Family joking about me paying for things

[neglege]

I’m from a humble background, working class area, millworkers etc. Studied hard and got a job which pays relatively very good money (200k). It’s in London so everything is expensive here compared to back home. No family money for a mortgage so saving hard.

Whenever I go home I get “jokes” about how I could treat someone to something. My aunt mentioned how her niece (my cousin’s kid) had a big school trip coming up and maybe I could sort it.

Or even my own granny saying things like she needs a private medical appointment (£1,000)… maybe because her granddaughter is on big money she could treat her to it. Even though she has inherited three houses and is far more comfortable than her own kids!

True. And even harder when one has grabby relatives who feel entitled to chip away at their deposit savings.

If I earned £200k and my family were struggling, I'd absolutely treat them to things. I wouldn't want to be a csdj cow but I'd help out now and then.

They’re not joking. “ guard your purse” to quote a phrase.
You’ve worked hard for your money, and should be proud of you, not asking for handouts.
Anytime money is mentioned, smile and nod.
My DS2 had this… from his Father! Who is practically no contact.
Like you, DS2 worked hard, got a masters and is a Chartered accountant.

My DS2 pays 2k to rent a 2 bed, in central Bristol, split with his DP.

I don’t think your family are joking at all. My dh is a very high earner and there is an assumption by his family that if anyone is in trouble (or just needs money), he’s always there. When his uncle was alive, he was the one they all went to.. and they make it clear dh should be stepping into his shoes.

Please, please do not feel any guilt in laughing it off. It’s absolutely fine to love and care for your family without giving them money. If they don’t think so then they are treating you very poorly.

It is all relative. When I was a graduate earning 10k in 1997, I thought 40k was champagne and caviar money. As a household we take in around the 2025 inflationary equivalent as a joint income, it isn’t as well off as I thought I’d be on that income!

That’s not to say I’m not comfortable, we are doing well and have few money issues, but back then I had a beat up car, was paying 300 quid a month in rent, and could feed myself for 20 quid a week. Life (and housing) is a lot more expensive now.

That's nearly 10k a month net. So you could save half of that and still live comfortably. That's 60k a year savings. That's four years to save the average deposit on a 1 million pound house. What an awful situation for you op.

Maybe some of your family don't need the money but it's very difficult to have a good relationship with someone when you're really struggling and they choose not to help.

I thought that but on re-reading it's not her niece but her cousin or something.

I make about the same as OP, probably a bit more in a good year (slightly more than RELATIVELY well paid lol) and while I'm lucky that my family don't mention it, I'm from a WC background too so I buy them lots. Pay bills if they are overdue, computers for DS's kids when they started uni, pay every time we go out to eat etc. But this is only for those who I love and want to treat, even if it means big purchases I want will take longer to buy. Agree with others' advice first not to discuss pay unless you are happy for judgement, and second to decide what you want to give, if anything, and stick with that.

While you might think they have no idea how expensive life if in London, be aware that you probably have no idea what it's like to be poor and struggle in 2025, even living in a cheap area. Although your granny sounds cheeky!

It’s not £10k/mo net. OP has student loans (presumably, as she said she has a degree) and will have an auto-enroll pension.

They are very cheeky but how do they even know what you earn?

This!
I have old friends who I thought weee good friends in my home town. They choose to live in benefits (yes it is a choice -they are quite clear about the fact that they think I am a mug for working.
I foolishly confided to one of them about my diviorce and she googled my exh company and found out him much the compsny was worth, and assumed I had got half (it doesnt work that way!!)
she kept asking me to ‘lend her 10k. I said I would think about it (my dad had just died and I was very wobbly emotionally about that and the divorce) but she got very persistent and do I said if she needed an answer right now a would have UK say no as it would affect out friendship but was happy to treat her to outings etc.
She accused me of being no friend and blocked me.
We had been ‘friends’ for 50 years!

We have experienced the same - we have never shared how much we earn however dh worked for the civil service quite a few years ago and his salary was public knowledge - that coincided with the beginning of the cheeky fuckery requests - the amounts we've been asked for have been breath taking and totally unaffordable - we weren't believed that we didn't have the cash - sil fell out with us over it. We no longer spend much time with them, feeling like a cash cow isn't nice.

How rude and grabby of them - even if they do have no concept of the cost of living in London and how it may appear to be big money it won't really feel like it until several more years down the line (unless you make no effort to save for the future). Nothing makes my purse clamp shut faster than this kind of entitled attitude.

Had similar in our families but nothing as blatant as that. We and my SIL/BIL are way LESS generous than we used to be as a result. Again, none of us discuss salaries but clearly people have had a good stab at guessing. Started off being happy to pay for meals out etc and give generous gifts but it very quickly becomes expected and then barely acknowledged - then comes the entitlement - 'let's go to £££ restaurant instead this time'. We never offer to take them for meals out now (other issues besides this!).