Adult children moved out, how often do you seen them?

[Mawmawmaw]

DS is 24 and moved into a house with his lovely GF last summer. They live about 5 minutes car ride away.
They seem very happy and I made a promise to them and myself that I’d never turn up unannounced and we wouldn’t be popping in all the time - we wanted them to settle in and enjoy their new home together.

I hardly ever see them though! DS & GF will only come to us if I’ve cooked a big meal and have some leftovers and then when it’s offered it not always taken up. I try and pop to see them every few weeks but it’s all a bit awkward and I never stay long.

DS is a lovely lad but is and always has been a little distant so there’s no change really, it’s just that he has no reason to contact us now or come to us unless there’s a specific reason.

I drop a text into the WhatsApp group once or twice a week just asking they’re ok and I usually get ‘yep all fine etc’ but no more.

I have to say I feel a bit sad, I do miss DS (even though he was a bit distant even when he lived here).

Is this unusual? What’s the norm for you?

They live 5 minutes away and you only see them every few weeks? That's actually really sad. When my parents lived 2+ hours away I went up for a weekend every couple of months. Now my mum lives 5 mins drive away and I see her at least once a week. Food doesn't have to be involved, it's usually just a cuppa and cake.

DD1 28 lives in an adjacent borough but 20 minute drive. Longer by bike or public transport - about once a week on average. Including regular emergencies with disabled dog we are caring for (she’s a vet).

DD2 25 lives 1.15 hours away by car - other side of London. About twice a week on average. She stays over if socialising locally.

On the other side of the coin, I see my own mum about once a month - she’s a 7 hour drive away other end of the country. More obligation than pleasure though as she is elderly and needs help but a horrible person.

DH sees his mum about every 2 months. She’s a plane ride away in Ireland.

It will really vary. DBro1 sees my Mum most days but I see Mum once or twice a year. Guess who lives next door and who lives in another country?

I have use food to entice DS back to the house, or ask him to come and help me with something. He's not good a responding to texts. He lives about 15 mins walk away and doesn't have a gf. I try and get him round once a week but it can be less. I don't go round to his.

My dds are away an university so I see them every few weeks.

We all use the family what's app too.

You say it’s odd; but miss the fact there is a direct link between my shitty parents and my great relationships with my adult children. I would imagine this is the same in many families.

never said they wanted to I was stating my situation and how I felt I wasn’t questioning anyone else situations or feelings !
Hope your ok ❤️

@Londontown12

yes, thanks ❤️

MN is odd because everyone seems to see their young adult children for dinner four times a week, but is no contact with their own parents.
Anyway, I see mine maybe once every three months. But they are enjoying their lives! I'm happy for them.

I agree with what others have said about not wanting to create the same patterns.

I virtually did the opposite of what my mum thought right from them being babies to the present day.

No prizes for who has the closet bond with all their children.
I never critised their weight, their choice of partners, what they wore. I never bollocked them for being 10mins late after curfew. I got to know their friends.
I treated them now and then 'just because.' I spent one to one time with them, I showed up. I didn't mock their efforts if they made something and it didn't work out. I didn't call them stupid for failing their driving test, I encouraged them to leave college when it was making one of them unhappy and to pursue his dream occupation. The list goes on.

I think the parent usually sets the dynamic and then it's hard to change. So if you said, I'll leave you to it, don't want to disturb, I won't come unannounced etc then that's what happens.

What would you like to do with your son when you see him? I think food being involved is totally normal when an adult dc comes to visit. It doesn't have to be fancy, but isn't cooking for visitors something we all just do?

Are you imagining him coming for a coffee and a chat for an hour or something like that? TBH that wouldn't put him out too much as he lives so close by. I wonder how often his gf sees her family.

My 2 eldest, probably about once every 6 weeks? One lives in the next town, the other about 100 miles away.
Me and dh prob saw our parents more at the same age, but that was us putting the effort it.
I don't take not seeing more of them as an issue.

DD1 lives 5.5 hours away. See her maybe 4/5 times per year. DD2 has moved about 1.5 hours away. We have seen her 3 times this year already as it's easier to just pop in when we are in her city.

Adult child here! I see my parents who live 3 hours away about once a fortnight (I’m a SAHM and they’re retired) but talk everyday on family WhatsApp. My husband last saw his mum who lives 1 hour away on Boxing Day. Last saw his dad and sister (who also live 1 hour away) in September. They’re not close at all and he would easily go longer not seeing them if his mum didn’t push meeting up. Each family is so different

DS1 lives 90 minutes away and comes to us about once a month. I usually see him once a month in between as I have to visit there for work sometimes. He's actually here for the weekend right now as it's Mothering Sunday tomorrow.

DS2 lives about 4 hours away by train - he doesn't have a car as he lives in a big city. The train is a pain as it involves 3 changes, sometimes 4, so he rarely visits. We sometimes go to him and his gf but it's difficult as we and they all work FT.

DS1 calls and WhatsApps quite a lot, DS2 far less.

I do miss them but they are very happy.

DS is a teacher and has always lived about 2 hours away since he graduated. We see him in the school holidays so about every 6 weeks and he stays a few days.. He's recently purchased first property with his long term girlfriend so I wasn't sure this would continue but he's coming for 4 days next week then we are going up there to do some jobs on the house the following week.
I'd love to live closer to them but it's not an option.

I live 5 mins from parents.

in my 20s once I moved out (around 24) I saw them every 1-2 weeks. I was a busy professional , busy social life, holidays, weddings, hen dos etc life was very full.

now I’m in my 30s with 2 small kids I pop round there 3+ times a week. It’s so nice to have had a career break and been able to spend more time with them. I also really appreciate having somewhere to land with the kids when I’m at a loose end.

Give him time - perhaps once they have DC they will come back around once life slows down a bit. X

You have to take the lead on this you say he is unlikely to instigate anything .
Don't say you have leftovers... I don't want my mum's leftovers either .

Give a proper invite for dinner.

Something happening in town? Ask them if they would like to come with you.

Something on at the cinema fancy joining ?

I grew up in a family where we all moved away to university and never went back, at least only temporarily. We're still close though we only see each other in person a few times a year (but some of those involve spending several days together). We message regularly.

My dc still live with us but I barely see one of them, and not because they're always out. We sometimes go for lunch one to one, at their instigation, but mostly it's just quick exchanges about food or when friends are coming around. If / when they move out, I think I'd have to work at the contact, unless they needed something.

Youngest is the opposite. I can imagine they'd be in constant contact and come home / meet up often.

2 adults dcs. One lives around 30 minutes away. We see them and their partner about once a month. They both have demanding careers and it's not easy for them to spend time with both families as well as having their own time together. We check in on WhatsApp a couple of times a week. It's about a 50/50 split as to whether we go there or they come here.
Other DC lives a couple of minutes away and we see them a lot more as DH does the childcare for dgcs. Depending on DC shifts, DH can see them up to 5 times a week. I probably see them two or three times a week.

@WatchingAmerica do you visit them or do they always come to you?