What is this behaviour called?

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

I do a thing which is quite counter-productive. When I'm doing something enjoyable if it gets even slightly complicated I just stop. I'm quite head on with things that have to be done, so I don't avoid all difficult things, it's just things that I like and don't benefit anyone else that I'm quick to give up on.

For example, years ago (pre Covid) when the DC were smaller there were evenings that everything was sorted, homework was done, everyone was fed, DH was home (often works long hours). Occasionally I would look up what was on in my local cinemas and if there was something I fancied I would just go by myself. I only needed 20-30 minutes to get there and get settled. I'd get a premium seat and just enjoy time by myself. I was talking to my family about a film I'd seen and my Mum asked who I had gone with, I said by myself. She said, "Oh, I'd like to do that. Let me know the next time you go and I'll go with you." But so many things, she and I never like the same films, it would take me an extra 25 mins to pick her up first and then go to the cinema, she doesn't like being out all that late. So my obvious choices were to explain those things to her or to just go and never mention it to her. What I actually did was never look up what was on in the cinema again, it wasn't a conscious decision just something that stopped.

So, the reason that I'm addressing this now is that I was away at a quilt retreat last weekend. One of the organisers was trying to persuade me to enter some of my quilts into competitions. It's something that I have absolutely no interest in, and I always say that when people suggest it which is usually the end of the conversation. There is admin and the quilts have to be prepared in a certain way for hanging and there is always the danger of a quilt being lost or stolen, the judges give constructive criticism which I know will make me a bit anxious about the quality of future quilts and frankly I just can't be arsed with any of it, I just want to be soothed by sewing. However this time she asked if I like looking at other people's quilts, which is something I absolutely love and is a hobby of its own separate to actually doing quilting, much like buying fabric. 😁 Then she implied that if I like looking at other people's quilts then other people would like looking at my quilts, in fact there is a bit of a moral imperative to return the favour of other people showing their quilts. Usually I come back from a retreat inspired and do loads of quilting, but I've noticed today that I haven't even unpacked my sewing machine from its case. I keep telling myself that I'll do it first thing tomorrow, and then do a displacement activity instead. I'm a bit worried that it's the thought that I should share my quilts that's stopping me.

Last year I was making a quilt that was outside of my comfort zone, and every time I walking into my sewing room I would catch sight of it and think of something else that needed my attention. I didn't make anything much for about three or four months and was quite miserable about it. Then I packed that project away so that I couldn't see it and churned out three simple, cheerful quilt tops in about three weeks and really enjoyed myself.

Logically I know that one person's opinion about my quilting is irrelevant, but if I could find out what my behaviour is called then there is bound to be a ton of online advice about mental tricks to stop being blocked from what I enjoy.

Sorry, that was long.

I'm very similar OP. The minute I feel pressured or "bullied" into doing something I walk away. Even if it's something I like. The idea of someone tagging along to the cinema is a very good example. Having to sort out the timings for lifts or buses to suit someone else, then choosing a mutually agreeable film, then maybe having to phone to cancel if I was ill - just forget it! I have also left a group hobby for similar reasons to your quilting scenario. I just can't stand being pressured. It actually makes my head spin.

Beautiful quilts by the way!

I think I’m like this but the older I’ve got the more I’m understanding myself. Like I love singing and going to a choir but they’re always working towards a performance which I don’t enjoy at all so I’ve quit. I’ve realised I don’t really like craft activities and brain work at leisure time because I think so much at work and that’s ok. Also that I don’t like doing planned activities on my own and that’s ok too!

Ok, it's all set up and ready to go. It was sort of busy today, with DS needing help sorting out car insurance, waiting to hear about DH's brother who lives in Myanmar (he's fine, just a bit freaked out), gym, shopping, school run etc. But I got it set up, I have nothing on tomorrow, I have an excellent new audio book (about the moon suddenly turning to cheese), so everything is set for a day of sewing.

I hope you have a more productive day than I did, today. I didn't manage much more than burning my fingers and stabbing myself with pins but at least I now have a curved hem neatly turned and ready to stitch.

And remember that you're sewing for yourself, first and foremost.

Ouch on the fingers. I honestly should be supervised by an adult when using hot things, I have burned myself on everything saucepans, oven, air fryer, iron, glue gun.

I feel this way about exercise. I was really enjoying my Pilates classes and reached a point I was comfortable at but made me feel good - balancing, stretching. But it got harder and more demanding and I just didn’t want to go further - it stopped being enjoyable and became boring. So I stopped going and of course don’t do Pilates at all now

PDA demands don’t always look like demands. I have trouble going to bed because I know I should.

Speaking of which, I've been yawning for about 40 minutes now. Pre menopause I had trouble falling asleep, but once asleep I stayed asleep. Now I wake up stupidly early instead. I've been awake since before 6am and am really looking forward to a nice lie down.

I realise this thread has become more about quilting, but I do have a hypothesis on the general issue, OP. It sounds to me like you feel you need permission to do something just for your pleasure, and even the gentlest suggestion that you should be giving to others through that activity makes you feel guilty enough to take away the pleasure and the implicit permission you felt you had to do the thing you like.

your plan to write to the quilt lady is basically trying to get permission back from her simply to enjoy your quilting. Why do you need her permission? You really don’t! You are allowed to do things purely for your own pleasure! She is not the authority over whether what you are doing is ok. you give YOURSELF permission to enjoy things for yourself. You deserve that. (Everybody does). And it requires no outside stamp of approval.

A lot of us women feel we need to be serving others all the time, and feel guilty for any way we just give to ourselves. We try to squeeze it in the cracks where it is invisible….. only happening when everybody else under the sun already has their needs met….

I’d keep telling yourself that you aren’t doing anything wrong by purely giving yourself pleasure , and if you have the appetite for it, look a bit deeper into why that might be hard for you, if it does feel hard…. What reprimand are you expecting?

And your quilts are beautiful! Enjoy them!

Sounds like demand avoidance

I had a relaxed day today, bumbled along with a free pattern that I'm halfway through from Jordan Fabrics and remembered the lovely Donna Jordan while I did it. The audio book is weird, When the Moon Hits Your Eye by John Scalzi.

The article that @howchildrenreallylearn linked to was a fascinating read. I realise that I am extremely internally motivated, I basically don't care at all what other people think. But I'm also very morally driven, the person who returns their supermarket trolley to the bay and lines it up nicely even when I didn't need to use a coin to get it. So, for example the cinema case, I am fine with going against what my Mum says, in fact I do it a lot, but my internal moral compass was thinking about how she was living alone and fairly recently widowed and that was battling with not wanting to sit through whatever sappy trash she wanted to watch and losing my alone time but also knowing that if I went on my own I would feel bad that I hadn't told her I was going and therefore wouldn't enjoy the film anyway. So I solved it by never looking at the listings because that way I didn't have to make any sort of decision.

So, anyway, the sewing thing wasn't really caused by the retreat organiser but by my internal moral code being triggered and I have rationalised that away with the thought that if people don't see the quilts they can't miss something they don't know exists, so I'm fine to keep them to myself. It's not like I'm a billionaire hoarding enough money to house, feed and medically treat half a country, I'm just sewing together little bits of fabric and giving them to people I like or snuggling them myself.