What is this behaviour called?

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

I do a thing which is quite counter-productive. When I'm doing something enjoyable if it gets even slightly complicated I just stop. I'm quite head on with things that have to be done, so I don't avoid all difficult things, it's just things that I like and don't benefit anyone else that I'm quick to give up on.

For example, years ago (pre Covid) when the DC were smaller there were evenings that everything was sorted, homework was done, everyone was fed, DH was home (often works long hours). Occasionally I would look up what was on in my local cinemas and if there was something I fancied I would just go by myself. I only needed 20-30 minutes to get there and get settled. I'd get a premium seat and just enjoy time by myself. I was talking to my family about a film I'd seen and my Mum asked who I had gone with, I said by myself. She said, "Oh, I'd like to do that. Let me know the next time you go and I'll go with you." But so many things, she and I never like the same films, it would take me an extra 25 mins to pick her up first and then go to the cinema, she doesn't like being out all that late. So my obvious choices were to explain those things to her or to just go and never mention it to her. What I actually did was never look up what was on in the cinema again, it wasn't a conscious decision just something that stopped.

So, the reason that I'm addressing this now is that I was away at a quilt retreat last weekend. One of the organisers was trying to persuade me to enter some of my quilts into competitions. It's something that I have absolutely no interest in, and I always say that when people suggest it which is usually the end of the conversation. There is admin and the quilts have to be prepared in a certain way for hanging and there is always the danger of a quilt being lost or stolen, the judges give constructive criticism which I know will make me a bit anxious about the quality of future quilts and frankly I just can't be arsed with any of it, I just want to be soothed by sewing. However this time she asked if I like looking at other people's quilts, which is something I absolutely love and is a hobby of its own separate to actually doing quilting, much like buying fabric. 😁 Then she implied that if I like looking at other people's quilts then other people would like looking at my quilts, in fact there is a bit of a moral imperative to return the favour of other people showing their quilts. Usually I come back from a retreat inspired and do loads of quilting, but I've noticed today that I haven't even unpacked my sewing machine from its case. I keep telling myself that I'll do it first thing tomorrow, and then do a displacement activity instead. I'm a bit worried that it's the thought that I should share my quilts that's stopping me.

Last year I was making a quilt that was outside of my comfort zone, and every time I walking into my sewing room I would catch sight of it and think of something else that needed my attention. I didn't make anything much for about three or four months and was quite miserable about it. Then I packed that project away so that I couldn't see it and churned out three simple, cheerful quilt tops in about three weeks and really enjoyed myself.

Logically I know that one person's opinion about my quilting is irrelevant, but if I could find out what my behaviour is called then there is bound to be a ton of online advice about mental tricks to stop being blocked from what I enjoy.

Sorry, that was long.

Have a look at demand avoidance OP.

I don't know what it's called but I experience similar.

For me it's a combination of:

Hobbies/interests aren't a necessity: you don't 'have' to complete them to a standard that you would for work/employment. They're not a necessity, therefore you don't feel compelled to do them to the extent you would if it really mattered. I surprise myself with realising how much I accomplish at work (schedule time to do tasks and actually do them) compared with piles of fun stuff at home (books, art, crafts) that are forever half started.

When a hobby becomes a chore: as you recognised, some aspects of entering a quilt competition are a chore, and that gives you a feeling of discomfort. You don't want that discomfort - fair enough. Sometimes you're willing to accept the discomfort because the pay-off from the thing itself is worth it (eg packing up your sewing machine and fabrics to take to an occasional retreat is acceptable, but presumably you wouldn't want to do that every day for a local 1-hour class).

And in creative outlets there are going to be times when it's not fun, eg creative decisions that aren't going well; periods of mundane repetitive work that aren't enjoyable; having work critiqued. Again, that gives negative feelings of discomfort, and individual people will judge differently how much they want to push through that.

While it can be useful to be self-reflective as to why we feel like this, ultimately only you can decide which bits of discomfort are worth pushing through and which not. If you want quilting to be an enjoyable outlet with minimal difficult bits, then that's fine.

Thousands of freebies? Hyperbole helps no argument.

Are you on the right thread?

I don't avoid all difficult things, it's just things that I like and don't benefit anyone else that I'm quick to give up on

It could be a belief that hobbies/leisure are not as important as work/duties.

What was it like when you were a kid at home, is this a learned behaviour?

So, I thought telling people that I hadn't even set up my machine would spur me to set up my machine, but no. I have put laundry away, put wet laundry in the dryer, put a new wash on, emptied the dishwasher (but not refilled it), had a shower, put on my new continuous glucose monitor, Googled demand avoidance, doom scrolled on MN, watched the late and much missed Donna Jordan on YouTube, bought a few quilt patterns, had a look at thread on sale, checked my emails, made lunch, eaten lunch.

I'm still reading through what I've found online, but most of it relates to pathological demand avoidance and methods for making sure that important things get done and you don't get overwhelmed. But those things aren't really an issue for me. I tend to do admin stuff as soon as it arises, like paying bills or filling in permission forms for school, so that I don't forget and have a last minute panic. And I don't tend to get overwhelmed by ordinary life, although I do make sure that I have contingency plans for things in case something goes pear shaped. I'm also really good at just saying 'No' to things that I know I wouldn't be good at, like going on the PTA (I don't work well in a group). When I worked I would set clear expectations for others in writing, especially due dates, so that other people's lack of planning didn't become my emergency.

I think what I might do is see how long the dry spell lasts and perhaps message to retreat organiser to say that I'm not quilting and I think that the reason is a feeling that I should be entering competitions following our conversation. How important does she really think showing my quilts is? She is lovely so she is bound to come back to say that it's irrelevant compared to the enjoyment of making them.

It could be a belief that hobbies/leisure are not as important as work/duties.
What was it like when you were a kid at home, is this a learned behaviour?

I don't think so, my parents loved leisure time, they sailed and Mum did a load of different crafts. They were always encouraging if I expressed an interest in something, except possibly reading which was off the charts ridiculous in the quantity of books that I read.

The first 2 examples you give show, I think, not that you give up when something you enjoy starts to get complicated, but that you stepped away from an activity when someone else tried to change the dynamic. It's interesting that you say a few times that this only happens with things that you do for you, and only you. So it sounds like you enjoy these activities specifically because they are something that you do your way, to please no-one but yourself and without having to negotiate anyone else's view/preference/logistics etc. One someone else tries to turn it in to something that's not purely for you, the activity itself loses the appeal. I think that's completely understandable, especially if you spend the rest of your life working around everyone else.

I think the key could be to acknowledge that this is why these activities appeal to you and practise openly sticking to your boundaries. For example, telling your Mum that you love going to the cinema alone sometimes because it's just a couple of hours to yourself. You're glad she thinks it's a good idea, and you think she should give it a go and let you know how she gets on. Then tell Quilt Monitor that you're glad some people like to show off their quilts but you're not one of them. You enjoy the act of quilting but have no interest in competitions or displays so no, you won't be entering the competition. I think if you give yourself permission to be up-front about wanting a few things that you do without anyone else's input, you'll find it gets easier to stick to doing the things you enjoy the way you enjoy them.

It's called "wanting to do things on your own terms" and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Ok, thanks everyone. The more that I think about it the more I think I can fool my brain with some specious logical argument. Not for nothing did I barely scrape a pass in 1st year philosophy at university before dropping the subject forever. (I did have to look up 'specious' though, just to make sure that it meant what I thought it meant. 😁)

So, there is a moral obligation to behave with consideration towards others, like not taking a third portion of wasabi prawns at a buffet before some guests have even had their first portion or not letting a swing door slam in the face of the person following you. However, showing my quilts is not that sort of moral obligation. It's not tit-for-tat or 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours'. People who enter competitions and shows or who post on social media don't do it as payment for seeing other people's quilts, they do it for various reasons of their own. Seeing other quilts is just a pleasant added benefit. People are welcome to quilt shows to look at quilts who have never made a quilt in their lives and so can't reciprocate, nobody cares, it's not as though the quilt gets worn away by people looking.

Also, there are quilts out there that are so remarkable and artistic that it would genuinely be a shame for them not to be seen by as many people as possible. My quilts are not like that. I love them, and they are very attractive because I'm good with colour, but they are not technically unusual or even particularly difficult. I mostly use commercial patterns so those quilts have been made by hundreds or thousands of others, and when I make up my own patterns they are fairly straightforward and basic. My quilts get seen by my friends, at the show and tell at my quilt group, by people at retreats and I often post a picture on a Facebook group or two. I will always put the name and designer of the pattern on my FB post and am happy to provide fabric details if asked. I think that's plenty.

I get you OP, because I'm a bit like that too.

You are enjoying an activity by yourself, in X way, and someone else has come along and told you that you should do it Y way instead, because reasons, one of which is your obligation to them/others.

You don't want to be obliged to do it their way, and thinking about it has taken all the wind out of your sails, so you stop doing it altogether.

I get you.
It's like, I have mental capacity for X.

Someone has now made me need to have XXXXX mental capacity for this as they've complicated it by adding uncertainty, so I'll default to another X-level thing instead, which is possibly scrolling on my phone, or not mentally engaging with the thing because it's likely to lead to overthinking or my brain trying to 'solve' it.

I'm super organised, get things done, but some things that involve unknown requirements of X will fall into the fuck-it bucket.

I felt that you stopped as a way out of asserting what you wanted and a way out of feeling guilty for wanting something your way.

Rather than tell your mum, ‘No I am not going to g with you, I am going alone’, you felt conflicted and guilty and stopped.

When the person told you you ‘owed it’ to others to exhibit your quilts, you felt guilty and solved the problem by stopping altogether.

I also do this to a point - I think that on a personal level I don't feel confident in my own abilities. I use that as an excuse not to show people or do it again. I think I learnt from teachers at school and at home that some people have "natural" ability and can magically do things perfectly, because I have never had that and have to work at things (as do most people it turns out!) I assume I would be compared unfavourably to someone else if I developed a big enough head to show off my art/crafts/DIY etc. I think it comes down to developing a growth mindset and recognising no one is immediately perfect; practice will help perfection and until you are comfortable you absolutely don't have to show anyone anything and get that pressure.

Is it possible the quilt lady was thinking that you were too shy to show your quilts or thought they weren’t good enough, and said what she said to encourage you? Rather than intending to say you should show your quilts out of reciprocity.

Anyway it is fine to have things just for you. It’s great to do something just for your own pleasure and if you end up feeling guilty about it (like with the cinema) that’s a pity.

I can identify with this. You enjoy these activities as they are. Company would ruin the pleasure of the cinema. Competition would ruin the enjoyment of the quilting.

You don’t like the hassle of explaining all this, which is 100% understandable. You have to reject someone’s suggestions or reject their company or lie to people.

I’d be the very same!

Yes, retreat organiser is lovely and I'm sure never intended to make me feel bad about anything.

I think some people feel that the only way is up. So if you get to a certain level and then stagnate, then a bit of encouragement might move you out of a rut and on to higher things. But that's not really what I want out of quilting, I want to be soothed by repetitive sewing and have something pretty when I've finished. It's a bit like when people say "Oh, that's lovely, you could make more and sell them". They mean it as a compliment but, in fact, home made things are so much more unique and valuable than mass produced, I could never sell them for the value that I've put into them in terms of time and imagination. What I really like is gifting them to people who understand their worth.

I do this. Or a version of some of it. I think it's because I feel guilty spending time doing things that only benefit me.

Also, I'd like to see a quilt.

Would you like to see some of my recent quilts @garibaldiscake ? It would be very low effort compared to entering it into a show or competition, I already have photos. 😁

Yes, show us your quilts! And then give a metaphorical two fingers to the retreat leader.

Shamelessly joining the thread in the hope of seeing OP's quilts. I love quilts!

The first one (outdoor photo) is a quilt that I made for my cousin's wedding present

The second was a housewarming gift for a friend in my sewing class

The third (on the bed) was one that I made for my friend. She chose the colour and pattern and it was a load of fun. She does paint pouring on furniture and we printed a photo of it onto fabric and used that for the quilt.

The fourth and fifth are two super quick quilts that I churned out as a bit of mindless sewing.

Very impressive! Thank you for sharing.

They're beautiful quilts, you should be very proud.

Now get yourself off to the cinema!

A few more.

One in progress at a quilt retreat, it's finished now but I haven't photographed it yet.

A baby quilt for my granddaughter

An absolutely HUGE quilt that was a bit of a mind melter, and hard to handle towards the end as it was so large and heavy

I made this bird one for myself in all my favourite warm colours

The pink and green one was a quilt along run by a quilt guild in Ann Arbour that would usually be just for members but they opened it up during lockdown. They were lovely and very chatty.

I'm feeling a bit more inspired now. I might get it all set up again tomorrow after gym.

I love the bird quilt.

How many years of work has it taken to do all those?