If you were abused as a child, how have you moved on from it as an adult, esp when that parent is now older?

[ForestFeast]

As a young adult I just tried to keep away as best as possible, left home at 16

Tried to talk to her about it, about 20 years ago,
was my mum, with emotional and some physical abuse.
She just denies it all, amd gaslights tried to rewrite history, then acts like a victim etc
So there's no resolving or even simple, sorry or even her expressing she wishes she hadn't been like that
Guess she denies it to herself
But deep down must know

So fine realised there was no resolving it, so not even mentioned last 20 years

Love my siblings, and thir kids dearly
So imdont want to lose my relationship with them
They didn't experience this abuse, but one of them was thegolden child and I can see that that is actually kinda of damaging in a way for that person too,probably feels guilty for witnessing things that child shouldn't have
Probably carries guilt, and I can see how negatively being the golden child is

Anyway so last 20 years, I've tried to keep an emotional distance, with mum, try not to share anything personal as it will be used against me
There have been times when I've ben sucked in
But she will often use anything to try to hurt me
No idea why she does this

Dad doed a few years ago now

So last 20 years hasn't been too bad I guess I've accepted it
But the past couple of years been challenging due to her ill health and so os many hospital and Dr appointments etc

Amd I'm trying to navigate this time
I dont want to cut her off as I feel that would actually just cause loads of drama and I don't want it to affect the relationships with siblings and their kids
So any tips?
Just finding this stage challenging

I'm so sorry OP. You sound lovely and intelligent.

It seems that your mum feels guilty and is trying to deflect that guilt onto you? I've often heard that most abusers won't admit to what they've done and will instead DARVO to deal with their own feelings.

Keep your distance. Find your own path doing what makes you happy. Good luck.

My mum is the same, denies any difficult behaviour on her part even though it's so obvious to everyone else. Her behaviour made my childhood so unbeliably miserable. She lies to herself about every aspect of events to make herself feel better. This as you say means no resolution for her victims.

Any time spent with her is walking on eggshells trying to avoid angering and upsetting her (appeasing her). Myself and my partner actually can't control her behaviour no matter what we do, she will fly into a rage or stomp around crying over the slightest of things not going her way.

She is in her 80s and it just gets worse tbh.

Everytime we see her it takes weeks to talk it through and get the trauma out our system.

It's a horrid situation. I find keeping the relationship to phonecalls only really helps. Are your siblings able to deal with her in person while you take the life admin bit to contribute? Such as arranging taxis to appointments etc.?

I went NC at 15 and let my father rot alone with ZERO f*cks given

I would step back from all in person stuff, no taxi to appointments, no shopping, no drs trips or the likes - there are other siblings that can do that, services that can do that
A family cannot expect the abuse victim to still pander to the abuser

It would be a strictly call/text relationship only if your not looking to go NC

If I didn’t have siblings I cared so much about if probably go nc or even lower contact

i just know if I do that it will cause way more drama and ima weird way she’d love it as she can play victim and she just loves a drama
but here we are
so I try n keep low contact and emotional distant
but even now and again she can still stuck me in, and I think you know what she’s like why do you fall for it ?

one thing she loves to do is compare grandchildren
she will always negatively compare my dc, saying things like Dsis daughter is so much more mature then mine ……
when thy happens
I could do with a good response
afterwards I think, up something like, I avid comparing people as it’s not good for anyone…..
but in the moment I’m just supprised so I end up not really saying anything other than look me hacked off
then feel annoyed at myself later
so any tips here would be good

its not even arranging taxis. For her to go to appointments
she wants someone to actually go with her
to take it all in what they say etc
even to gp appointments
siblings will go along with this
and basically if I don’t I put more on them…. And they have to do more

so when I do stuff, I think to myself I’m doing it for them not her
but I still hate it
you can be doing something for her
but she will still use that time to take a swipe at you
it take can a few days after seeing her for the bad effect she causes to wear off

she’s not always so nasty and she can be nice but even then it feels like an act…. And you’ve just waiting for the real person to come out

and I think sometimes she manages to suck me back in as I think she will probably not live that much longer and perhaps I’ll feel bad when she dies that I’ve been low contact all these yearrs

i don’t really know what I’m asking for advice on as I feel quite trapped
I don’t feel able to go NC
I don’t want to feel like I’ve dumped it all on my siblings
I get annoyed when I don’t stand up for myself properly
and I hate it when she does the comparison thing
it’s always so and so has done this and that
so and so hooveredthe house etc

Yep darvo is exactly the way she handles it
to a tea
i do keep my distance as much as I can and I’ve managed to build a good life for myself
something else thabpisses her off as I’m so lucky
ive been very lucky with friends according to her
she means the fact i have nice friends it must be down to luck
rather then the fact i treat my friends well, value them and respect them and put the time and effort with them

and she doesn't have any friends
but she can’t figure out that, that’s because she likes to be mean and make a few digs for no reason
no it’s just because I’m lucky and she’s not

Yes I fell the same, like she actually getting worse with age !

If I didnt have siblings I would
I just don’t want to put more in them or effect my relationships with them
and their kids

just need to make sure I stick up for myslef esp when the negative comparisons come in etc

what would you say to her about them
say negatively comparing grandkids
I know what she’s trying to do
she’s trying to cause competitive and rivalry between us and she doesn’t want us getitng on
she wants to dived and conquer
that’s been what she’s tried so so hard to do
tries to pit us against each other

You need to have her pay people to do the tasks she expects of you. Cleaner /taxi /online shop /opticians /Dr home visits. Stop accepting you are responsible for her. You simply aren't.

OP it sounds horrible and I am sorry you have had an abusive childhood.
You have choices you can make but you talk as though you don’t, restricting how you can respond to your mother in order to preserve your precious relationship with siblings.
Do they actually know and understand what she does to you? Do they hear her speak to you like this? If they do you could say very clearly that she continues to abuse you and it is not right for you to be with her but you want to be there for them, Would they support you and understand.

You don’t need to be NC if you strongly feel you don’t want to but you can make strong boundaries around your DM eg 5 min phine call a week, as soon as she is negative say someone is at the door/you have to go. Don’t allow her to continue verbally manipulating you and din’t respond at all to her goads.

Offer your support you feel OK with at a distance eg ordering stuff online for her if you have a way to be paid back, phone calls to arrange appointments, taxis, shopping.

I am in a similar situation and have told my siblings I cannot stay with DM any more but I have done all the above. They are fully supportive and it hasn’t affected my relationship with them. I just do shallow chats and a lot of practical things, no drama at all. Feel so relieved. But it’s different for us all. Good luck OP with however you go forward.

I’ve been NC for over a decade. And since my mother is the eternal victim and must have everyone on her side this means I’m forever ousted by all.

Best thing that’s ever happened to me apart from my children and my job.

Well nothings been spoken about for a good 20 years
inthjnk they are just kinda ticking along until she’s not here anymore
I don’t think they want any drama
I think the eldest one knows as that one has mentioned it all before about how horrible she was to me, so seems to know
other other one
I’m not too sure what that one knows as such
that other one was the golden child and has affected that bone negatively also
so I think the oldest knows the most
It’s not particularly something i wanna drag up
but images thoughts saying look I can only do so much because of how she is with me
and tbh i already do the least and im never challenged on it
so I think they know
but I don’t what them to think im dumping it all on them
that’s the hardest part

and not know when a swipe is coming your way as its not everytime
so you can’t stay in this sort of constant on guard state

It sounds really hard. Rather than having to be constantly on guard can you prepare a strategy to respond to anything negative and just be ready to use it if needed. Some good phrases or simply disengaging from eye contact, remove yourself from the room (make an excuse or not) go in the garden, go to the loo, say goodbye if on the phone.

It is important that as well as caring for your siblings you value and care for your own well being OP. You are precious and worthy of consideration too. Advocate for yourself.

Yes some good phrases up my sleeve would be great for when the negative comparisons come in etc

certainly better than looking annoyed but not saying much

what would be a good one to reply to about negative comparisons

or another of her fav is so and so did so and so for me
ie hoovered the house etc

Crazy thing is that swipes can still come in when your actively doing something for her like say taking her in a drs appointment so your kinda stuck with her until at least that’s over

My mother is very similar. After decades of thinking she might change I’ve resolved to cut contact. I’m ashamed to say I think a lot of it’s down to jealousy over how her life worked out compared to my life choices and attitude.

Therapist identified her as a narcissist and I say that with trepidation on here as so many use this as a self diagnosed reason but she actually is a text book case.

The best revenge is not turning out like them.

Is she's negatively impacting your children then you should give serious consideration to walking away.

Your siblings are making their choice to be involved. That doesn't mean you have to make the same choice.

Talk to your siblings. Maybe you can s
do something for them, childcare or cooking, to help them do more for your mum. See what they think.

I have accepted that the only person I can control is me. I cannot make my mother be kind, remorseful, apologise, love me properly or any of the things that she should have done or should do now. I have grieved properly for the physical and mental abuse and lack of love with a therapist trained in helping women who have been abused (like so many I went on to have multiple abusive relationships with men too). I have worked on loving myself and parenting myself in the right ways.

I am still in contact with my mother too @ForestFeast . I give her only heavily edited bits of my life that I want to share with her and I only see her for limited periods of time. I completely dismiss all the unkind criticisms or cruel things she says, as I see them for what they are now, projections of her own issues. They honestly mean nothing to me now, whereas they used to tear me to shreds. She is properly ancient and I offer the support that I can manage. I can't say I terribly enjoy my contact with her, but I know my conscience will be clear that I did my best and managed to maintain some boundaries with her.

The rest of my life has transformed since the therapy and that gives me immense satisfaction and peace of mind.

I have thought a out talking to siblings but I think tbh, it will, just stir things up, and I don't think it will help
If I thought it would help I would, but mostly likely will just cause trouble and drama
Also she obviously can't abuse me now another than swipes really
Do in a way I want to just move past it, she affected my life so much and I don't want to give her that power
She's never going to change, never going to admit, probably only get worse realistically

So its more how to deal with the swipes and comparisons and keep reminding myself to not get sucked in

Jefferson Fisher on Facebook and Instagram is brilliant at dealing with these type of people. He is a Trial Attorney in Texas and does little videos in his car explaining ways to respond (or not) when people try to dismiss your feelings etc.

Did you mean to sound so rude?
Is there another way you could say that?
I’m not able to discuss that right now.

And finally (my husband’s favourite, which can shut down a snide comment in nano seconds), 3 second silence followed by “Thank you.”

I already follow him, I'd love to meet him in person.

I do try and follow his advice

Did you mean to sound so rude?, should be meet with well you know what I mean ! You're so over sensitive

I have been NC with mine for ten years. It’s the only way. I have complex PTSD which has consumed many parts of my life and I cannot and will not put myself in front of the giver again.

I ended up NC with a sibling over this, they respected my choice initially but a few external events and the mother in their ear led them to cut me out. Sad as I always had a good relationship with them but I protect myself from my mother over everything so if that means losing contact with a sibling, I accept it.

i would walk form away and give zero fucks about anyone’s opinion at this stage. Stop doing things for a person who could t even give you the basic.

I think some of reply of I don't compare people, not good for anyone

Something like this that's better

Something that's more of a conversation ender