Why are flakey people often so popular?!

[Lilajess]

Met up with a friend a few weeks ago who is notorious for letting people down. In the right mood she is so much fun (charismatic, even) but she also overcommits constantly and thinks nothing of cancelling plans if she’s not in the mood. I tend to meet up with her from time to time knowing full well it may not happen. We had a nice evening but I came away feeling fed up. She was full of chat about various upcoming weekends away, reunions, dinners, coffees…(not in a show-off way…we were just catching up…and we know some of the same people from college). She probably does more in 2 months than I do in a year!

I, on the other hand, am what you’d call ‘nice’…reliable, do what I say I’ll do, remember birthdays, special dates etc and all the things we’re supposed to if we’re trying to be a good friend. Yet, I’m never top 3 of anyone’s list for a coffee..my friend would be though! My phone is so quiet a lot of the time..I have a few local friends, and some school and college friends but we catch up sporadically and I’m certainly not fighting off invitations. I’m the kind of person people say ‘oh we must have coffee soon’ when I bump into them…but they would rarely follow up. (I used to initiate a lot of things but got fed up as I rarely got much back).

Probably confusing two issues here (my original question versus the fact that I’m a bit flat), but was curious as to whether anyone else has noticed this.

I haven’t noticed this but just reading what she does made me feel tired so I imagine she is a lovely person who enjoys making plans when excited and then gets socially worn out.

Don’t worry. It’s nothing bad about you. You’re steady and people enjoy seeing you. She’s just very exciting and puts loads of effort in or isn’t there. And some ppl enjoy cancelled plans. I’m not sure how to word that and have it sound like the compliment I intended but please know it is.

I’m quite old so don’t let myself make the exciting plans much anymore. It’s spontaneous or nothing because I will always prefer to be at home under a blanket with a book or tv on the day.

You answered the question yourself: In the right mood she is so much fun (charismatic, even) she presumably suggests a lot of things that sound good fun, so people say yes.

Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen!

I don't think flakey people are intentionally mean but I think it is a bit of an inate behaviour to try to seek approval from those that seem busy because they must be important somehow (or popular). We're all seeking approval whether you admit it to yourself or not.

I suppose because every time she cancels there is some drama which is entertaining in its telling. And people get carried away with that and gloss over the cause.

I, on the other hand, am what you’d call ‘nice’…reliable, do what I say I’ll do, remember birthdays, special dates etc and all the things we’re supposed to if we’re trying to be a good friend. Yet, I’m n

Id like a funny ,fun friend - one who remembers birthdays is a nuisance cos then I’ve to remember hers back -and I’ve a bad memory

Nice doesn’t mean fun I’m afraid, that’s the bottom line, I probably don’t come across well on MN. I find writing slightly tedious. Now if this was a chat forum where you actually spoke, that’s what I’m good at. Am I especially nice? Not really, I’m not obnoxious but I would never use the word nice to describe myself.

Fun people can get away with being flakey because people still want to see them even after being let down. Nice but dull people (not saying this is you OP) can’t afford to be flakey.

I had a friend like this. He'd say he was coming to see you then just wouldn't show up or forgot he'd made plans.

He was extremely popular as he was very good fun and very funny.

Well, they're more fun because they are not conscientious, but they're also a pain in the arse because they are not conscientious
Good job we are all different

It’s a bit like why we have favourite celebrities- some people just amuse or entertain and that’s why people are drawn to them.

It’s better to be thought of as nice rather than standoffish or rude. It’s one of those things where you just need some self acceptance that maybe you are not the life & soul of the party and so won’t ever have people clamouring to hear what you’ve been up to but that doesn’t mean the friends you have don’t value you.

I choose my friends purely because I enjoy their company. Whether they remember my birthday, or are ‘reliable’ isn’t my priority. You don’t earn friendship by being ‘nice’ any more than you do by being able to juggle, unless the other person prioritises that.

My guess is that she tosses out a wide net and will say yes to everyone and everything and actively recruits new people. This is why she cancels so much. Because she over promises but under delivers.

You probably do the opposite. You always do what you say you’ll do and never cancel, so you don’t actively work to find 20 people to do things with this month.

Some people just churn through social connections. I have friends who literally are booked 9am to 7pm (they have a baby and a toddler) every Saturday and Sunday with seeing friends and family. Like they never just have a day to just sit at home and play in the garden. Saturday is museum date with friends from baby group then lunch out then birthday party then coffee with granny then hosting friends for dinner and Sunday is beach day with mums from nursery then shopping with other granny then off to some random bakery to meet a friend from uni and then stop at the playground to see someone before dinner and bathtime.

Literally, they exhaust me just being around them and hearing them stress and argue about the logistics of making it all happen. They only visit us once a year usually, but I feel like I need to lie down in a dark room after they leave. It’s intense. 😂 I am not like that, I’m happy with my 5 friends and seeing them like once a month!

I can relate to your friend, I was like this when I was younger, a massive people pleaser. It wasn’t conscious, I just didn’t like saying no and always felt I had to please everyone. It made me very popular but I got totally burnt out eventually.
your friend won’t mean to be flaky, she’ll likely have good intentions, but just can’t keep up!

She probably has more to talk about because she’s always so busy doing stuff with a wide social circle. I have a friend like this but since getting a bit older I’ve found she triggers a migraine in me. Too full on.

Because they’re full of shit and people fall for it.

This.

If they constantly let you down, they are not a good friend. They are not respecting you or your time (of which we have a finite amount).

There are people who would persevere with the 'friendship' because of how 'fun' they are. I'm not one of them. And those are not real friendships.

I don't like flakes. But also niceness isn't the only thing I consider when making friends.

I once had a person like this accidentally admit to me: “I just have so many plans, and I accidentally say yes to them all and then I have to let the person I want to see the least know I can’t make it!”… she was always cancelling on me, so that was a fun way to find out I was the least important…

But why is your way better than hers? People have good and bad points it is not a competition

Yeah and maybe expect it too so it doesn't bother them. One of my friends is always late, I know this so it doenst bother me and I expect it.

I don’t like people like your friend, OP. I find them draining, superficial and I’d rather watch Netflix for entertainment purposes. I won’t find validation, support, a connection with someone who thinks their role is solely to be the centre of attention. And in my experience, this kind of people are the loneliest, some of the most insecure and emotionally immature.

Sure, they have some lovely qualities too, I’m not saying they’re bad people, but all I see is the desperation of filling a massive void inside them.

So you do you, OP, you choose who you want to be.

I know someone like this. She spreads herself thin messaging everyone, her phone is constantly going, she tells people different things and different versions of events and no one calls her out on it. She can be a bit mean too but only to some people yet people love her.

Also, being the sort of person who is 100 miles per hour and needs lots of different activities tends to co occur with forgetfulness or inattention. Not always full ADHD, but still traits that go together.