Would you ask your teen to collect your Y5-aged child from school

[TBTG]

Or is that part of the "don't have your older kids have to raise the younger ones" thing?! I'd be willing to pay him, like I would a child-minder.

DD is in Y5, but is super petite, and I just don't feel great about the idea of her walking home from school on her own yet. Up til now, I have been WFH, but I am looking at a better job, which likely means I won't be able to get her from school. DS (15) finishes school half an hour before DD (9) does, and could walk to her school in time to get her. I actually think it would be quite nice bonding for them, and a chivalrous, caring thing for him to do, too.
DS always comes straight home from school, and goes on his computer - he'd only be missing half an hour of that!

It would be three out of the five days, as DD does after-school clubs on two of the days (actual clubs, like sports, rather than wraparound care).

However, I have always had this notion in my head not to make children be responsible for their siblings. But maybe I am wrong about that.

I am a single mum and could really do with improving our finances. I could wait one more year til she's at secondary, but in the meantime, we aren't doing great financially.

First of all, I wouldn't be paying him, I don't think it's a good dynamic at all.

Secondly, as he doesn't want to do it, it's more likely to cause resentment than for them to be bonding. It would be different had been his suggestion and something he really wanted to do.

A lot of boys, I know his age went from being kids that came straight home to game to going out with their mates straight from school or to the gym, changing a lot in that year and I wouldn't want to make doing that something that's a big deal that has Mum needs to rearrange childcare for.

Personally, in your situation, I would get the job sorted first, then see what the situation with people around you is. There might be a school friend of DD's whose mum would be happy for her to go home with them a couple of nights a week or something.

like you said there might also be a couple of friends walking their children home your way who wouldn't mind her walking with them and if there are two or three of them is bound to be one of them each night after school without it restricting other plans they might have

This is where I am torn - yes, I want him to be more responsible, but my always felt no child should be responsible for any other child. But thinking of their dynamic, I actually think it might be beneficial to their relationship, and I want him to be more chivalrous and like Henry Cavill with all his gentlemanly manners!

Please explain the dynamic aspect of the paying issue, if you could for me, as I am kind of looking at it in a way as him saving me having to pay a childminder, but I am open to encouraging him to do it as a contributing person of the household to help us all run smoother.

He doesn't want to do much at all! Definitely a homebody who just wants to come home and stay home (gaming online with his friends). He does occasionally go to the gym, but I would be happy with dd staying home alone now she's nearly ten, for a short while, and him going off to the gym - it's just a half hour out of his afternoon to get her.

There are currently no families walking from our area. My nearest friend who would help me in a bind has a secondary age boy, so no more school run for her. But she'd help in an emergency, just not as a regular thing.

Anyway, I haven't got a new job yet, so for now, it's just ideas,

I don’t think payment should be involved in family helping each other out. That’s what being part of a family is. Doesn’t matter that he’s saving you money.

I don’t see the issue either. I remember doing this years ago. I would do now with my children if was needed to benefit the family and also agree to either top up a bit of extra spends or money towards his games.

You've mentioned it to him so just leave it for now. Concentrate on getting a/the job. When you do, you tell him your new working hours and say (don't ask!) you need him to pick DD up on X,Y and Z days and walk her home.

Only if he wants to. But if he wants to dawdle along, hanging out with mates or going to the shop or whatever, I would respect that and get her to walk on her own or with friends. Being petite doesn't really mean anything.

Sure, I'll try!

DD is his sister, a member of the family. People in the family do things for each other and contribute to the family home and life I don't think being paid to look after a member of the family is good for either of them. It's just a family thing, a way he can contribute by ensuring DD gets home safely and you are less stressed about her getting home safely the same way as when he was younger you made sure he got home safely.

You earning extra money is going to be good for all of the family and he can contribute to you being able to do that by bringing DD home from school.

Does that make sense?

if he complains, I would just say to him does he want the things that extra income will give you as a family (ie holidays) or not. Tell him you don't particularly want to work out of the home more hours with a commute or whatever, but as part of the family you are doing it to improve everybody's life.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate your thoughts.

You're welcome, even if you disagree with me it should help you make your mind up what's right for you. Good luck, job hunting!!

My 14year old son used to take 4 year old brother on the bus to nursery which was 2 mins from his school. At the time we had no choice it wasn't every day. As others have said families should support each other. My younger children always saw the older ones as grown ups and gave them that respect. All the kids are now grown up and we are all very close in a good way and look out for each other.

I would really try to drop the gendered language around this, OP - the ‘chivalry’ and ‘gentlemanliness’ you’re talking about are just names we use for ‘kindness’ when it’s done by a male. I don’t think it would be at all good for your son or your daughter to present this as something he should do because of their sexes - it’s simply because he’s years older than she is. You’re reinforcing ideas of female frailty which will be very limiting for your daughter in the future.

FWIW, I think it’s fine to ask him to do this a few times a week.

Is the primary school near your house? If so, walking home isn’t the issue. Potentially no one will be home as you’re at work and your son is with his friends. Put her in an after school club. Don’t ask your son as your daughter is your responsibility, not his.

Don't make your child care your child's problem

The same could be said of the younger child who would be capable of doing this themself

Collected your younger sibling from school a few times a week isn’t childcare, it’s called being part of a family where you help each other out.

I don't have children to make my other children take on my responsibilities as a care giver.

We have different parenting views.

Thank you. I don't wholeheartedly disagree, I am torn.

And many thanks, that's really sweet of you!

I will take that on board, thank you. It IS just because he is older, and I'd be wanting an elder child to help if the sexes were reversed, but noted re my language here.

My daughter is SUCH a feisty little beast, BUT, she is small and totally grabbable should an adult wish to do so. My son was less feisty at the same age, but it now of an age that he is a solid lad, and harder to kidnap. I definitely hope I am raising a strong woman in my daughter, but I do worry about kidnapping, and however strong and feisty she may be right now, she still is only nine, and a smaller than average one at that.

It's a ten-minute walk, but down a long quiet street of houses before we get to ours.
I do feel the walk is an issue, potentially. I am just so risk averse on this issue. We are brave with rollercoasters and camping and foreign travel and various other things, but I do worry about the real threat of kidnapping :/

Like I said, this has always been my stance, but I understand others think differently, and I do see the value in teaching my children to be there for one another, and that as a family, we pull together and help out. My son especially is the one who wants better holidays than I have managed so far, and to fund those, I need a better job.

I’d be more concerned about the roads and dangerous drivers and her being alone at home. Kidnapping is really unlikely. You need to put her in an afterschool club.

Our school don’t allow it. Over 16s or they won’t release the kids.

Seems like a totally normal thing for siblings to do!

Thank you for this.

I live in London and I’m a single parent. When I started a new job it was much better for my family, including this. It gave my elder DD responsibility and my younger DD was always so excited her big sis was picking her up. Some days, she even started dinner - reheating batch cooking and cooking pasta, for example.