My "very elderly" mother is only 23 years older than me!

[Agane]

For some reason this realisation has hit me like a train over the last few days.

I'm in my late 50s very fit active - ran a sub 4hr marathon last week!

With my parents were, until recently, sprightly older people. Mum was walking 2 miles to Asda twice twice week and carrying the shopping home. They were both playing golf almost everyday and maintaining a large kitchen garden. Both were horrified, during lockdown that they might be considered vulnerable.

But almost overnight, in the last few months they've got old. Dad is barely mobile, mum looks and acts like a feeble little old lady.

Obviously it's distressing to see (and for them) but I've realised with horror this is my future and it's not that far away!

Has anyone else felt like this seeing their parents decline?

Wanted to add that my planning also involves ensuring everything is sorted so as not to dump a load of stress on my kids - I’m currently in the process of a full on Swedish Death Clean, checking my will, etc.

It’s not morbid either, it’s liberating. You feel lighter and freer letting go of stuff on your own terms, and it means my kids won’t be left to deal with a whole houseworth of shite.

I’ve buried several family members, sorted a number of estates, cleared houses and dealt with short and long term dementia and palliative care, and I strongly believe that we owe the people closest to us an honest conversation about ageing, illness and death. They should be things we think about and plan for and talk about, rather than leaving everything to chance and everything unsaid. You know your life is going to end at some point - much better to be proactive about it as far as you can, rather than pretending it’s never going to happen!

Taking control of this stuff makes me feel less worried about what may happen, I guess.

My mum and dad were in their late 70s and fit as fiddles going into COVID. They would regularly flew over to visit me, staying in fancy hotels because they ‘wanted to visit me but also have a little bit of a luxurious holiday’. They went out for a drive every morning, often to the local beach, where they’d go for a walk and have a coffee in the café, or to the garden centre where they’d pick up another big tub and packets of seeds.

About a year into COVID when he was 80 my dad sort of disintegrated and went from a sprightly elderly chap to someone who kept getting sick and never really managed to recover before the next illness got hold of him. He died within about 3 months.

My mother is still going strong at 82, though she misses him dreadfully. She has had knee replacements and that has helped keep her mobile. There is great longevity in her family, including an aunt in her nineties who is still going strong, so we expect her to be around for a good while yet. I’m only 24 years younger than her - it’s very weird to think that!

It's not relative when you are in your 50s and Mum is in her 70s.

Mum has always been healthier than me, but had a heart attack, required 2 stents and... It was so shocking. She's still very active, but I notice hugely that she doesn't remember things from our childhood (she's only 18 years older than my brother).

So we, the children are not far off those things.

It's not like my son is 28 and I'm 50. He doesn't view me as old...

I know what I mean.

Your Mum sounds wonderful. I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. Awful times.

My Nan died aged 88, just months after her twin brother. We don't know about longevity before that because their Mum died soon after childbirth.
My Great Grandad, now with a 2 year old girl and newborn twins in the 1920s never gave up, he raised those 3 with the help of a Nanny when lots of men would have given up.
He must have lived to a good age because I was 3 when he died (78=79?) I remember him. And ginger cat that didnt like me!

My mum died aged 60 and my dad's just finished cancer treatment. I'm still in my thirties so it feels like I'm having to deal with all this much too early.

My Dad is 83. Physically in good shape, can walk miles without issue. Sadly he has Alzheimer's, later than his many siblings, am grateful for that. He still enjoys life. Breaks my heart when I chat to him. Dad is disappearing slowly.

My parents were old when they had me (early 40s), so I feel lucky that they both lived to be over 90. Even more lucky that age didn’t wither them at all. Both were seen off by very short illnesses. Up until that point they were both fit, active, fully compos mentis and completely independent. Both were still driving and really enjoying their busy lives.

We all get old if we’re lucky. We all die. Just enjoy your life as much as you can.

Crikey, that's me. I feel sorry for my DS, he's only 16. I really hope I live long enough to see him into adulthood and beyond. You were truly blessed.

@Agane you are actually very fit for your age and your mum has equally been doing stuff until relatively recently that shows she herself has been fit and healthy into older age. If you work, in the nhs, where you see people significantly disabled through lifestyle related health conditions in their 50’s and 60’s, it gives you an entirely different perspective!

Not really, Dad died 2 years ago aged 65 and my Mum is 71 and still works 45 hours a week with no sign of her retiring so very far from frail. Also a 23 year age gap and I think my Mum is more active than me now!

I'm sorry. That does seem too early.

There are 19 years between my parents and I. They're late 60s. Their health is in decline, and I do worry now. The last couple of years have been rough.

My mother was driving and doing a voluntary job until six months before she died, in her early 80s. When she started to be less well, it was very noticeable.

It's such a cruel illness.

Sorry about the loss of your Dad.It worries me that state pension age will be 68 or older by the time we get there so we really will be working until we drop. My parents had over 20 years of enjoyable retirement from late 50s when they were fit and well before declining/dying.

Mum is 20yrs older than me , 80 , she has slowed down but is still trotting over the fields tending her horses who she credits with keeping her fit and motivated with life . She is usually mentally well also but does have moments when she appears ‘tired’ and I wonder if it’s the start of something . That’s because she’s 80 though and kind of expected whereas if she was tired at 40 we’d think nothing of it . Dad is still going strong at 83 so for illness free longevity I hope I follow suit .

Yes. My Mum is only 21 years older than me and is housebound, unable to walk and with a very diminished life.

It is too early. I was 13 when I lost my first parent, 14 when my remaining parent was diagnosed with a terminal illness and started years of horrendous treatments then early 20s when they died. In a few years I’ll have lived longer without parents than I did with and I’m a mid 1980s baby. Puts you out of whack with your peers. I’m sorry for the loss of your mum but I can relate

My goodness that is very hard I'm so sorry 😞. Most of my close friends have lost a parent also so I'm lucky I have a good support system. I hope you do too ❤️

Yes I know exactly what you mean. My parents both suddenly became old during COVID. They became more reclusive and my mum stopped leaving the house. My Dad was quite fit but died suddenly at the age of 83 and my mum suddenly seems an awful lot older and frailer now. So.. we have 20 or so good years to go if we’re lucky. makes me want to value each year and not waste it working at a dull job! But need to keep working at the moment 🙂

My mother and I can both claim to be middle aged. Based on family traits and us both having decent lifestyles we could realistically have a brief stint where I'm in my 70s and she's in her 80s!

I'm trying to maximise my muscle/ bone densities as much as I can before the hormones kick in hard.

I think the 80s is the decade of doom!

I had a very very fit aunt, never smoked, rarely drank, walked for miles, ate loads of fruit and veg, sharp as a tack. The 8th decade destroyed her! Out of nowhere she deteriorated massively. Poor mobility, poor memory, aches and pains, various illnesses, in fact her quality of life is no longer that good. She lived 79 years in great shape and accelerated overnight at 80 into old and knackered, poor thing.

It's a really crude way of putting it , but the 8th decade seems like the big cull !

Mil is mid 70s and very fit and active. Once again, never smoked, doesn't drink. Slim. Walks for miles. But now she's heading towards late 70s I can see she's a little slower now physically and not quite as "bright" mentally. Nothing serious, but you notice that "slow down".

Parents in 60s, touch wood, no real changes noted.

If I had to summarise - 80 is the test !! That's where you make it or start crumbling!

My Dad's parents died at 47 and 44. He was convinced he would die young, so when he reached 80 he was amazed. He made it to 83 and probably would have lasted longer if an operation hadn't gone wrong.
So don't assume your parents' fate is going to be yours. It likely isn't at all.

Mum died of a brain aneurysm at 71. I’m 59 and, until recently was very fit. I suddenly feel weak and vulnerable. I’ve had four bad falls in the past year, resulting in pain. I’m having an MRI next week, which I’m honestly expecting to be clear, but I also have this anxiety that this is the start of my decline.

Bit blunt... but yep, you're born, you live, you die, you pay your taxes (as my dad loves to quote at me!)