My "very elderly" mother is only 23 years older than me!

[Agane]

For some reason this realisation has hit me like a train over the last few days.

I'm in my late 50s very fit active - ran a sub 4hr marathon last week!

With my parents were, until recently, sprightly older people. Mum was walking 2 miles to Asda twice twice week and carrying the shopping home. They were both playing golf almost everyday and maintaining a large kitchen garden. Both were horrified, during lockdown that they might be considered vulnerable.

But almost overnight, in the last few months they've got old. Dad is barely mobile, mum looks and acts like a feeble little old lady.

Obviously it's distressing to see (and for them) but I've realised with horror this is my future and it's not that far away!

Has anyone else felt like this seeing their parents decline?

I've felt very vulnerable and fragile health wise over the past decade after I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome, before being injured by psychotropic medication and getting a permanent neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia.

I was extremely fit and healthy before the accident. Then at age 35, my life became emptier, and more fragile.

In some ways, it actually became fuller and more precious with the birth of my two youngest children, plus watching my eldest daughter blossom (she got her school progress report for this term, and achieved 10 A+ and 5 A grades) has been my incentive to get better. I'd give anything to be healthy again, but I'm fortunate my family is all.ok, and both parents are 78 and 81, but still fit and strong. Although my dad is definitely slowing down a lot, and says he's feeling much older after turning 80. I find myself welling up with tears occasionally when I think of my wonderful dad being old and frail, but I'm extremely grateful I still get to see them a lot and get to enjoy their company while they are compos mentis and ok.

Just an interesting thread and I feel much the same. There is 25 years difference between me and my mother (she’s 87 and I’m 63).

However I’ve been dogged by ill health and chronic illness most of my adult life and she’s been very healthy apart from the last couple of years where she is definitely more frail.

It's an interesting point OP, I've never really thought that as you age you sort of (proportionally) start to catch up.

So if your mum had you at 25 - when you are 25 she is twice your age. But when you hit 50, she is only one and a half times your age and the gap continues to diminish.

I'm a bit older than that and so are my parents. Having seen them and other relatives go through physical decline and having had my children late I am making every effort to stay healthy and try and leave work in my early 60s.

I wouldn't describe 73 as very elderly. 70+ is old.

Tend to think 80+ is elderly 90+ very elderly

Also unsurprising 20 years makes a difference. Its the difference between a newborn and a grown adult. Just think how much you change mentally and physically between 10 and 30, or even 20 and 40. I'll admit not much difference between 40 and 60 for many. A bit fatter or more knackered. 60 to 80 a gradual decline or a sudden cliff edge.

Even young people age if hit by awful illness. It's just life.

Oh my god, not until I read this, now it’s all I can think about!! That’s actually slightly terrifying.

This thread is reasons to enjoy every age for what it is and what you can do then and there, don't dwell on what you can't do. Don't compare to past you or to others unless somehow that comparison is useful to motivate you. Make the most of every age.

Friend told me that when we turned 20 (!). True at every age.

My mam is 66 and has recently shrunk 2.5 inches in height. This is noticeable because I used to be ever so slightly shorter than her, and now I'm ever so slightly taller. But otherwise, she looks much younger than her age and is mostly fit and well, despite my dad having banged on for decades about how she was going to die early because she was "fat". This is extremely lucky because he was diagnosed with MND three years ago and she now spends most of her life physically lifting and pushing him around. It's sobering because I remember my grandmother being 66 and there's absolutely no way that anyone could have expected her to do what my mother does.

My dad was an extremely fit and keen cyclist until about 2020, then he developed a limp and it all went from there. He's still managed to outlive his own dad, though, who died at 65 of smoking-induced cancer.

What I have trouble with is just how old my mother was when I was a child. She had the cauliflower perm, didn't go anywhere because her feet hurt, had been in hospital for prolapse surgery and then after that no longer worked and a massive fibroid had developed, a total abdominal hysterectomy, spinal surgery, heart attack, hadn't worked since she was 17 and generally did next to nothing other than turn the washing machine on once a week, a monthly shopping trip by taxi to get her prescriptions (I did all the animal care, what cleaning I could, cooked for myself, washing up, ironing, hanging clothes out, loading the machine, etc, etc) and when she wasn't going to the GP/hospital/dentist/hairdresser/her friend across the road, watched Lorraine Kelly, This Morning, whatever was on TV in the afternoon, Countdown and then Emmerdale/Coronation Street/Eastenders. Hated going out, refused to eat out, didn't want holidays or trips or entertainment, nothing. And that was it. Her entire life.

She was between 45 and 50 at that point.

I'm 52 now.

I take biologic medication, work full time, have a partner, a very spoiled cat and although I have got the joys of tinnitus and hearing loss to deal with, my main concession to disability is wearing sensible shoes. I interact with more people in one day that she probably did in two decades (to be fair, I do have to be paid to do it, but still...).

My father dropped dead aged 54.

He was in the last hundred months of his life at my age and my mother was living as though she was 80.

How could they be so old when I'm still more or less functioning as a normal person?

I'm not sure that working until we're older is a bad thing (IF we don't do physically demanding jobs - that is a totally different thing). Two or three times a year a get a HUGE influx of very hard, mentally challenging work. When I start doing it, it is SO hard and I struggle. By the time I finish it (it's around a months worth of work) my brain is so much sharper.

I think our brains at least are use it or lose it. Bit like they used to tell people to stay mentally active by playing bingo!

I found 80 onwards was quite a turning point for my dad and the start of rapid decline. At 83 he’s very very frail and struggles to walk due to asthma. My mum is 74 and in much better health despite being a cancer survivor and having undergone some brutal chemo couple of decades ago. I think at 80 she too will start declining. I dread to think of it as I need her for a long long time.

My dad passed away aged 62 in 2000. I was toungest of 5 and then aged 27. since then my mum got one with her life and did really well until 2021 when she was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. She succumbed aged 85 in May 2022. Before that she was a constant on our estate. Everyone knew her. Early 80s and everywhere with her friend and her bloody trolley. Buses to anywhere and she was on it. They carried allsorts home over the years. She was a funny little character indeed. Lockdown coupled with cancer just took a massive toll on her and she aged rapidly that final year unfortunately. My ex husband died 3 months later accidentally aged 53. I had 3 kids to navigate through that. Then my MIL 4 months after that. Seriously made us question our fragility!

My Nan is 88 and not showing any signs of frailty yet. I think it’s a mixture of luck/good genes and her positive attitude.

It does sound like your mum was unlucky with her health though. Coupled with a narrow outlook on life and negative attitude, she was old before her time.

@NeverDropYourMooncup your poor mum. Women's health issues still aren't treated in a serious and robust manner even now, despite them often having as you observe a massively narrowing effect on women's quality of life.

@PrincessofHyrule yes it's quite a thought isn't it. When you are five, the generation gap is thirteen+ years longer than your entire lifespan. Those people are ancient and the ones above them and above them again are far distant. But when you're fifty, well, you've already lived through two generations' worth of years and then some. And now once the one ahead of you goes you're next for the chop. Suddenly time doesn't stretch on endlessly and is definitely finite. You can see the finish line. Gulp.

It can happen at any time. I'm in my 30s and both my parents had cancer in their early 60s. One was lucky enough to survive and one wasn't. In contrast my grandad was 90 before his decline.

Honestly not quite.

My parents were young when they had my brother but there was a huge age gap when they had me. So they were in their 50s when I was a child, 60s when I was a teenager etc. I have always felt they were several generations older than me, as my brother was the generation above me due to our age difference.

So I guess I never had that realisation of “oh they’re changing”, cause tbh they always struggled to keep up with me as a child. With my brother almost having to act as a conduit/3rd parent. I think I’d probably feel the way you do, once my brother ages more, if that makes sense.

To be fair, she never seemed to have the slightest difficulty in getting a gynae referral. Or any other, for that matter.

Your parents were IMO lucky. My DM went on to 97 - but she had dementia for about the last 15 years (unusual I know.). IMO dementia is a fate a lot worse than death.

A sis in law’s parents both died very suddenly, no prior illness, in their 80s - one of a heart attack, the other of a massive stroke. A shock for the family, but surely infinitely preferable to long drawn out illness or dementia.

as you age you sort of (proportionally) start to catch up.

Oh this is so definitely true. There's less than 19 years between me and my mum which appears to be a smaller and smaller gap as we both age (currently 58 and 77). She's still fit and active but noticeably shrunk.

@ZenNudist

when you become elderly isn’t a set age. I work with older people, some are “elderly” at 70/75 others still spritely at 85 and one lady still does a full keep fit class at 91! (You would think she was mid 70’s looking at her). Medical conditions, occupation, genes, attitude etc all play their part but a small event eg slipping over can be a catalyst to suddenly being infirm

I think it is a shock for most people that ageing is not linear, not gradual

people can be fine fine fine and suddenly hit s as massive bump and be frail

my dad was fit and active and would cycle every day to the shops and go on sailing holidays with mates until about 85, then overnight he could not anymore

my mum worked until 80, part time, went o the gym twice a week, then broke her hip and died soon after

watching your parents aged suddenly can be disconcerting, but is much much better than a slow decline

my Dad is 90 now but says he is not ready to go as he reckons I am not yet ready to face up being the oldest person left in the family 😁

Yes, I get that. There was more of a gap with my parents - 36/38 years. The shocking thing was that my mum who was overweight and had type 2 diabetes lived longer and healthier than my dad who was sporty and fit had a massive heart attack aged 75 and sas never himself after, and even before then had far more mobility issues due to arthritis.

Mine is 24 years older. The realisation hit me recently too and it’s hard to deal with. Watching someone age and what comes with it is scary.

I'm early 70s and caring for my 95 yr old Mum. In the not too distant past, people in their 70s were usually the oldest generation in the family but that's changing with all the drugs we have to extend life. I think I'll feel older once Mum dies as I'll be the elderly matriarch then.

Though I have to say at nearly 50, I can see very clearly that your 50s as a decade is sniper alley, particularly for cancer and heart issues. I'm not so much worried about ageing as not getting beyond middle age.