If you were starting from scratch in a totally new place...

[natura]

...what would you do to set up your life in the best way possible?

Asking for a friend, hypothetically, of course... 😉

You're post-breakup after a really stressful 18 months, moving to a completely new place where you'll be living alone with your dog, you know nobody at all in the area, feeling exhausted and emotionally drained, and needing to start a life from the bottom up.

Big things, small things, well-being things, practical things, timing things, sensible things, nice things...

How would you go about this? What would you do?

Pop into the nearest library. Some groups use the library and there will be info on other groups.

I would look up Love Her Wild and find the group for the new area. Then join a hike or activity each weekend to have a gentle introduction to other women in the area.

If you enjoy walking/hiking maybe join a hiking group there are girls only and mixed groups advertised on fb, added bonus the dog can go too.

Yes I was going to suggest this – it’s a really nice way to meet people. You get to chat to a lot of people one on one (people tend to split up into small groups and pairs to walk along (just for space as much as anything!), and you tend to switch around a bit throughout the walk and get to chat with different people. It’s low pressure and gentle and you get to have some longer conversations and get to know people. The fresh air, scenery and exercise all make you feel great too. It’s a real mood booster.

Baby steps. It's great they have a dog. Find a lovely park to walk the dog. Go at the same time each day to see the same people and at least start your day with those friendly, casual conversations with other dog owners. I find any interaction and a shared smile with someone, anyone, can make the difference to my mood if I am not going to see anyone else all day.

Utilise the local library. Find out what is going on, do they have interest groups meeting uo? Something that is more drop in and out of when you want.

Volunteer with a good organisation. What are they(you?) interested in? Regular volunteering allows you to meet people and gives you those extra things like get-together meals at Christmas.

Definitely lean into women's organisations or social groups. Find other women in the same position.

Set the house up exactly as suits you. Make it a sanctuary. Paint the walls your favourite colours. Surround yourself with the small things which brings you joy.

I did this, too. I found that the time post-move was so full of peace, it was like a rebirth. I hope that you feel a similar peace. I joined a book club which was nice. I enjoy my own company anyway, and you may well find that you and your dog adjust and enjoy being on your own. I guess you may well meet people when you're out on dog walks too.

When I went through a divorce and was struggling I got a bar job a couple of evenings to get me out of the house.

If your dog is very old, could you get another so he has company and your life won’t be quite so empty when he goes? I’d recommend a rescue greyhound as they’re not particularly needy and generally good with other dogs

Just realised I somehow deleted the word ‘people’ — my post should have read ‘Look round for the kind of PEOPLE you like’. Fellow feelings to one in the soup. I am finding therapy helpful, though challenging.

Oh, something else that might be nice. If you've ever wanted to learn a new skill, and you have the cash, book one-to-one lessons. It is a huge confidence boost to acquire a new skill and if you find a teacher you like, it can be therapeutic just having someone focus on you for a week, even if they are there to teach you piano or tennis or Spanish. It keeps life moving forward seeing how far you've come.

If you feel like you want to avoid being at a loose end, and you have a decent ability to map read, this is what a friend of mine did.

Got an OS map centered on his house, then every weekend worked his way around visiting the grid squares until they were all ticked off. Forced him to go to some places he wouldn't have visited otherwise, and gave him a sense of purpose.

When I moved abroad for work to a country I didn't speak the language or know anyone, I made a commitment to say "yes" to any social invitation (within reason!) for the first year. It was really good at getting me out the house, and I ended up making some good friends through it. Though also had a few very boring or odd evenings 🤣

I signed up to volunteer at Park Run - health condition means I can’t run, and I was too nervous/embarrassed to walk it. I just wanted to meet friendly, normal people and restore my faith in other humans and it really worked. People often stay on afterwards for coffee and a chat. Obviously you could run it too! It gave my weekend a bit more “shape” - I’d stay for a drink after, then by the time I got home it was nearly 11 and the scary “what do I do with an empty weekend?” feeling had gone.

a really good mattress!

😅 just realised how that could have been read. I mean for sleeping, it’s honestly the first thing I sort out in a new situation.

Oh I could happily do this but have children in tow so not possible yet! I would spend weekends visiting areas. I would consider the kind of area I’d like rural, town etc. I would try to get a decent home for my money. Not to worried on area as schools won’t matter but good transport links to a city for things to do would be good. I’d join a gym so I could do classes, swim and meet people. Look into meet ups in the local area. Consider park run too. Apply for jobs that are not work from home so I would have contact with others!

This is such a lovely post. I'm not the OP, but I really needed to hear this.
Thank you.

Absolutely this! I’ve relocated twice, and both times meeting folks through parkrun has really helped me make friends and become part of the community. I volunteer and take part, and love how inclusive it is and definitely not just for runners. It’s dog friendly too.

I'd join a book group. When we moved about 300 miles, it was by far the best way to make new friends. So many interesting and impressive women, and having something to talk about made early conversations so easy. Without doubt it's the most friends I've made from one activity. I'm sad to be moving again and leaving them behind.

Buy a bunch of flowers every week.

Join meet up for walks, local rambling group.

I'm so touched by all these ideas – thank you!

ParkRun isn't something I'd ever have considered (running is not my idea of fun) but volunteering sounds like it could be great.

And @Helterskelterthroughtheday a book group would be wonderful.

I'm going to focus a lot on nourishing female friendships over the coming months, and that's a great idea for a way in.

I think I need to do a lot of downregulating my nervous system, too – I've been on high alert for a long time, so getting some gentle exercise into my routine is going to be important. I practised yoga for a long time and then kind of fell out of love with it... might be time to revisit that.

I’d make my house and garden a “sanctuary”Decorate it with the things you like, buy plants, nice lamps and objects.
Eat well.
Join groups.
Find all the local walks and parks and explore a different area every weekend.
Invite friends and family to visit.
Start a blog about this. I’d love to read it 😊

@ShriekingTrespasser that's a lovely thought! I'd been thinking about journaling to make sure I was paying attention to what's going on for me – a blog feels a bit scary, but maybe it's just the same thing, really?

Yes. Just write about what you’re going, any thoughts you have and show some pics.
It will be amazing.

Going = doing

Well, I arrived yesterday afternoon.

The last 24 hours have been a blend of unpacking, sobbing uncontrollably, and being aggressively productive; I've run completely unnecessary errands and walked all over town in what's clearly been an unconscious effort to block out emotion.

Very uncharacteristically of me, I've been half-listening to an absolute dogs**t podcast by two ex-Playboy Bunnies nonstop in my headphones. Despite it being complete drivel, I can't turn it off. My brain can't handle anything sensible, and the silence in this flat is so loud.

On the up-side, I met the butcher (very smiley man who fell immediately in love with my dog and fed him half a steak pie), the man who runs the pet shop (very friendly, moved here 5 years ago from Botswana, we bonded over how weird it is living outside your home country for extended periods), and the guy who runs the local community gardening project. I'm going to join them tomorrow morning for my first dip into volunteering.

Tonight I cooked myself a very boring-but-nourishing dinner (trout, spinach tossed in pesto, baby new potatoes and cottage cheese, for those of you who are interested) in an attempt to gently and sensibly parent my inner child. Inner child is now demanding sweet-and-salty-popcorn, and I'll probably feed her that, too.

I feel completely drained, on the verge of tears 100% of the time, and I'm at severe risk of emptying my bank account on nonsense purchases because at least buying a laundry basket gives me something to do.

My heart is hurting, and I feel dizzyingly alone.

But I'm here. I did the big first step.

Thanks again to all you lovely folk who made great suggestions and encouraging noises. I'll be doing my best to put them all into practice very soon, once I can breathe again.