Adult children moved out, how often do you seen them?

[Mawmawmaw]

DS is 24 and moved into a house with his lovely GF last summer. They live about 5 minutes car ride away.
They seem very happy and I made a promise to them and myself that I’d never turn up unannounced and we wouldn’t be popping in all the time - we wanted them to settle in and enjoy their new home together.

I hardly ever see them though! DS & GF will only come to us if I’ve cooked a big meal and have some leftovers and then when it’s offered it not always taken up. I try and pop to see them every few weeks but it’s all a bit awkward and I never stay long.

DS is a lovely lad but is and always has been a little distant so there’s no change really, it’s just that he has no reason to contact us now or come to us unless there’s a specific reason.

I drop a text into the WhatsApp group once or twice a week just asking they’re ok and I usually get ‘yep all fine etc’ but no more.

I have to say I feel a bit sad, I do miss DS (even though he was a bit distant even when he lived here).

Is this unusual? What’s the norm for you?

food/drink is the excuse/ focus though, surely. When I invite someone over I always say, do you want to pop in ‘for a cuppa’ or ‘come for lunch’ or ‘come and have nibbles and drinka’, its a way of making people feel at home and comfortable. She might come from a feeder 😂 family too so it might feel very normal to be fed and watered as the norm.

Two DD's, 23 & 20 years old, both working full time and living independently. We group message daily and meet on average once every 6 weeks, both about 2 hours apart, each the opposite way 😂 love their independence xx

One of my adult DS lives 140 miles away and he rings me once each week and occasionally texts me too. I visit him about 3 or 4 times a year including he invites me at Xmas. He visits me twice a year. My younger DS lives 10 minutes away. He comes to dinner most Wednesday as I cook lasagne and he takes some home too for lunch then next day. He invites me to dinner about once a fortnight and he often rings and says he's in supermarket and fo I want anything. Then if I say milk he'll drop it over to me on his way home. Occasionally just DS and I go to breakfast together at Wetherspoons on a Saturday. We have a catch up. Also if DH and I want to go on holiday DS will come to stay at our house to care for dogs and cats. If he goes away I go to feed and play with his 2 cats. I only see DD about 4 times a year. I'm going down next Monday to help her out and care for DGC as she's in hospital tomorrow having a minor operation.

This thread makes me sad. We have one who lives in the same area. He sees us about twice a year. Other two live hundreds of miles away. We see one about twice a year too, and the other three or four times.

I have two adult sons.
One lives 10 mins away, the other 20.
We see them nearly every day or at least have a phone call.
We go skiing as a family once a year, go to hiking gand cycling etc.
I'd say we were close.
Ds1 left home at 17 and came back for 2 mo the at 21 ds2 left home at 21.
They are now 29 and 25.

One lives 50 minutes away-every 3 to 4 weeks.
One lives in a European city a 60 min flight away-3 or 4 times a year.
Other one in Manchester, so a two hour drive-once or twice a year.
I am aware of the irony. (Though her flights are usually cheaper than his rail fare!)

Dd lives about 45 min away I see her roughly every couple week and talk about twice a week on the phone. Do you invite them for dinner or to go out somewhere together. I’m guessing it feels awkward because you don’t really have the sit and chat relationship. I’d persevere though as the other alternative is to not be as close. Maybe try to include them when you are going out or offer to help in house.

I saw my parents about once a week/fortnight when I was in my twenties and bought my first flat about 30 minutes from them. I would WhatsApp with them regularly, but I was in a job where I worked full time over 4 days so would often meet my mum on the Friday. If he's working Monday to Friday he gets two days off a week, they will have commitments with friends, sports, hobbies, things they have planned as a couple, they'll need to also make time for the GFs parents. That's a lot in two days a week.

I now see my parents once or twice a month for the most part, we live an hour apart DH and I both work full time and we have a 6 year old with school, homework (far more than I expected at this age but that's another story) , he has a plethora of playdate and extra curriculars, I'm on call one week a month and DH does overtime duty two Saturdays a month. I'd like to see them now but I just don't have time. I saw them and PIL most when DS was under 3 and both sets looked after him once a week.

Do you invite them over for dinner OP? Sounds like it’s just leftovers or have I misunderstood?

My two have left home. One 2.5 hours away. She pops home for a couple of nights every few weeks. We also go and stay with her occasionally.

The other is 20 min away and we see her a lot. She loves to pop over for dinner with her BF. Usually once or twice a week. I also meet her for lunch or shopping.

We’re all going on holiday in the summer.

Do you have any hobbies/interests in common? Meeting up for a walk /cycle/ swim can be more interesting than tea.

I live a 2.5 hours drive away from my parents.

My dad hasn't visited us for 6 years.
My mum hasn't been here for over a year. We do invite them.

We visit them 2-3 times a year. Might see them other times too, more so my mum.

My DS last month moved about 5 minutes away, we converted our garage into a gym in lockdown so he comes round 3 times a week, but hardly stops to talk, asks us what food we are doing, still takes home leftovers and food in cupboards. Last Sunday we had a roast, he stayed a total 35 minutes. His GF would stay longer as she likes a chat, but we’ve soon realised we only get texts when he wants something, but it’s all good.

If he's working Monday to Friday he gets two days off a week, they will have commitments with friends, sports, hobbies, things they have planned as a couple, they'll need to also make time for the GFs parents. That's a lot in two days a week

If he’s working Monday to Friday then he will get evenings off.
We go to quiz nights, out for tea, evening walks, gigs, theatre etc wth our adult sons. We went to see Dr Strangelove last night with one of them.
OP, I know it put the onus back o y but why not invite him out and something away from the home eg a quiz night or evening at the cinema. It could be a way f reconnecting.

@DenholmElliot11

well no one likes to feel people are seeing them solely for what they get from them I.e food!

@Mindymomo

is it all good though? He’s an adult, surely things should be more reciprocal rather than just him taking?

We have 3 kids at Uni. Our oldest DD usually phones daily, sometimes multiple times. Our DS would never phone unless we phone him. He will occasionally message on family WhatsApp or react to a comment. Youngest DD will WhatsApp rather than phone as she finds calls awkward. We are driving 6 hours today to spend 4 days near the girls as neither are home for Easter break. We are all neuro diverse and different. No issues with relationships but I suspect, knowing their personalities that this will be the pattern for life.

See young adult dc 3-4 times a year, but he lives much further away. FaceTime every week for over an hour. Other dc lives at home.

Four adult kids here.
DD1 lives 200 miles away (hasn't lived at home since Uni) and is a GP so not much leave, but calls at least three times a week for a long chat. Prior to her divorce she was not allowed to call ( abusive marriage) so it's fab.

DD2 lives 5 mins drive away and I am her child care so it's rare we don't see each other daily. On my work days dgs usually insists on coming to Granny, so they are usually at my house when I get home!

DS1, met and married an Aussie and now lives there. Facetimes me about once every 3 weeks and has just been here for 3 weeks... we try to alternate years for visits. He was always rubbish at texting but I'm not much better, but when either of us call we have a long chat :)

DS2.. has autism and will probably never leave home!

We have a whatsapp group and most days message each other briefly.

When I was in my 20s I was living in the same city as my parents and I rarely saw them. I was too busy working hard, going out etc. Then I had my first DC when I was 31 and suddenly I grew a lot closer to my mum! We would meet up every week when I had little ones. It sounds transactional but it was just different stages of my life. I loved my mum just as much through all of it.

DDs live 10 mins away and message me daily about absolutely anything and I see them weekly. (Perhaps because they are still single) DS20 at home doesn't understand why the girls call me so much 😆😆 and warned me he will not be talking to me everyday when he leaves home 😪😪😪 He speaks less anyway. Of course, if I want to see them all, I cook a nice Sunday dinner, give them plenty of notice and we'll have a great day. OP, I feel your pain, I would miss my son too, but have to prepare myself for the day when some woman will take him away from me 😪😪

‘It’s all good’, really?

Once a year - DD mid 20s lives and works in America. I just want her back in the UK.

@WatchingAmerica

ah, I bet she’s having an amazing time!

Ds 36 comes home almost every week as he and dd 32, who also comes home almost every week, like to come and spend time with their autistic siblings so generally have Saturday brunch here. They both occasionally pop in during the week if there is a need or sometimes just because they fancy a cuppa with me.

She has been up until recently with the new administration.

Mine don’t live locally but we see them about once a month, either we go there or they come here for the weekend. We all message several times a week though, on the family chat or individually.