Why are flakey people often so popular?!

[Lilajess]

Met up with a friend a few weeks ago who is notorious for letting people down. In the right mood she is so much fun (charismatic, even) but she also overcommits constantly and thinks nothing of cancelling plans if she’s not in the mood. I tend to meet up with her from time to time knowing full well it may not happen. We had a nice evening but I came away feeling fed up. She was full of chat about various upcoming weekends away, reunions, dinners, coffees…(not in a show-off way…we were just catching up…and we know some of the same people from college). She probably does more in 2 months than I do in a year!

I, on the other hand, am what you’d call ‘nice’…reliable, do what I say I’ll do, remember birthdays, special dates etc and all the things we’re supposed to if we’re trying to be a good friend. Yet, I’m never top 3 of anyone’s list for a coffee..my friend would be though! My phone is so quiet a lot of the time..I have a few local friends, and some school and college friends but we catch up sporadically and I’m certainly not fighting off invitations. I’m the kind of person people say ‘oh we must have coffee soon’ when I bump into them…but they would rarely follow up. (I used to initiate a lot of things but got fed up as I rarely got much back).

Probably confusing two issues here (my original question versus the fact that I’m a bit flat), but was curious as to whether anyone else has noticed this.

Perhaps she’s the one that proactively arranges things and accepts every friendship that comes her way, trying to please everyone but ends up be flaky because she can’t commit to anything.

Im more like you, not invited often but then again I don’t often do the inviting! I’m a reliable good friend to the few I have though and I enjoy having my own space.

Yep, this basically. I have 2 very close friends who happen to be great company and incredibly reliable/nice. So that's great.

But for all the rest of my friends, I chose them because they're fun and engaging. Or because they share an interest of mine (and are also fun). If they're not sharply intelligent and share my sense of (very black) humour then they just don't make the cut. Sorry.

I really don't care whether they send me a birthday card or are instantly available to take me to a hospital appointment.

I feel that some people find it difficult to understand friendships, and see them as rational rather than instinctive.
In my opinion friendships are more similar to relationships than people think.
There needs to be a connection, and this will depend very much on personality, not something like whether you answer texts immediately or never change plans.

Also, perceiving “popular” as being better than someone who only has a few friends through choice is another superficial way of considering friendships.

Thank you all. Some really interesting points here. I agree that describing myself as ‘nice’ does actually sound a bit weird…maybe ‘thoughtful’ would have been a better word. I also think I do see friendship in slightly transactional terms (not sure if that is the right word either)…’I got in touch with x last time, therefore it must be their turn to get in touch with me’..the post above about connection is interesting…

You said you came away feeling fed up. If that’s a standard reaction following meeting up, I would concentrate on that rather than what’s she does or doesn’t do.

Good friends lift you up and make you feel good. Does she ever do that?

I’m introverted and a steady eddie. I’ve always been described as ‘nice’. I’m pretty funny but people don’t see that until they get to know me. I’m also very good at listening and not judging. People often open up to me. Like you, I’m lower down the list of people you’d invite.

I would say that you just need to view her as an acquaintance and seek out more solid friends who are a bit more like you. It sounds like reliability and thoughtfulness are important to you and that’s no bad thing.

I work with someone very similar to your friend and I often hear her giving different versions of events depending on who she is speaking to. I take a lot of what she says with a pinch of salt.

This last line.