Would you ask your teen to collect your Y5-aged child from school

[TBTG]

Or is that part of the "don't have your older kids have to raise the younger ones" thing?! I'd be willing to pay him, like I would a child-minder.

DD is in Y5, but is super petite, and I just don't feel great about the idea of her walking home from school on her own yet. Up til now, I have been WFH, but I am looking at a better job, which likely means I won't be able to get her from school. DS (15) finishes school half an hour before DD (9) does, and could walk to her school in time to get her. I actually think it would be quite nice bonding for them, and a chivalrous, caring thing for him to do, too.
DS always comes straight home from school, and goes on his computer - he'd only be missing half an hour of that!

It would be three out of the five days, as DD does after-school clubs on two of the days (actual clubs, like sports, rather than wraparound care).

However, I have always had this notion in my head not to make children be responsible for their siblings. But maybe I am wrong about that.

I am a single mum and could really do with improving our finances. I could wait one more year til she's at secondary, but in the meantime, we aren't doing great financially.

Is he in Y10? In Y11 DD had several after-school revision session creeping in, she was over an hour longer in school 2-3x a week at one point.

Also, will the school hand over your DD to an under 16 year old? Some don't so I would check this first.

What is your plan if DS is ill? Has a detention? School trip?

Yes, and I wouldn’t ask him, I would tell him and I wouldn’t pay him. He is a child and you are in charge. If he gets on with it without grumbling I would probably look to reward him in some way further down the line.

I think it's fine if he's happy to do it but I don't understand why a 9 year old can't walk home by herself.

It's fine from an "is he old enough" perspective but I also think 3 days per week is a lot - especially as the weather gets better is there no chance he'd want to go out with his mates after school?

If there is wraparound I'd look to do a combination of wraparound and DS picking up. In the long run it's still improving your finances.

My 15 yr old DS would happily do this. He never wants to go out after school - he has ASD and has had enough socialising by 3pm.

Sounds like a good short term plan, but might need looking at again next year, as I assume your DS will start having afternoon revision sessions etc in the run up to GCSE?

Thanks all for the replies, which the polaraisation of is exactly what is making me question myself.

A few quick answers:
DD is happy to walk herself home. I am not happy with it because even though she is a smart and sensible kid, she is small and delicate and I am concerned about someone taking her. It's not such a rare thing to happen that I can't ignore this possibility.
Another Y5 does walk home (opposite direction) but he is a boy and as tall as an average Y7. The school accept it is up to the parents to decide.
Other teens from my son's school do pick up their siblings from my youngest's school, so it is allowed.

He is not especially keen, but partly I feel like actually this would be a good bonding experience for them, as because of the age gap, they aren't as close as I had hoped. I also feel it will give him a feeling of responsibility and gentlemanliness and caring. I also feel like it would show him that he is useful and needed, and that families need to pull together. He understands that my current wages don't allow for the luxuries (i.e. a holiday) he'd like.

I could move it down to two days a week and get a childminder to walk her home - she is fine at home on her own, I just don't like the idea of her doing the walk on her own.

I would not want to curtail his social life, or his after school activities, and his two afterschool at school activities are also on the days hers are, but obviously could change, so I'd need to be flexible and find options. But right now, he just comes straight home after school, and straight on his computer. He could easily lose half an hour of computer time and still have a good evening of gaming once he's back from her school.

I do have a mum-friend neighbour whose son goes to my son's school, I could ask her in an emergency to cover, she has offered to help (in general, I have not run this particular idea past her). I also have a couple of single mum friends at DDs school who would walk her home too (we have all said as single mums we are there for each other) if DS suddenly couldn't do it and I didn't have a childminder set up in time.

I would still get him to do it and see how it goes. You sound like you’ve thought it through carefully. Things may change with your DD as well - mine started walking home by herself in the summer term of year 5, another situation may present itself etc.

What happens if DS is off sick or wants to do something else after school? It seems quite restrictive.

"she is fine at home on her own, I just don't like the idea of her doing the walk on her own"

I think the exact opposite of this! My daughter has walked home on her own since she was 8 but there is always someone at home to meet her. How long would your kids be on their own for until you got home? This isn't just an older brother walking her home. This is him being responsible for her until you get back. You know your own kids but to me that seems like a lot to put on a 15 year old. I think you should sort proper child care until she is a bit older.

I'd either have to leave work if I could, ask school to keep her back if they can, ask a friend, or she may just have to walk on her own.

If my son wants to do something else after school, I won't stop him. As it is, he does two clubs, and that's enough for him - he's straight home, techie boy, not one of those who wants to hang out - for now, I accept that may change.

As it is, he does two other clubs in the evening, and I have to take DD out to take him, so it is an inconvenience to her - him helping us out here would balance that a little, and show him we need to give and take. He can get home from that club himself, but it's late, and the bus would take an hour (ten minutes walk each side, slow bus stopping at every stop) whereas it takes me 10 minutes to drive it.

I haven't actually got a new job yet, so I don't know - I am just putting the feelers out and trying to work out if I can make it happen, or how flexible I need to be re maybe needing to leave early etc. Right now I am self-employed and it's just not bringing enough in, but I do pick my hours and there are big pluses in that flexibility.

I think they will be fine on their own in the house for an hour or two. Both would get on with their homework, and then play on their computers (both in the same room, no tech in bedrooms), so they'd both be on the ground floor. I do have an elderly neighbour next door who they could call on in an emergency, but she's not very mobile, and I'd not want to make her get up to answer her door unless it was an absolute need.

I really don't know what I'll do yet.

It's not restrictive. Obviously you don't schedule the pick up day for if he has a club or something. If he wants to socialise after school, one day a week isn't too much to ask for a bit of delayed gratification. He still has four days (or three) to socialise with friends. And presumably evenings when you are home. I wouldn't ask for more than two days though. It's part of being a family and sometimes we need to accept we can't do everything we want when we want to.

Is your oldest in y10 or y11?
The amount of after-school stuff has been unbelievable for my y11 - there are extra revision sessions most days at our school. So you may find that y11 puts a spanner in your plans, as DS wouldn't be free.

It would only be 20-30 minutes out of his afternoon after school. We live right by his school so if his mates were just hanging out at the park afterwards, he could easily re-join them. But he doesn't - he's really a homebody and likes to come straight home.

He's Y10. I understand things might ramp up with GCSEs, in which case I'd just get a childminder or do afterschool club for my daughter, but if I do have the option of my son, I am leaning to thinking it would be a kind thing for him to do, and maybe he'll get a sense of satisfaction knowing he is helping me out.

I wouldn’t really see an issue with it. I’d raise his pocket money as contributing to the family by enabling you to earn money. My DS 14 sometimes watches his younger sisters (10 twins) for me. Meets them off the bus twice a week and that’s about it really they grab a snack. I’m generally home within the half hour max an hour it is very helpful to be able to finish the working day properly rather than legging it out early leaving bits undone all the time.

It’s more for emergencies really obviously he can phone if someone is hurt.

Yes, that's what I am thinking.
Do you think their relationship has benefited at all? I know it's already a different dynamic with twins.

Entirely depends on whether your older child is happy to do it and you aren’t disturbing any plans with his friends he may have.
And you should really be giving him some extra allowance, would be a nice gesture.

I would definitely expect my teen to do this, without gettIng paid. It’s just part of being a family and doing what needs doing.

God my mum made me do this and I hated it! Couldn’t walk home with my friends, couldn’t do after school netball anymore, fretting if I got a detention, no after school homework/coursework groups. I didn’t bond at all, I just resented her to be honest, actually don’t speak at all now in fact. Had to “keep and eye” on her after school and she was just a pain, wanting to come out with me a my friends! I just didn’t understand how she had become my responsibility.

I think it's absolutely fine to give teenagers some responsibilities within the family as long as they still have plenty of time for their own social lives and interests.

On the other hand, I don't think it's very fair to limit your child's independence because of her stature, which she can't help and hasn't got anything to do with her maturity and capability.

Hopefully you haven't said anything like that to her.

💯 I would ask. No brainer for me. It’s Team work

Did you let your son walk by himself in Yr5? I see you think it's okay for a boy in her year to walk, because he's big and strong (let's be realistic, though, he's not bigger and stronger than a grown man who is theoretically hanging round the school trying to abduct unattended children).

I understand your concerns but be careful about the messages you are giving out about boys and girls in public spaces and of wrapping your daughter in cotton wool because you perceive her as 'delicate'.

She'll probably still be a petite girl next year and may well grow into a petite woman.

Let her walk by herself. I don't understand the relevance of her stature!

He's prone to being a bit selfish and lazy, and I'd like to iron that out of him, so no, he's not champing at the bit to do it, but I do think I need to make more of a giving person of him, plus, I would pay him. He's not doing anything other than gaming on his PC when he gets home, so 20-30 minutes off that, I think is ok.

She's more kidnappable, obviously. The other Y5 who walks home is a big strapping lad. My dd is one of the youngest in her year, and I just hear too many awful stories.