What's happening to the young men?

[MrsSchrute]

This post is prompted by an article in the Guardian about the murderer of Amie Grey, who has been sentenced to 39 years.
His psychiatric report said he had: 'repressed socially induced trauma resulting from a combination of real and perceived rejections and social humiliations resulting in him feeling alien from general society, a social misfit, somebody who had hardly any friends at school, had never had a girlfriend and seemed to be avoided”

He came from a loving family and had never been in trouble before.

Now, obviously he should absolutely be in prison for what he did, and there is no excuse.

Why is it that more and more young men seem to be so seperate from society? Has it always been the case? Is it the easy access that the internet allows to extremist material that's the issue? What can we, or society, do to stop this??

This is all on men. They need to provide good role models for the upcoming generation. Unfortunately too many of them don’t bother hanging around to bring their sons up and are too busy wanking over porn or getting off on Andrew Tate toxic masculinity to give a shit.

NAMALT obvs. But too many.

First post eloquently nails it.

Has anybody seen the documentary on channel 4 about incels. Worrying stuff.

Available on catch up.

A lot are unemployed young men staying at home with mental health problems and just rotting online.

Something must be happening at a young age for them to be so disengaged as young adults. Is the education system working? Is it online content? Something in society has gone wrong.

@hookeywoleI agree, something clearly isn't working. I do agree that some of it is down to absent or rubbish Dad's, but it has to be more than that.

Are there more single mums now vs 20 years ago? It's got to be a combination of things but exactly what I don't know. I was talking about this at work as a boy at my colleagues child's school had tragically taken his own life. I think society is failing young boys but I'm not sure how we fix it.

It's very concerning 😟

There’s a big gap between aspiration and reality.

We are courted by the media to be good looking, immaculately presented, high earners with a big social group.

Few people can manage all that. Many end up trapped with their parents or in HMOs, no chance of earning enough to buy a house while spending money on a social life, not genetically blessed with looking great or being clever… and supposed to have quite a consumerist lifestyle too.

It’s not possible for the majority of people to buy all the things, do all the things, look great, work hard, earn a lot.

So it’s really easy for them to feel like failures. The gap between what’s available and what they’re supposed to achieve is just too big.

@myplace I think that is a huge problem for young people regardless of sex. Everything is so much materialistic & superficial

I heard in the radio that teens are more likely to own a smartphone than have a dad living with them. Not a surprise really as over 95% of teens must have a phone, but the point is that's where they are discovering male opinions and behaviour and finding role models.

My DC's dad is a terrible role model so the less time with him, the better imo.

For now, for my DC, I think they're sensible and intelligent enough not to be too swayed by content they see, but I do restrict their access.

I think that spending too much time online has contributed to incel types feeling FOMO. Instant access to extreme porn yet discovering that real life sex isn’t instant probably fuels their anger and and a belief in manosphere stuff like the top 80% of women are dating the top 20% of men so 80% of men are being denied sex.

I agree @hookeywole but girls’ distress tends to turn inwards, so self harm, perfectionism, risky behaviour, orthorexia etc. They are more likely to be pursued by boys at some level regardless of conforming to beauty standards because, you know, men. They are more likely to be hiding from male attention than desiring it.

Boys’ are more likely to act out, to become aggressive.

@myplacethats a really interesting point. I think you're totally right. So really, things aren't working for young men or women!
What do we do????

There's rarely such a thing as a "single mum", only widows with children and mothers raising the children of unsuitable or absent fathers. The number of women "going it alone" by choice is vanishingly small.

@myplace maybe that's where society is failing boys then but how do you fix it.

There's rarely such a thing as a "single mum", only widows with children and mothers raising the children of unsuitable or absent fathers

As I was replying to a post discussing the lack of good male role models in some dcs lives I thought it was obvious I was not talking about mums who chose to parent alone....

All the mums I know who left shit partners call themselves single mums, what should they identify as?

the top 80% of women are dating the top 20% of men

Maybe we should focus on critical thinking and maths skills for boys (girls as well, but it's boys who need it to stop them from lapping this nonsense up) because this assertion doesn't make sense if you know that women are half of the global population because.the numbers literally don't add up. Yes, some jurisdictions permit polygamy, but those jurisdictions aren't noted for letting women choose their husbands.

Instant access to extreme porn

I think there is a lot of conflicting messages around social media which is confusing for boys and girls. On the one hand it's empowering to post revealing pictures etc but society does judge that even if we are not meant to.

People don’t like change when it doesn’t benefit them. Men got all the jobs, held all the power, often without the knowledge or experience to back it up. The power was taken for granted, and times have thankfully changed. Despite the narrative of those in power (mostly white, middle-late aged, male) of ‘hard work gets results’, this often wasn’t the case for those who did and didn’t fit that image. Now those who don’t fit that model are getting the jobs and power, just being a man isn’t enough anymore and this is hard to deal with for some.

When I was a teenager I regularly went to two different youth clubs. Lots of activities, both on site and further afield. Good role models for leaders, always an adult willing to listen to anyone who needed it, zero tolerance for bad behaviour so everyone toed the line.

There are no youth clubs in my town, just a couple of uniformed groups which most teenagers find very uncool.

I wonder if the lack of youth clubs is a factor?

Just this week I've been reading the 'Anxious Generation' about the dangers of social media.

One chapter is about boys and how their lives moved from the real world into the virtual world and how they have disengaged from it.

It details the effects of:

deindustrialisation (which made traditional masculine strengths become less important)

'safetyism' (keeping kids off the streets, not letting them play out or roam free, being over protective around safety)

the rise of video games/ pornography and social media which allowed boys to have facsimiles of what they desired without getting what they truly wanted. Leading to alienation and frustration.

The term "single mum" is used in the press to demonise mothers who are doing their best in adverse circumstances. When discussing the failures of absent fathers, I think that our language should emphasise that the problem is absent fathers.

Talking about the increase in single mums is highlighting the wrong set of parents.

Now those who don’t fit that model are getting the jobs and power, just being a man isn’t enough anymore and this is hard to deal with for some.

But is there a conversation to be had around what a man should be these days? Because on one hand being a man isn't enough & women can do whatever a man does (rightfully so) but I think society still puts pressure on men to be breadwinners, not cry etc.

Too many in the younger age group 16 to 24 are NEETS. Not in employment education or training. Gives them too much time to form twisted views online.

Perhaps the government could insist they do a certain number of hours of weekly volunteer work rather than just nothing. Might help them branch out gsin new skills etc.

Not enough jobs, getting pointless degrees and less socialising and not a very bright future for so many.

the internet/social media is a lot to blame.