If you were starting from scratch in a totally new place...

[natura]

...what would you do to set up your life in the best way possible?

Asking for a friend, hypothetically, of course... 😉

You're post-breakup after a really stressful 18 months, moving to a completely new place where you'll be living alone with your dog, you know nobody at all in the area, feeling exhausted and emotionally drained, and needing to start a life from the bottom up.

Big things, small things, well-being things, practical things, timing things, sensible things, nice things...

How would you go about this? What would you do?

You need to get well first. Changing the environment whilst you are drained will take a whole lot more out of you.
You may also find if you improve your mental health you are happy to stay.
Assuming you still move, starting from scratch isn't difficult. As you have a dog, you may meet some people in the park or you can post in local social groups looking for others to dog walk with you.
You have to make the effort to make friends. The older you get the harder it is.

I did this following my divorce. I took a job that relocated me to the other end of the country to get away from my ex and his family. It was the best thing I ever did.

surround yourself with nice things, I love a good bedding set and house plants. I took up gardening as well which was a surprise as I’ve never really enjoyed it much.

if you can try some new hobbies, it’s increasing popular for women to do things like floristry courses, pottery, jewellery making. I’ve done a few of these and it’s generally groups of women who don’t know each other. Even if you don’t make any friends outside of the hobby it’ll give you something to look forward to each week.

you’ve got a dog so maybe start being involved in some local dog walking groups or rambling.

keep yourself a little bit busy but also enjoy your solitude. Nothing better than a night in, a good film with your dog .

1. Find good local church
2. Make local friends - I would put a lot of time and effort into this as I hate being on my own! For me these would probably come through church, but if that’s not your thing I would be chatting to local dog walkers, work colleagues, random people I met on the street…
3. Join local Facebook groups to see what events are on in local area
4. Buy and OS map of the area and go on lots of walks to get to know surroundings.
5. Try out all the local cafes 😋

I spend time getting my house and garden as lovely as I can and join a running club.

Thanks @Greenpants37 - staying isn't an option, I'm afraid - the move is happening (for my hypothetical 'friend', of course) next week.

@JustWalkingTheDogs that's so funny – I just bought a new set of bedding this week and I'm excited about it! There's a craft centre that runs workshops where I'm moving and I've been eyeing some of their classes. I think it's easy for me to go overboard throwing myself into new things, and I need to remind myself to take it gently, but I'll definitely pop along to something. Really glad to hear your move was such a good thing. Reassuring - thank you.

@Poutysorry I am, yes – I have an online business so my work will come with me.

@user4578 great suggestions, thank you! I'm not a churchgoer but I did go to a Quaker school, and I found a Meeting House nearby, so that's a good suggestion. Nice way to meet people gently.

Don’t try to rush things. Get used to your new house and surroundings - where the local supermarket, petrol station, etc are.

You’ve got a dog - a great way to meet people informally. I say ‘hi’ to lots of people dog when walking. Haven’t a clue what their names are, but we stop and exchange a few pleasantries. Also, just getting outside and going for a walk is great for your wellbeing.

Do you have any hobbies that you do? If do, try and find a local club. Or be brave and try something new. Sign up for women’s golf lessons, for example. Or sailing, or knitting. Even if you decide it’s not for you, at least you’ve given it a go.

Shed off your old shackles, and embrace a new you.

I've done this three times for various reasons. The absolute best thing, in terms of getting into routine and regularly interacting with people, is to get a job. So I'd look for something that fits around your business and gets you out the house.

I’ve done this, and having a dog definitely helped, but also so did the job. Which if you are WFH might be tricky.

I would try and set a schedule, both weekly and daily, so wake up time/ walks/ dinner/ excerise. And then also new hobby on this day, go or brunch/ tea and cake on that day. So I don’t sit at home being miserable but also so I don’t over do it when trying to heal. Good luck!

Being somewhere that fills me with happiness. Near water is ideal (coast or lake, I’m flexible), hills and trees next on the list.

Access to life’s essentials - I want a good coffee place, a cinema, a bookshop and a theatre all within a maximum of 40 minutes so I can go regularly. I have lived places without those and it was crap. (Obviously fill
in your own version of life’s essentials)

Biggest thing is your mindset. Treat it like an exciting new adventure and opportunity and a new direction for your life that you CHOSE. Don’t think of it as an inevitable consequence of a bad marriage failure.
Be happy about it and encourage positive thoughts. Try not to dwell on the past and enjoy setting up your new home, settling into your new community, making new friends and doing things how YOU want them.

I would join meetup groups. I would take cake round to my neighbours. I would set a personal goal to focus on – a few years ago I was in a similar position and I signed up to do a big sponsored run (without any established exercise habit). The focus was good.

If you’re self-employed I would also look out for a part time job or volunteering.

@MamaNell a schedule sounds reassuring – I'm definitely someone who can either go too hard or not at all, so this would be a nice way to bring a bit of balance in.

@IMissSparkling and @kungfoofighting a part-time job is a great idea. My dog has terrible separation anxiety (he's an old boy) so it might not be easy, but you never know...

Find out what is going on locally - is there a book club, are volunteers needed to help with the village fete in a few months (our village is scouting for volunteers already), find the local message board/whatsapp group/facebook group and also for other areas nearby. Check out any local farmers markets etc. Good luck - it’s a lovely time of year to be moving x

That's a nice thought, @crumpet - you're right. Springtime is all about new beginnings, so it's nicely aligned.

I would search for a local FB group, and see what's on, or even be bold and say you're moving to X town, you have a dog and would like some suggestions and recommendations of the best dog walks (I bet you get invites to join others!), best vets, Drs and dentists, and recommendations of groups/classes/other things to do.
Enjoy the move and hope you make lots of new friends.

If your relationship was in any way abusive, or even just very difficult, and you lost yourself, get some counselling from someone with abuse training to put it all into perspective. I had help from Women's Aid and it was so good and really helped me heal mentally.

Give it time, if you don't need to work, just take it easy and find your feet slowly whilst you regain equilibrium. I found that my dog put the routine into life, I was fortunate that I got to keep him. It took me about four years to heal fully, but I used the time to work through how I wanted the rest of my life to be.

There is no wrong or right way to do things. If you try something and you don't like it, stop and try something else. You are now the boss, you can do whatever you want. You don't need anyone's permission or approval. Put the fairy lights up, dye your hair pink, wear the tutu if that's what you want to do. Remember, you are awesome and fabulous. Life is good. Seize it with both hands and live it your way.

Therapy with someone good, eat well, listen to your body a lot (and don’t be afraid to sit with uncomfortable feelings) and do things that make it feel good, whether that’s baths or exercise or rest (and I agree about good bedlinen and pillows to promote good sleep, which it sounds as if you need), and, as a priority, look around, think about the kind of you like, and what activities are likely to put you in their path near your new home.

I’m having a hard time at the moment and am finding gardening very grounding and soothing.

@unsync thank you. I see a therapist weekly, so I've got some support in place.

I think what you're pointing to in your last paragraph is in some ways the crux of my next stage: what would it look like to put myself at the centre of my life?

Other people have taken up so much space for so long... I almost don't know what to do with all the freedom that's in front of me.

Sending you hugs, @BookBookBookBook – sounds like we're in the soup together! Happy to hear you're finding some solace in the soil 😊

I would go hit a tree with my fists until I had collected enough wood and planks to make a crafting table

This may not be helpful

@natura Don't overthink it. When I first started out, I took it day by day, mainly focused on the dog's needs. That gave me a structure. Then added in other stuff- exercise, meeting people, shopping, etc.

There's no rush. Think of the advice you would give to your best friend, then apply it to yourself. As you heal and find yourself again, things will drop into place.

I think when we're in a relationship, we get so used to being the one holding everything together and organising things to the nth degree, we forget that as a singleton, none of that is necessary anymore. It is liberating when the penny drops.

Good luck @natura And hats off to all the other posters who have done this. OP, as you have your loyal old boy, maybe see if there are dog walking meet ups near you. And, if it's a nice area, pop over and introduce yourself to the neighbours. (I do realise this is very un English advice, but most people are nicer than we give them credit for!)

Look at your local town hall website and the websites for local village halls to see what is on their calendars.

DH and I moved back to the UK to an area where we knew nobody. Looking at the surface it is a boring, rundown, little town with nothing much going on. By looking at the town hall and village hall websites I found:
Yoga, tai chi, singing groups, art groups, quilting groups, craft groups, sound bath meditation sessions, drum circles, tea dances, social dance clubs, free concerts and talks, the local historical society, the WI.

I joined our local church and now I am a bell ringer, and volunteer keeping the churchyard free of brambles.
I joined our local Wildlife trust and volunteer maintaining our local nature reserve.
I joined our local residents' group that organizes community events such as litter picks and craft sessions for children.

Get the local paper for a few weeks. It will help you learn more about the area and what's on. Similarly join some local community Facebook groups. 90% will be random nonsense, but it might have a few useful gems. And you'll be up to speed on local gossip in no time.