Adult children moved out, how often do you seen them?

[Mawmawmaw]

DS is 24 and moved into a house with his lovely GF last summer. They live about 5 minutes car ride away.
They seem very happy and I made a promise to them and myself that I’d never turn up unannounced and we wouldn’t be popping in all the time - we wanted them to settle in and enjoy their new home together.

I hardly ever see them though! DS & GF will only come to us if I’ve cooked a big meal and have some leftovers and then when it’s offered it not always taken up. I try and pop to see them every few weeks but it’s all a bit awkward and I never stay long.

DS is a lovely lad but is and always has been a little distant so there’s no change really, it’s just that he has no reason to contact us now or come to us unless there’s a specific reason.

I drop a text into the WhatsApp group once or twice a week just asking they’re ok and I usually get ‘yep all fine etc’ but no more.

I have to say I feel a bit sad, I do miss DS (even though he was a bit distant even when he lived here).

Is this unusual? What’s the norm for you?

Even tho they live nearby, they have their own lives. They will be busy. An occasional visit to the folks sounds about right for independent young people.

@Mawmawmaw some families are more enmeshed than others.

Some parents contrive to frequently organise opportunities to involve their adult children.

Some parents allow their adult children to live their lives but re-connect on more infrequent occasions.

Each of these approaches are reasonable.

It seems though, @Mawmawmaw that you'd like to see them more often but they are busy, living their lives but you are feeling the "loss"

You may need to be more proactive and propose things that will appeal and hopefully, effect a positive response.

Is that doable?

4 adult dks,2 boys,2 girls. 3 roughly an hour and a bit away on a good day, without roadworks and accidents. Youngest ds is disabled I am his carer,he doesn't drive, unless there's a problem, I see him every few weeks. Oldest DS, not often and doesn't regularly keep in touch, but always happy to help with family situations. Oldest DD long shifts, can be 3/4 months, youngest DD,moved to be nearer us, I was the child care, and it took over 2 hours in rush hour to get to her in an emergency. They're teenagers now, usually stay once a week, with us.. I have friends who still live in the area where they were born,all their relatives within a couple of miles radius, their lives are so small, the "talk" is definitely "small", I can't imagine that. I moved 70 miles away to London when I married my first husband.

Don’t think about it as them just coming for food, think about it as part of the family ritual. Turn the evening into a regular food event where you try out some new recipes or bake some different cakes.

@Happyinarcon

what if OP doesn’t enjoy cooking/baking though? Plenty of women don’t!

Hour and a half away, see about once a week.

I’ve lived around 45 mins away most of my adult life. Spoke every week, visits depending on life stage. When DD was little and I was a single parent, some childcare most weeks. At uni it was more like once every 6 weeks.

Moved ten minutes up the road last year and now helping out with medical appointments, gardening etc, see them alone at least once a week. They come for dinner every couple of weeks and we try to do a lunch out now and again too.

MiL used to come most weeks - now we are further away it’s slightly less but we get up to her for Sunday lunch once a month and I talk / message most days. Mostly because we have our own r’ship and lots in common - if not for me she’d probably see DH a few times a year.

DS1 (21) is at Uni currently, he’s only about 45 mins away though so we tend to see him every couple of weeks or so. I feel like it’s preparing me for life post Uni - he’s hoping to move out with his girlfriend within a year of Uni ending. They are expecting to live within an hour of home, and I guess we’ll see them once or twice a month (if I’m lucky!)

Both my kids pop in regular !!
I feel very blessed tbh ! ❤️

I think weekly texting is far too much. I wonder why you do it when you know the result. Maybe step back and cut down on the awkward visits

My daughter and her partner live about seven miles away and I probably see them once every couple of months. She might message once a fortnight if I'm lucky. They come over when we have my parents to stay for a meal or a birthday.
Middle son is in the army based in Kent and I'm in the Midlands so he will come up around once every six weeks ,may be a phone call every fortnight.
We certainly aren't a daily phone call set up!

@Londontown12

and those with kids who have moved to another part of the country and see their parents when they can are also blessed
not all young people want to live close to where they grew up

Op what did you do to stay connected to your son when he lived at home.

You say he was a 'bit distant' but as a family what did you do together to bond and keep connections.

I know the teen years are times when kids want to spread their wings, and so they should, but they need to have something to come back to.
If yours are only coming back to look in fridge how can you make visits more enjoyable. Could you plan a day trip with him and his girlfriend to the next city to you for example. What about going to the countryside and have a days walk with a pub tea. Does he follow sport. Dh and my two lads go to cricket and rugby together and meet up with a crowd of mates. Sometimes I'll go to the gym with ds1.
Things like this will build and strengthen relationships.

I hate to use the corniest phrase ever but even as adults it's good to 'make memories '

DD lives a 6 hour round trip away. Due to our different work schedules we only see each other about 5-6 times a year. She does ring me every Saturday evening though. I miss her like crazy but life is what it is.

MN is odd because everyone seems to see their young adult children for dinner four times a week, but is no contact with their own parents.

Anyway, I see mine maybe once every three months. But they are enjoying their lives! I'm happy for them.

My ds is 25 and lives 10 mins away. He has children and a gf and a full time job but I still manage to see him once or twice a week.

he has his eldest dc at weekends and so will pop and see me on Saturday with her then often will spend the day with me on Sunday depending on what his gf is doing, we try and get out places if we can.

occasionally we will go swimming for an hour in the week.

I don’t expect him to or demand at all, he wants to

we haven’t always seen eye to eye over the years and our relationship struggled when he was in his teens but we enjoy each others company now.

dd1 lives at the opposite end of the country and I rarely get to see her these days, we do speak on the phone for 2 hours at a time every 3 or 4 weeks and snap each other a fair bit. I miss her as we are quite close but she and her other half live very full and busy lives.

A weekly text is too much?

How old are YOUR children?

See them every week. Text every day.

My mum & dad live less than a 10 minute drive away. I see them once every two weeks. In the summer, I see them a bit more, as we meet for walks and coffee.

I’m almost always the one to get in touch with them first though, if I didn’t, a couple of months would go by and they probably wouldn’t realise! I used to find it frustrating, but I’m used to it now. I know some of my brothers and sisters think the same.
At the end of the day, we have a great relationship and my kids love spending time with their grandparents.

40s and 50s. We get on really well, they have busy lives and I don’t need to text unless I have something to say. I see them in school holidays.

I think weekly texting is far too much
😆
My sons haven't got the memo.
I've had two WhatsApp messages this morning from one of them and we were out with him last night!!
The other son is coming round after work with his gf. The gf has text to confirm.

I've had about 3 whatsapps from both DDs this morning. One about her new job and one about a new restaurant in her town.

There's no right or wrong to all this, it's whatever suits individual families.

I'm certainly closer to my DDs than I was to my own mum. But I do feel I make more effort than she did, but maybe that's just different times.

DD lives a 2 min walk away and I see her a few times per week and we message, send memes and video call ridiculously frequently, all things considered. Did not used to be like this: she used to live abroad.

Can you try and build more of a bond with the GF?

How is that odd?

Surely those of us NC with their parents used whatever happened in childhood as the starting block for how we can be better parents and be close to our children.