Partner has baby blues - due in 2 months

[livealittlex]

So when I met my current partner I was pregnant, he chose to step up- and want to be this boys dad as the real father cheated and moved country, I'm 2 months from my due date and my partner has baby blues about it not being his, how do I help reassure him?

I was left pregnant and extremely vulnerable while quite young. I had a friend step in and wanted to be with me, was willing to support the situation and we kept things very relaxed. He was there at the birth, but we didn’t want to pressure it by calling him dad until he was absolutely sure he wanted this. He then did, he adopted our child and we had a second. We got married.

He then started getting increasingly violent. He said he was ashamed of the children and hated and resented me for pushing him into a life (fatherhood) that he never chose and never wanted for himself. I ended the relationship and he has told people since he “actually” only has one child.

He is barely involved with either of them. I haven’t spoke a single word to him in 5 years, at his insistence. He will (if we are lucky) text the children merry Christmas (never a phonecall) and will see them when they visit his mother.

I would say I have a good understanding of your current situation. You have not given this relationship enough time before moving him in and replacing the baby’s father. Presumably your pregnancy and DD have different fathers. You nay have to deal with the bio father showing up when you get to the end of your pregnancy.

Your boyfriend (he is absolutely not a partner at 7months) can not know for sure he is ready to take on someone else’s child based on a few months together. He needs time and space to figure this out. You need to strengthen your relationship before it ever becomes about coparenting your children.

You won’t listen but please, focus on your baby.

Also generally “baby blues” is used to talk about PND and similar feelings. It is not anything to do with a boyfriend being unsure if he is ready and happy to father his new girlfriend’s expected child.

If he is having these feelings, he isn’t ready. It’s quite literally that simple. He needs to be fully ready and not differentiating between being dad and being biological.

If you look at research on this - biological dads don't pose the same threat to young children. Almost all child abuse is carried out by unrelated men living in the same home as young children.

It's not a risk you should be willing to take for such a new relationship. What's the harm in getting to know him for a year or a few years before moving him in? You don't fully know this man yet - and moving him in with a young daughter and a newborn puts them in a really vulnerable position with no say in the matter.

Move him out - you need to put your kids first here.

Op you better not leave your female preschooler (that’s your 4!year old) alone with this dude….ever. Jesus H Christ this is frightening. you have already gotten plenty of good advice on here and I will add this…your midwife is not supportive of this situationship. She thinks you are absolutely ridiculous and reckless with your children but she’s not saying anything because…

1. You may complain about her
2. she thinks this whole scenario is already hopeless
3. she already knows this will not work out and she’s told her colleagues that the you are in a mess and she’s worried for your preschooler and unborn baby

are you new to MN because you couldn’t have possibly thought anyone in here would be supportive of this mess?.
2 MN core values are:

1. No man falls in love quicker than a man needing a roof over his head
2. pedophiles target vulnerable single mums because they are after the child not the mum. This is disguised as helpfulness and stepping up as a “dad”

So you’ve known him a few months and now he has cold feet about parenting children who are not biologically his. Perhaps you should consider going it alone and then seeing if the relationship continues. You seem in a rush to fill the father void and place the expectation on him. This is not “baby blues”, that is trivialising something much more fundamental and disingenuous to woman who struggle post birth.

Why you putting pressure on this man. It’s all really weird you should be focusing and preparing for your baby and toddler. It’s just so frustrating. there’s no reason to bounce from man to man, trust me you’re not showing a good example for your daughter

Posts like this make me despair to the point that I hope it isn't genuine. If you've got 2 months till baby is due you should be focusing on yourself and your 4 year old as it will be a milestone/ transition for them going from an only child to having a baby sibling in the home.

It's a good thing your midwife is aware and will make your hv aware too. You don't show very good judgement. Relationships do breakdown and it isn't your fault the child's actual father has upped and left. However that doesn't mean you go looking for a replacement straight away. What wrong with being on your own for a while?

This.

as a teen I was sexually abused, raped, manipulated and introduced to drugs by my step dad’s best friend. He had got with an emote in our pub who had just got divorced. She had a 6 yo I baby sat for. We were both raped and abused by the “lovely” man who was startlingly popular and the life and soul of the party. He ended up being my baby sisters god father when I was 16 and I told my mum the second she suggested it and was told I must have led him on. Turned out he had done horrific things to his own daughter and previous step daughter and had served time. it took ELEVEN years for it to all come out. He was found guilty of raping his step daughter every day for 11 years. It was far far from his first offence and he’s out now.

you have NO IDEA what you are doing op and you need to prioritise your child and new baby and get rid . Focus on your kids instead of your Fanny ffs

Wait, so this is going to be your second baby, you're not with either of your children's fathers, and now you've moved a new man in with you despite knowing him for less than 6 months?

And he's apparently desperate to be a dad but bothered about your children not being biologically his, which means that even if your relationship lasts he will probably want to have more children that are biologically his, which means you'll have at least three children with three different fathers.

I don't understand why you are even dating, let alone moving a new man in at this point in time. If I had a four year old and was pregnant again with no father on the scene (and this man is not their dad), dating would be the very furthest thing from my mind.

Can't you just put your children first?

Please OP put your children first and put some distance between yourself and this man. You moved him in after a few months because YOU were lonely and needed a relationship and if this all goes wrong, which is likely, you’re going to have two broken hearted kids and a broken hearted mum who can’t wait to jump into bed with the next bloke and move him in after a few dates.

It’s lovely that he thinks he’d like to step up but in reality he’s known you all of two seconds and you already have a family. The baby’s dad has moved abroad and presumably won’t be paying for anything and he won’t be on the birth certificate obviously so when these baby blues mutate into the reality of daily care for an infant and he decides he’s out, you’re going to mess with your four year old’s stability and wellbeing.

Yes because no man who has voluntarily TTC with his wife or long term partner (including undergoing years of IVF in the case of several men I know) has "made the choice to become a dad".

🙄

Yikes…

Are you that desperate for a man, any man, that you’ll move the first one that comes along in with you and your 4yo so you can play house?

Also, your midwife absolutely doesn’t ’fully support’ this relationship; she thinks you’re a bit thick at best and a poor parent at worst.

I think this is a piss take. No one can actually be this deluded.

Ick. Why either of you would pursue a relationship while you’re pregnant is beyond me.

So many red flags.

I feel quite worried about you and your kids. If this is real, it sounds incredibly off. Why would a guy who you briefly dated, took on a toddler and unborn child who are not his? If you knew each other for years, I could believe in him being a good person, but this sounds scarily odd.

Please don’t move in with this man!

My gosh I hope this is fake.

Please don’t move in with this man!

Too late.
He moved in with her after a few weeks.

Has he? I notice the op is avoiding that question

Where was he living before he moved in with you? Was he due to become homeless and needed a bed (AKA hobosexual)

Well this has got fucking disaster written all over it.

Your daughter is 4 (apparently) and this will be the third male figure she’s had in her life?

This is a mess OP. You need to focus on your kids. He’s having wobbles because he isn’t the dad, that is not his baby, no matter how much you try to pretend otherwise.

I know you’re getting a bit of a bashing here. People are worried because one of the biggest risks of physical harm to young babies and under 5s is the presence in the house of an unrelated male. The number of horrible cases where that has been a feature.
not all of them intended to become violent or harm their stepchild but they did.