My "very elderly" mother is only 23 years older than me!

[Agane]

For some reason this realisation has hit me like a train over the last few days.

I'm in my late 50s very fit active - ran a sub 4hr marathon last week!

With my parents were, until recently, sprightly older people. Mum was walking 2 miles to Asda twice twice week and carrying the shopping home. They were both playing golf almost everyday and maintaining a large kitchen garden. Both were horrified, during lockdown that they might be considered vulnerable.

But almost overnight, in the last few months they've got old. Dad is barely mobile, mum looks and acts like a feeble little old lady.

Obviously it's distressing to see (and for them) but I've realised with horror this is my future and it's not that far away!

Has anyone else felt like this seeing their parents decline?

Yes I get this all the time- my mum’s 25 years older than me and in pretty good nick but I’m just not ready to be so old so soon (and I know it will go quickly). Good motivation to try to stay mentally and physically as “young” as possible- as well as trying to stay reasonably fit I’m making active efforts to maintain an open and flexible mindset.

Yes, it is quite difficult when it happens. My father was over 90 during lockdown but still sprightly, my mother also. Both declined rapidly in their last months but they had enjoyed good health for a long time prior to that.

Both were 30+ years older than me.

I should add that it's made me realise I don't think I want to work until 67. My father had more than 30 years of retirement.

Yes, there's a big difference generally between people at 70 and 80 I think.

My dmum is nearly 85. She has aged hugely in the last couple of years, has shrunk visibly and had a fall which seemed to have knocked the confidence out of her.

Yes, me too. Mum was 24 when I was born.

24 years ago I was nearly 40.

I do dread it.

Hi. Op my mum is only 19 years older than me, I also have noticed her slowing down recently she's starting to get a bit forgetful and says things on a loop, it is scaring me a bit tbh. my stepfather has an illness that has affected his health for years so he is frail
, but my mum was always active, the gap between me and her is so close that i feel like I'm seeing my future.

My mum and dad are definitely getting a bit more frail, they are still independent but you can see the signs. I‘m mid-50s and hope I still have plenty good years in me.

Yes, my mum and MIL are the same age, both 22 years older than me. They've both had amazing long retirements and were probably in the top 10% of their age group for health, or maybe even higher, for most of that time.

Ageing isn't a straight line but a series of plateaus and dips, but I'd say there was noticeable gentle slowing down from mid seventies and a sharp escalation of issues in mid eighties.

I'm very conscious that what they've had is pretty much as good as it gets, and I'll be lucky to get the 22 active years they had ahead of me.

It's making me think hard about what I want from this last quarter of life, including making conscious choices about how I spend my time and who I spend it with, and prioritising my own health and fitness. While recognising there are no guarantees and many people don't get that long retirement.

It's a hard wake up call but I think one that can make us treasure what we have and make the most of whatever time we have left.

Same feelings but my Mum is your age op, so it's all relative isn't it?

Older people always feel much older the the generation behind them.

Mums only 24 yrs on me. She does seem more immobile now, late 70s. Though in denial.
Dads had arthritis in hips and back for a good 10 yrs and I feel I'm bound to get that, but at the same time I'm also somewhat in denial.

But op, if you're running marathons your doing a lot better than me .

I’m in my early 40s. If I am due the same fate as my parents, I have two years left before I either die or am diagnosed with a terminal illness. I’ve grown up assuming that I’ll be lucky to meet 50 and have never even dared to think of 60.

It's very scary. Then I see people younger than me with terminal illness and it reminds me to count my blessings. I'm no good with existential crises however!

My Dad went into lockdown fit and sprightly in his late 70s. Post-Covid and 80 hitting and he now barely leaves the house other than to shuffle to the end of the road and back for a short walk. I miss hiw he was before. My Mum is a few years younger but having seen how quickly my Dad slowed down, I am worried how it will be in a couple of years. I don't live close enough to help regularly.

I'm 58. My mother is just short of 32 years older than me and is my only surviving parent.

She's quite frail now and her mobility is in serious decline so she uses a mobility scooter or a wheelchair when we are out. She has osteoporosis and advancing COPD (she was a very heavy smoker for well over 60 years) though her mind remains as sharp as a pin.

It's scary. I've never smoked at all but still do wonder if I am looking at some aspects of my own future.

80 seems to be a bit of a threshold for many fit and active people - some carry on on in good health, but many seem to get knocked over by health issues and just general tiredness.

My lovely late FIL described turning 80 (at which point he was still lean, fit and very much compos mentis) as ‘walking into a brick wall’, and he’s not the only relative I’ve seen decline at that age.

Consequently I’ve adjusted my life goals and expectations on the assumption I may feel the same (if I’m still here then!). I’m exactly the same age as you and actively planning to frontload retirement to ensure I get as much juice as I can out of the years I’m more likely to be active and independent.

I definitely don’t feel old at all right now, but I’ve learnt that it always feels unthinkable to be any particular age until you get there, and your brain somehow tricks you into believing you’ll escape the illnesses, aches, pains and worries that come with growing older. But you won’t, so best be realistic about it!

Growing old is a bit shit, but there are worse alternatives …

It is so strange tbh. The people that you thought were so powerful going into decline. Hard to accept at first.

Scary isn't it? Dreading this happening to me - (nearly 60 here!) I feel quite OK now, I enjoy walking, I enjoy cycling, I go out 3-4 times a week (shopping, to a hobby group, or to meet friends or DC.) I love gardening, and me and DH have recently redecorated our cottage. (Though I did 80% of it.) 4 weeks it took, and I lost about 5 pounds and a couple of inches of my vital statistics doing it, because of all the stretching and moving. I go swimming 3-4 times a month too. 40 lengths or so.

I am dreading not being able to do all of this, and being dependent on others for basic shit. I DREAD the day I cannot drive. I will feel like a prisoner. (Live rurally, no public transport, no shops...)

I know 4 women and 2 men in my village who were in a social meet group I was in when I came here, and they were as bouncy and fit as Spring lambs when I moved to this village about a decade ago (they were 62-66,) and they are now 73 to 77 or so, and they are all a shadow of their former selves. Between them, they have had several hip operations, back operations, knee replacements, have dementia, cancer, parkinsons disease and several other life changing health issues. All in the space of a decade. Only one of them drives now, and they depend on family/adult children for everything. From taking them to appointments, to shopping, to helping with housework, to general household maintenance, and gardening.

It's nearly a quarter of a century, not all that far off half your life.

Yeah, I get it doesn't feel that far off now, but think how much you got done in the first 23 years of your life, you've basically got forever left.

Such is life. You get old and you die. Game over.

My DM died at 74 I’m 63 hope I take after DF he’s 93 still going strong.

Interesting! My parents were 43 and 44 when I was born so I very much think of them as “much older” than I am. I’m an only child born in the early 1970s - it was an unusual situation at the time.

Dad died suddenly at 88 and Mum is still alive in her mid-nineties but in a bad way with dementia and osteoporosis. 90+ still seems a long way off to me at 52 tbh.

I agree with the PP who mentioned retiring earlier. My parents took retirement in their late fifties. They were healthy for almost 30 years after that and did loads of travelling, fitness, gardening, reading, cinema. And babysitting my kids !

There's something peaceful about it though isn't there - I have no idea how I will die but it's a natural ending of things. I don't really want to live forever without people I love or be in much pain.

All the more reason to do everything possible to stay fit and healthy. My mum died of a heart attack last year at 84 - she was overweight and never exercised. Her mobility declined and she stopped trying to even walk anywhere.

My dad on the other hand is 80 this year and incredibly healthy. He cycles 80 miles for fun and, until recently, was running 10k in under 45 minutes. A recent blood test was described by the practice nurse as “the best I’ve ever seen. There’s literally nothing wrong with you.”

I know death is inevitable but I also know which parent I’ll be emulating as I get older.

I feel very much the same. My Dad had a severe stroke out of nowhere 3 years ago in his early 80s. Until then he'd been incredibly fit, as is mum (who's 9 years younger) so it was a big shock all round.

We were very lucky he survived, but he aged 20 years almost overnight, became incredibly physically frail and it affected his mental health hugely too. 6 months into recovery he went downhill steeply again which turned out to be lymphoma. He insisted that they hit it with everything, got through (with mum's nursing) 6 rounds of chemo, and although currently cancer free, he's a shadow of himself these days and it's so fucking sad.

Mum is only 25 years older than me (I'm early 50s) and I couldn't be more aware that, much as she loves Dad, she loathes being a carer and the limits now on their lives. It's really sad and coincided with a really tough time for me personally (divorce/financial problems) so overnight the dynamic changed and I worry a lot about them - plus feel uncomfortably close to being really old myself.

Luckily they've been retired for years and had a lot of good years before all this but I'm v aware that I won't be able to retire until I'm 70 odd. Scary thought.