx

How was he brilliant before?
Has he only just started on the coke, or was he using before the pregnancy.
If he was, that doesn't make him brilliant at all.

Little bit late but she should set her standards higher.
I would be advising her to get out now and get herself sorted before baby arrives.

Why isn’t your daughter leaving him?

Of course he's to blame. But shit people exist and shit people will continue to exist and there's nothing to eb done about it.

So why do certain women not have the good sense to not traumatise children by being with them? The minute you intbetially create another victim, you're also the perpetrator.

No one is saying it’s the woman’s fault ffs. But she needs to sort the situation. She can walk away now or stay with him and have a miserable life. It’s her responsibility now to make the correct choices for herself and her unborn child.

Give her a chance! She's only 29 and pregnant ffs!

I’m sorry OP, you’re probably feeling a bit bruised by these replies. I think quite a bit of the wisdom has been lost from here in recent years. You might also want to report your post and ask for it to be moved to the relationships board where you may find it a little more compassionate and constructive.

It’s not your daughter’s fault but it’s not going to get better. Statistically speaking, if abuse is going to occur it often starts during pregnancy and quite likely worsens once the baby is born. You might find some useful support form Women’s Aid. I think the best you can do is gently share this information with your daughter and continue to support her as you are. You sound like a great mum.

Not sure what you’re after OP? Some examples of men who changed? There will be a few but chances are she will be a single parent.
What are the practicalities? Does she have a decent job? Housing? Will she need to move back in with you?
All you can do is help her with her boundaries and be there when she needs you. No doubt she will be hopeful he will change and will put up with a lot more for a while longer.
Next step is helping her understand why she thought it was a good idea getting pregnant to some man she hardly knew. And not doing that again.

Support, compassion, a listening ear and advice, presumably. Hard and worrying situation for a mother to be in.

She needs to show him that it stops right now or he has to leave before he’s disappeared and left her with the baby.

Only 29?! That's a full grown bloody adult.
She completed all the growing required for a fully functioning brain.

The gymnastics women will do to infantalise and other women when they're being just all around thick is unbelievable.

She's pregnant because she's fucked up.

He's easily led by his mates that she thought he'd got away from but they seem to lure him back to the fold with alcohol and cocaine.

Well he wasn't that perfect before then was he. She must have had experience of his behaviour with his mates if they're "luring him back".

She's having a boy and all I can hope for is that with us around him, he'll become a man far better than his father and his grandfather as we won't allow him to become anything else.

Yeah, good luck with that one. All your child rearing to date hasn't prevented your DD settling for a bloke who puts his drink/drugs/ loser mates before her and the baby, so I wouldn't be so sure you'll shape your grandson into what you want him to be.

⬆️ this exactly.

I brought up two boys by myself (their father is in the picture but lived far away so only saw him once or twice a year and he was a recovering alcoholic).

I brought my two boys up really well with lots of love, not a shouty, yelly house, lots of communication, a strong foundation in knowing (objective) right and wrong and good manners.

They are now adult, have never been in trouble, not toxic and a joy to have around.

It can be done by a single parent as long as the present parent is a good role model for their children. I was always a good role model. Friends have told me many times over the years what a great job I have done and what great boys I have.

Mine do have a relationship with their father (long time recovered) but I am so glad I didn’t make them live with the both of us, it would have been miserable for them. There is also something really wonderful in not having to clash with another person (especially when toxic) about how to parent. I strongly advise your dd to go it alone rather than lumber that man on to that child.

Who knows? However, women still have agency. Choosing to be impregnated by such men is a terrible strategy.

So she'd only been with this man around 5 - 6 months before getting pregnant? He wasn't perfect before. She hardly knew him. I suspect he's always been like this. Perhaps the unwanted (by him) pregnancy has worsened it and he's subconsciously or potentially consciously pushing her away.

It's too late now but this is why you don't get pregnant and move in with someone who you hardly know. They might not be what you think they are.

He isn't easily led, he wants to do it.

I think she should start off by living separately. If he matures he can move in later. This way the baby isn't subjected to his rages and he can visit when he does prioritiese them.

Only 29? That's ridiculous.

Shit situation, obviously. Hopefully, for the sake of the innocent child who didn't ask to be born she will wise up and at least get away from the chaos.

Please be careful of this man.
A year ago a friend of mine could have written exactly the same post about her DD, except she was having twins. Same length of "new" relationship, same unplanned pg, same lovely guy who turned nasty.

A year later he has 4 counts of DV against him and is not allowed to see his babies. Huge amounts of angst, upset, anger, coercion. Please look out for your DD. Don't let her give up work!

The charming, good looking BF isn’t going to let go of his mates any time soon. He earns well, enjoys the company of his mates with a pound in his pocket and will spend it how he likes for a good few years yet. He will feel trapped by his GF and will resent her very quickly, if he doesn’t already. The pull of his freedom is stronger than the pull of fatherhood. His drug habit makes the predicament for your DD even more untenable. It’s her sole responsibility to protect their child and herself from his drug riven abuse. She needs her own home for herself and the baby, well away from him. Does she have that OP and a good job at least?

If the baby is due in July, there is nothing for it but to accept the inevitable as soon as possible, and learn from it.

Your DD was looking for love, and you thought she might have learned lessons from your bad experiences but it doesn’t work that way OP as you have realised. She settled far too quickly given all you expected her to have learned. Even now, there’s a sense from your words that you feel there’s a good chance he will suddenly, magically come to his senses and drop his mates, socialising and bad habits.

As mothers, we really must hammer home the need for protection against pregnancy until both prospective partners are proved reliable, absolutely certain about each other, financially secure and are able to plan properly for a child.
It can never be about the strength of desire to have a new baby/grandchild and the short lived delight in becoming pregnant. It’s about commitment, timing, ability to adult, security and money, none of which was in place for your DD.

You and DD are delighted about the baby though and you seem to have the determination and experience to get through this.
I wonder how the other grandmother feels about the accidental pregnancy.
I hope that between you, you can work together for the best to support your grandson and keep him safe. Your Dd certainly has her work cut out.

While women aren't responsible for the behaviour of shitty men they can choose not to procreate with them
Your daughter hardly knew him but she must have known enough to realise what he was like (although some men seem to ramp up the shittiness when their partner is pg)
The only surprise here is that fact that you are surprised about his behaviour
Just support her to be a single mother if you can and expect nothing from her (hopefully soon to be ex) partner

This is an excellent post, and fully agree. All the best OP to your daughter and you.

Oh ffs it isn’t misogyny to say women should leave relationships where the man is a waster. Refusing to date/procreate with/tolerate shitty men absolutely is showing men they need to take responsibility for their behaviour. Nobody is saying men’s piss-poor attitudes and actions are women’s fault - they’re not. But women need to take action if they find themselves saddled with one of these men.