Why are flakey people often so popular?!

[Lilajess]

Met up with a friend a few weeks ago who is notorious for letting people down. In the right mood she is so much fun (charismatic, even) but she also overcommits constantly and thinks nothing of cancelling plans if she’s not in the mood. I tend to meet up with her from time to time knowing full well it may not happen. We had a nice evening but I came away feeling fed up. She was full of chat about various upcoming weekends away, reunions, dinners, coffees…(not in a show-off way…we were just catching up…and we know some of the same people from college). She probably does more in 2 months than I do in a year!

I, on the other hand, am what you’d call ‘nice’…reliable, do what I say I’ll do, remember birthdays, special dates etc and all the things we’re supposed to if we’re trying to be a good friend. Yet, I’m never top 3 of anyone’s list for a coffee..my friend would be though! My phone is so quiet a lot of the time..I have a few local friends, and some school and college friends but we catch up sporadically and I’m certainly not fighting off invitations. I’m the kind of person people say ‘oh we must have coffee soon’ when I bump into them…but they would rarely follow up. (I used to initiate a lot of things but got fed up as I rarely got much back).

Probably confusing two issues here (my original question versus the fact that I’m a bit flat), but was curious as to whether anyone else has noticed this.

She is energetic charismatic and fun.
Nothing wrong with being steady though.
I get described as weird , bubbly full of beans.
Some people can't keep up and others love the random nature of us.
The world needs steady people and outside the box ones.

I imagine her friends might be similarly flaky?

I also think people are becoming more flaky. I’ve really stopped making an effort because I’m tired of being the one to host/pay/arrange and have people flake on me.

I find it difficult to be consistent. I can’t pace myself, so I’m either really enjoying the moment, or I’m knackered. I can’t plan for that though.

I also take my energy from those around me, so if I was knackered and knew I was meeting up with someone who was quite flat, I’d struggle.

I think she says yes to everything but prioritizes at the last minute where it benefits her most hence cancelling, a grasshopper mind.

I don’t think flakey people are particularly “popular” though I think they probably don’t realise how often others say yes to their suggestions because they are sorry for them. The “flakiest” person I know is for the most part, totally oblivious to how uninvested people are in them being anywhere but invite them to try and sooth whatever causes their unusual overcommitment. I don’t think anyone gets particularly cross or upset with them anymore. People are who they are.

I have a friend who is like this. I can definitely relate to her being so charismatic when she is in the right sort of mood.

In her case she has (diagnosed) manic depression * that she does not always manage well as when she is on a high she stops taking her meds. After 20 years of being let down constantly and having to negotiate her mood swings I have had to draw back for my own wellbeing and the wellbeing of my vulnerable 14 year old (who is her god child and to whom she promises much and delivers nothing).

*ETA- she tells me this is her diagnosis. Obviously I can only go by what she says before anyone jumps down my throat for misunderstanding or being ignorant etc.

Her charisma and her flakiness are linked but it's her charisma that attracts people, not her flakiness.

Whereas I think the flakiness has nothing to do with the popularity of an individual. I think that person’s company is clearly enjoyable enough for people to like seeing her when they do see her, rather than seeing her cancelling as sufficient motivation for ‘going NC’ as so many Mners do. A lot of posters on here don’t understand friendships at all, and think reliability is a key reason why someone should be friends with them. You see it all the time — ‘I’m nice, reliable, always ready to help! Why does no one want to be my friend?’

I know someone just like this. Cancels all the time but always out doing facebook worthy day trips with people. I think that is part of the attraction - she has a huge fb following and when she puts photo's up she's done the hard work to promote them too? Not sure if that makes sense. I keep her at arms distance now purely because she cancelled on me with an excuse then posted something from the same day a week later, so I knew it was a lie and just couldn't be arsed to play the endless game of "am I worthy of her time". She is also lovely and clearly knows she has the social cachet to let people down without them holding it against her.

She sounds like the type of person who has very superficial friendships.. lots of friends but hos many of them are genuine friendships?

If you want to have a more active social life it's best to take a proactive approach and make the plans yourself. I get that it can be a pain when it isn't reciprocated, or it feels unequal, but in my experience, most people are followers not leaders. Take the lead! At least then, you can plan things you want to do.

Your flakey friend is charismatic and fun, that's why. As for your phone being quiet, find other ways to keep busy. Work, join stuff you enjoy, keep yourself busy so you're not waiting for your phone to ring.

I’ve had friends like this. They’re flakey with me, not with others. I think I’m just boring. I’m not fun like these people. A natural introvert so it doesn’t come easily to me. These charismatic types don’t seek me out but they do seek out others. I’ve just come to accept it now and have stopped bothering trying to meet with them and meet with a few others more like me. It’s hard to accept sometimes but what can you do.

She’s popular because she’s fun and charismatic, not because she’s flaky. She probably has loads of friends, so if she pisses someone off and they drop her, their loss won’t be felt because there will be others to fill the gap. People like this find it easy to make new friends so their circle is always wide. They will always get invited to stuff because their presence makes for a good time.

They probably don’t realise that life isn’t like that for everyone, so they might not really realise the impact that their flaky behaviour has on others.

I have some friends like this, and I’ve started finding flakiness really, really irritating, so recently I’ve stopped making arrangements with them. If they’re there at a gathering, then great, lovely, I’ll enjoy their company. But I’m not putting effort in to make plans with them

I think it’s good to have a pot pourri of friends actually. Some close, some peripheral, some solid, reliable types, some charismatic flakes. They are good in different scenarios. If I wanted to confide in someone about something that’s upsetting me, I wouldn’t ask a flake to meet for a coffee. If I was up for a wild night out with a lot of laughs, I might not choose reliable but reserved friend. And that’s ok.

As others have said, people are different. Take them as they are, and don’t have unrealistic expectations. If the friendship doesn’t work for you, find other friends who do.

'I won’t find validation, support, a connection with someone who thinks their role is solely to be the centre of attention'

They're all the things I'm looking for in a friendship too. I know people who are great fun but totally unreliable, and while I enjoy seeing them in small doses, I don't put any effort into maintaining the relationship, and don't really consider them friends in a meaningful way. It seems like for some people, the fun is the priority and they see stuff like remembering birthdays as a massive chore. Different priorities.

I do think there's a lot to be said for meeting people where they are at and not trying to change them, or yourself for that matter

Have you tried actually organising stuff with the people you bump into? We must meet for a coffee is normally code for can't be bothered with you but don't want to say so. Maybe you're putting friends off by accident

I think we are agreeing with each other??

Yes, probably!

I couldn’t care less if someone forgets my birthday or cancels on me

if I like hanging out with them then I will

I think that’s an odd interpretation. Meet for coffee means “I like you and want to have a natter”, here.

Actually meeting for coffee means that! Saying ‘We must meet for coffee sometime’ without then actually suggesting dates or pushing ahead with it means ‘I’m just saying this. Let’s never meet’!

I think you can be reliable and fun, the two things aren’t mutually exclusive 😊 I ‘remember’ birthdays etc because they are in my phone calendar and recur every year - it’s hardly a big deal.

I think it’s important to have your own interests and things and share them as a friend or a partner. It’s easy to fall into being a support human and people don’t respect that I’m afraid. Be your own main character 😊

I guess that depends on friendship level. With my good friends it means let's organise something in the near future knowing we'll actually do it. Have you never had more distant friends or colleagues do it where it means if you like me enough to message me later to organise something I'll happily say yes but I'm not bothered enough to arrange something and won't be upset if you don't? Maybe that's cultural differences.

More likely people just don’t have their diary. I have lots of friends who vaguely say let’s meet for coffee sometime and mean it, because we do and have for years.

The perceived value of scarcity. This friend seems to give off the vibe of living a full and exciting life. Whereas you’re stable and slower pace.

Your goal should be to not let it bother you. You just have to do/be you, and how you want it. If you want something else, be different, but don’t try to please others.

Accept a flakey friendship for what it is, she won’t change. Enjoy her company when you do meet up. But don’t be overly keen, maybe cancel her sometimes. I have a friend like this, I take it for what it is now and put more effort into my closer friendships.